


Stay

by pradatrash



Category: Gymnastics RPF
Genre: F/F, Raistafina - Relationship - Freeform, raistafina
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-07 18:42:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 58,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7725547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pradatrash/pseuds/pradatrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been four years since the London 2012 Olympics. Four years since Aly Raisman and Aliya Mustafina fell in love, and two years since they fell apart. The Russian team has been cleared only a day before the Rio Olympics begin and Aly realizes she will have to face the heart she broke. Yet, even after all this time, Aly and Aliya realize they still have a ways to go if they want to remain in each other's lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Time To Pretend

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! Hope you enjoy, I'm super excited to be writing this.
> 
> This fic will deal with some dark topics just a forewarning. I'm putting a trigger warning here to respect everyone's experiences and backgrounds.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Physical abuse + mentions of suicide
> 
> disclaimer: this is purely a work of fiction, I have no relation to either athlete or anyone represented in this story.
> 
> xx

_ This is our decision to live fast and die young _

—

 

She's sat in the lobby of the Olympic village, trying to remember how she got here. The past four years felt like a complete blur and it was just a moment ago she was in London. She replays a single moment in her head every day. From the minute she wakes to the minute her eyes close the moment replays in her head like a broken record. 

She can hear Aliya's voice on the other end of the line. The voice that begged her not to give up on them. The tears. She still can't believe her lungs had been able to withstand the sobs.

She had let them down, she had let _Aliya_ down and all she had left was the last memory of the Russian’s heartbroken voice buzzing in her head. She had realized her mistake from the beginning, but it had taken her too long to realize what she had to get back.

She had spent days at her phone, her laptop, trying to form a line of contact, anything to get her back but the other end of the line had been radio silence. A numbness had settled into Aly some time after that and had never left her since. She had stopped trying to contact her. She had swallowed down the hurt but somehow it still remained very evident in her system.

She had thrown herself full force into making it to the Rio Olympics. She took up some college classes here and there but her main focus was getting back to the sport. 

A part of her was saying it was all so she could see Aliya, just one last time, and the other half was wanting to actually compete in the Olympics once more.

She was 22, that was considered “old” for an elite gymnast. Jordyn had retired a year prior from competitive gymnastics at the age of 21.

But Aly Raisman wasn’t quitting. No, she was just starting. She wasn’t giving up until she wiped the floor with gold, until she represented her country with every last breath she took—until she got to see Aliya’s face.

She had watched every competition Aliya had dominated since London. The European Championships, the Russian Nationals, and of course Worlds. Aly had watched her struggle to recover from countless injuries, had watched her proudly take gold after gold and the occasional silver. 

It wasn’t until a year and a half before Rio that Aly had noticed something different. Aly knew Aliya better than anyone and the younger woman that was trying to recover from various injuries was looking more unhealthier by the second and it completely worried Aly.

Aly was an athlete, she could see these things so acutely and she was surprised no one else had been noticing these subtle changes. And it had all happened after Aliya had switched coaches from Alexandre to the renowned Sergei Starkin. Maybe it was just coincidence but as Aly tracked the small changes in Aliya she knew it was no coincidence.

She blinks and brings herself back to the present. She's bouncing her knee anxiously and looking around the Olympic village, trying to drown out the noise of the conversations around her. She was team of the American team this year again, a huge honor. It also meant she got her own room, her own lonely large room with no Aliya to share it with.

This Olympic village was much taller than the ones in London. They were massive apartment style buildings that did the view of the Rio sunset complete justice. 

The team weren't the Fierce Five anymore, and a part of her was nostalgic for them. No one could beat Simone, Aly was sure the 19 year old would be sweeping most of the medals. 

Her knee bounces uncontrollably as she tries not to bite her nails in anxiety. Her heart pounds in her ears as she focuses on seeing the one person she simultaneously wanted and didn’t want to see.

She had had heart palpitations for the past few days as everyone waited to hear if the Russian team had been cleared to enter Rio Olympics. She wasn’t sure which part of her wanted them to come and which part didn’t want them to.

The minute she had heard about the doping crisis her mind had been sent into a tailspin, sick with worry for Aliya. She knew some Russian teams would easily be banned but there was no reason to dope in gymnastics. She also knew Aliya would never use performance enhancing drugs but she didn’t know what the fuck Sergei was doing to her, but she knew it wasn’t good.

Thankfully neither the men’s or women’s Russian gymnastics team had come up on the doping radar after the investigation—but still most of the delegation had not been cleared to go. 

Although once word got out that the athletes cleared to go were already arriving in Rio it hit Aly full force.

So it was then she accepted the fact that she was going to see Aliya, there was no way to avoid it now. Whether Aliya would even look at her was the next form of anxiety that settled into her stomach.

If she were the Russian she certainly wouldn’t give her the time of day for fucking up but Aly was determined to at least gain closure, although at this point Aly was convinced when she saw the girl she would not be able to handle her feelings. It had driven her crazy for _four years_. Four fucking years and she still couldn’t let go of Aliya Mustafina. She doesn't think she ever will.

 

—

 

Aliya didn’t care if the Russian team got to Rio or not. She didn’t care about anything anymore. Gymnastics, food, friends, family, happiness, none of it really mattered to her. Her mind was a hole of numbness, she had forgotten when she had last felt something. Everyone around her was shaking and anxiously pacing as they waited for the clearance results but her mind was elsewhere.

Her body aches but not the good ache after a day of hard training, it was the ache of angry bruises splattered up and down her back and some on her neck that were skillfully covered with makeup. It was the pain that Sergei had inflicted on her that she had to carry with her everywhere.

It had all started when her and Alexandre had parted ways a few years after London. She wasn't really told by the other coaches the reason but he had to go for some reason. It had taken some getting used to, training without Alexandre, and even though the stoic man had been tough and put her through the most excruciating training she was still grateful to him for how good of a gymnast she had become with him.

After the departure of Alexandre she had been so elated to be taken on by Sergei Starkin. That momentarily had allowed her to forget her heartbreak, forget Aly Raisman. She was able to momentarily forget the days and nights she spent thinking about Aly and the broken heart she was left nursing.

There was no one she could mention this to. They wouldn’t understand, and it petrified her that someone might let it out that she had had a relationship with a woman. She would be thrown in jail, stripped of her titles, shamed by her family and gym.

Russia was definitely not the most forward country in the world. In fact Aliya believed at times they were the most backward in the world. Being gay was not a thing, especially not for the top Russian gymnast. Any sort of LGBTQ stance in Russia was considered insanity.

She had decided to concentrate most of her efforts on healing her body, especially her knee, and on fighting for her titles once more.

It had all started great. Sergei was a great coach and she knew her form was improving and she was just beginning to feel like Russia’s best gymnast once again. Until Sergei had found out about Aly.

She never knew a human being could be so evil. She never knew that a human being could be so mentally and physically cruel. She should have known word of her and Aly would get around to Sergei eventually. It had to have been someone from the London team. No one else but them had known. 

It wasn't until she found out it had been Anastasia that Aliya really knew she was screwed if she didn't act quickly.

The former gymnast had thrown Aliya right under the bus. She had denied it all at first, swearing profusely to Sergei that it was all talk and jealousy from Anastasia told and he had believed her at first.

She had believed she was safe and she could breathe again. It wasn't until she found Sergei watching recaps of the London games to analyze her form that he had been really watching the ways that Aliya and Aly stared at each.

He had beaten the confession out of her, brutally bruised her body, and had gripped her throat so tight she was convinced she was going to die right there in the locker rooms of Lake Krugloye.

He would use derogatory terms to describe her, tell her he would leave her unless she let go completely of Aly and her “gay phase”, none of that had really bothered her until he threatened to have her locked away.

That had scared her shitless. She didn’t know what to do, no idea where to go and her family definitly wasn't an option. Reporting someone for abuse and hate crimes in Russia, especially aimed at the LGBTQ community, were never going to go well for the victim.

She had learned to start covering up her many bruises with makeup and leotards, she never received any questions from the girls at the gym or the other coaches. She silenced herself.

It was his word against hers and he would definitly win if she tried to go up against him.

In the end she decided this was probably for the best. She was Aliya fucking Mustafina. She had no other choice but to toughen up. She took the slurs he threw at her, she took the slaps and punches, she took it all with a heart of steel, void of emotion completely.

She hopes one day she can rise above all of this, and destroy him for everything he had done to her. But she just didn't know when that day would come and hoping wasn't a thing she liked to do anymore.

Aly Raisman was becoming a fear in Aliya’s life, she was no longer angry at the girl, she was just downright terrified of having any relation to her. Thinking about her prompted Aliya to think Sergei could read her mind. 

Sergei was a smart but evil man, she was an athlete and her body was her weapon. He would never damage her enough so she couldn’t compete, he would take her right to the brink and then stop.

It was some fucking sadistic torture and he fed off of it like a leech. 

She blinks as cheers erupt through the training camp, ringing off the walls as everyone hugs and rejoices. It appears that the Russian Federation is going to compete in Rio after all.

She takes a deep breath and stands, brushing the chalk from her hands on the sides of her pants before she nods curtly to her team, turning to the lockers. She would have to face Aly after all these years. Her broken body and heart on full display.

She didn’t know whether she could take it. Maybe she could end herself now and not have to worry about Sergei, Aly or Rio. She could easily do it.

She had thought many times over the year about killing herself. She didn’t care—she had nothing to live for. Gymnastics didn’t even make her happy anymore. The one thing that had made her happier than gymnastics and then had crushed her.

 —

_“You’re so cute when you come…” Aliya opens her eyes slowly, putting Aly’s words together as she shakes her head cutely. “Nyet, you are beautiful when you do…it’s like fireworks.”_

_Aliya folds herself into Aly as the older girl runs her fingers up and down her spine, tracing each indent in her back. “Well, I love watching you come…” Aly drops a kiss to her lips as she grins._

_“I hope I can always…be with you when I do.” Aliya’s voice is barely above a vulnerable whisper, Aly turns to nuzzle her lover’s neck. “Always. I’ll never let you have anyone else.”_

 

—

 

Aly shakes her head from the heated memory that is engrained in her mind. The hot breaths, the way Aliya’s body felt under hers, and the way they held each other each time. It was a memory that made her heart hurt with pain and happiness.

“Aly, look...” 

She turns her head just in time to see Gabby nodding towards the entrance as the Russian men’s gymnast team enters the lobby. She knows not far behind them would be the women’s team.

She holds her breath, Gabby giving her a knowing look as she tries not to stare at the entrance. The fierce five wasn’t here this time, Gabby and Aly were the only ones from the original five, everyone else was new to the Olympic team which means they didn’t know of Aly and Aliya’s complex history.

They had probably heard things in passing but they would never know.

Then she sees her, she sees the love of her fucking life. Aliya Mustafina. She still walks in with the same head held high and grace, but seeing how frail she is in person is alarming to Aly.

She’s lost so much weight, her cheekbones seem a little more sunken than usual and her eyes are blank as they scan the inside of the lobby. When they land on Aly, the American can’t even get ahold of her nerves.

Fuck.

She can’t believe a simple move like walking into a room gives Aliya the power to suck the air right out of it.

She wants to wave, smile, or do something but she can’t. She’s frozen in place all she can do is stare at the love of her life as the Russian stares back at her like she’s just anyone else.

She doesn’t look at Aly like she’s the person that she’s shared countless nights, secrets, and emotions with. No, Aliya looks at Aly Raisman like she is a complete stranger.

Fuck. Fuck. 

She's absolutely everything and nothing at the same time.

“Come on, Aly.” Gabby’s voice cuts into her thoughts she nods and stands with her team, following them to their block as she takes one last look at the Russian team, her worry rising to even higher levels as she stares after the other gymnast, the image of the new Aliya Mustafina burned into her mind.

—

_ Yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do? _


	2. It's You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> glad you're enjoying it! thank you for all the comments, kudos and hits xx

_ She don't give a fuck,  
about what I need _

—

 

Aly doesn’t sleep at all the first night, it's nearly impossible because she knows somewhere in the sweeping halls of the Olympic village Aliya is laying in her bed without her.

Her hands are itching to throw the covers off herself, walk to Aliya’s room and barge down the door but she knows if she wants even a chance of speaking to the girl she can’t come off aggressive. If she does she’ll break in front of the girl, she won’t know what to say. She thought she would have all the answers by now but she has nothing.

_“I’m sorry, after all these years. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry I couldn’t save us. I’ll do anything for that now.”_

Aly swallows around the lump in her throat. The room is empty and she feels so small in the large suite. 

She wants to cry but she has cried so many tears over Aliya in the past years she's sure she has hit her limit for a lifetime.

She fumbles around her bed for her phone before she catches it on her sheets. On a whim she opens a message and types in Aliya’s contact, her hands shake as she types out what she’s wanted to say in the last two years:

_I’m sorry._

The glare of her phone’s light stares back at her as her thumb hovers over the send button. She can’t. She doesn't even know if Aliya's number is the same but she hopes.

She sets her phone down, wanting to throw it across the room as she settles on throwing a pillow instead. She wants to scream but nothing comes out, it’s like every time she wants to show an emotion her body shuts down.

The only time she had _truly_ felt something in the past four years was the moment the Russian team had walked into the Rio lobby.

She sure as hell wasn’t going to be able to get through the qualification rounds if she was this disoriented. She needed to get her shit together. She needed to talk to Aliya.

Even if the girl hated her for everything she could at least get that closure and know to leave her alone—even though it would probably actually kill her to hear that from Aliya herself.

She was four years older, four years wiser, or so she liked to think. She could handle this if she put her mind to it. Maybe. In all honesty she hadn’t looked anyone’s way in four years. No one compared to Aliya in her mind, and no one would ever compare to her.

Throwing her head back on her pillow Aly groans in frustration and closes her eyes as she tries to force sleep to come to her.

 

—

 

She stares at the food in front of her; granola, fruit and yogurt, her favorite. But she doesn’t feel hunger in her stomach. She hasn’t enjoyed food in years, she just reminds herself daily to go through the motions. Wake up, eat, shower, gym, eat, gym, gym, gym.

She has been eating considerably less, and an athlete of her size really doesn’t have the room to short herself of the nutrition her body needs but she just can’t bring herself to try these days.

She swallows a spoonful as she feels the eyes of her teammates on her. They would never dare comment on how much weight she’s lost, they cared she knew that but they were afraid of the answer they would receive. The only person who had fully confronted her about it had been Vika, but Vika wasn't here to take care of her. 

They talked about it when she wasn’t around. She felt like she wasn’t eating for herself anymore it felt like she was just trying to prove to people that she was normal and could take care of herself, although she clearly couldn’t.

“Alka, are you okay?” Angelina gently nudges her and lowers her voice. Everyone was treating her like she was going to break any moment. 

“Yes.” She answers curtly as she scoops two more spoonfuls into her mouth before she stands and carries her tray swiftly to the trash. She doesn’t wait for the rest of her team as she strides out of the dining area, wanting to get to the gym early so maybe she can avoid practicing too much next to the other teams.

She glances up just as the American teams are entering the dining hall, her eyes land emotionlessly on the familiar male gymnasts as they smile at the familiar face but she brushes them off, walking past them as she keeps her eyes trained ahead.

Do not look for her.

But she should have known it was unavoidable. The voice that creeps into her mind sends a shiver down her spine that’s colder than the ice water she rests her muscles in.

“Aliya.”

It’s said with so much hesitation and heartbreak she’s amazed momentarily how one person saying your name can be filled with so much emotion. Before Aly she was never used to so many emotions, they were a waste of time to her.

She turns her head just enough to observe Raisman. She’s grown but her beauty has only gotten better with time. It was like a second hadn’t passed between them—four years was nothing. It didn’t even feel like a day had passed to each other.

Aly’s 21st and 22nd birthday had passed without any notice from Aliya, but her 19th and 20th had been spent with the Russian. Her two favorite birthdays ever. During those moments with Aliya she had realized that everyone else had been ruined for her romantically. There was no one but Aliya.

Aly noticed instantly how up close she could better inspect Aliya’s changed body. Her ribs seemed slightly sunken, her eyes were tired but still held the same Mustafina power. Her hair was slightly longer and she could no longer meet Aly’s eyes.

“Raisman.” Aliya tries not to let her voice betray her feelings but she knows Aly can read her like an open book. The USA team glances back in Aly’s direction, Gabby calling out to her before Aly gives them a small wave off.

“I have to go—“

“Wait, I just wanted to…”

What did Aly want to do? In truth she wanted to kiss the girl right here, she wanted to hold her and apologize a thousand times for jumping ship. She wanted to do so many things.

“Please.” Aly doesn’t want to sound desperate right away but she can’t help it. Being in such close proximity to Aliya is intoxicating, better than any drug anyone could ever offer her.

Aliya gave a small eyeroll, looking at Aly expectantly as the girl blinked before pulling them off to a side corner out of sight from the dining hall.

They stand in awkward silence for a minute or two, Aly staring wide eyed at Aliya while the Russian looks everywhere but her. She casts her eyes downward and Aly frowns, reaching a hand out before Aliya flinches away.

“How are you…doing?”

At her words Aliya snaps her eyes up to hers, anger piercing through her beautiful pupils as Aly almost takes a step back.

“That’s all you say to me?”

Aly swallows around another lump in her throat as she shakes her head, trying to get the thoughts to materialize into words as she looks around nervously. The next few words that come out of her mouth are whispered, because she feels if she speaks normally she’ll just start crying.

“I want to say so much to you…”

She wants to be mad. She wants to scream and yell at Aly even though her English wouldn’t make any sense. She would just be a crazy Russian girl screaming in the hallway.

 _You ruined us! You ruined me!_ Aliya’s emotions are raging in her body and she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to handle Rio like this unless she avoids Aly at all costs. It hadn’t even occurred to her that Sergei might catch this conversation.

The fear that suddenly spreads on Aliya’s face sends Aly’s worry to rocket heights as she reaches out and places a hand on Aliya’s arm, ignoring her flinch.

“Aliya, are you alright?”

“Yes.” Aliya’s answer is almost too quick as she brushes past Aly before the American can say anything else. Each step she takes away from the girl sends a physical pain to her heart but she can’t stay here. Sergei might see them and she also cannot be so close to the girl that destroyed her entire emotional structure.

She can feel Aly’s eyes burning into her back as she walks away quickly and rounds the corner to the shuttles.

_Just fucking get through today._

 

—

 

_Even after hours of passionate sweaty sex she still managed to look amazing in her post-sex glow. Her sweaty skin shined in the dim light of room and it made Aly want to lick and kiss every inch of her body._

_ The trip hadn’t been easy. Athletes in Russia didn’t make nearly as much as the American athletes did. After the 2012 Olympics Aliya had gotten plenty of press, appearances and notice but in actual funds she had only been able to purchase herself a small car. _

_It was one of the many things the Russian teams resented the Americans for, the overwhelming amount of fortune and fame that came with athleticism in America was unfathomable to even the best athletes in Russia._

_It had been a hard few months for Aliya but she had saved up enough money to fly to Aly for her 19th birthday. It had all been worth it of course because just seeing the Boston native at the airport had made everything worth it._

_“You’re thinking,” Aly nudges Aliya with a small kiss, watching her smile and nod. “About you. Always.”_

 

—

 

The qualification rounds were not going smoothly for the Russian team, almost everyone was screwing up and they couldn’t get their shit together. Aliya was becoming frustrated, she was landing most of her marks but as she got up to do her beam routine she feels something snap inside of her. Her confidence is waivering for a moment and she feels as if she might vomit. 

She tries to drown out the sounds of the stadium as her heart pounds in her ears, Sergei is watching her, the whole world is watching her as she takes a deep breath and mounts the beam.

Most of her marks thus far had been pretty good considering the multiple injuries she was trying to recover from.

She closes her eyes for a moment before they open and land right on Aly a few ways off. She knew team USA was in their subdivision for the qualifications but she hadn’t prepared herself to see Aly again so soon.

The girl stares at her and Aliya stares right back before she forces her body to move into her routine. 

She can’t get the image of Aly out of her head as she screams at her mind to focus. She feels a heat at the back of her neck, a nervous heat that creeps under her skin.

Not even a few seconds into it she’s about to do a front aerial until she loses her balance. Internally swearing she falls off the beam, shaking her head as shame fills her body.

She makes a frustrated face, the embarrassment and anger settling into her system before she takes a deep breath. She gets back up on the beam quickly and finishes her routine with an perfect dismount but as she steps off the stage and back to the Russian team she feels Sergei’s eyes burning into her like lasers.

 

—

 

It’s just after the qualifications are finished that Aly finally has the time to run to the bathroom. She had been drinking too much water that entire day, which was not great to do when you’re in a leotard.

It was a nervous habit Aly had and she couldn’t kick the nervous tick today of all days. Today had been very good for the American team but she hadn’t been able to concentrate at all. She was amazed she had landed most of her landings but Aliya’s meltdown on the beam had hit her like a brick wall of guilt.

She shouldn’t have looked at the girl, she had caused her mistake and she was mentally hitting herself for it. Just another thing she had to add to her list of apologies to one Aliya Mustafina.

By now most of the stadium is cleared out as she grabs her bag and jacket and slings it over her shoulders.

“I’ll catch up with you guys at the bus.” She nods to Gabby as she dusts the chalk from her hands off, making her way to the locker rooms.

As she opens the doors she hears faint talking instantly recognizing the language as Russian but the voice is unfamiliar. She’s about to walk past the row of lockers when she stops, still in the shadows her eyes widen as she stares at Aliya and Sergei.

Aliya is sat on one of the benches, her head hanging down as Sergei angrily berates her in Russian. Aly’s understanding of the language has gotten better in the past years so she could make out small words like “mistake”, and “disappointment”, but the look on Aliya’s face put a stop to her translations.

She blinks as Sergei takes a step towards Aliya, surprised when her name falls from his lips,

“It’s because of that Raisman girl you fucked up your beam…!” He growls, and before Aly can react or even register what’s happening a deafening crack echoes through the lockers as Sergei slaps Aliya hard across the cheek.

Aly has to cover her mouth tightly so her gasp of horror doesn’t get out and blow her cover. The shock that then proceeds to paralyze her body is numbing. She wants to scream and fucking _attack_ Sergei but her body is completely frozen.

Aliya's head snaps to the side, her body flinching but she makes no move to defend herself. The anger that starts to fill Aly’s body frightens her because she has never felt this level of _anything_ in her life.

Images of killing Sergei, making him bleed cloud her brain as she tries to figure out what to do. She looks to Aliya’s face which is now turned away from her as the girl reaches a shaky hand up to cup her injured cheek.

In a flash Sergei’s hand closes around Aliya’s neck and forces the girl to look at him as he grits his teeth. “Do you understand me? No. More.”

He doesn’t wait for her to give an answer as he squeezes the skin on her small neck, hard enough to bruise before he releases her. Aliya lets out a gasp as oxygen floods her lungs in relief, her hands immediately going to hold her throat.

“Get your shit and get on the bus.” Is spat at her as Sergei shakes his head and exits through the back of the lockers, Aly silently thankful he didn’t round the corner and come face to face with her shocked expression.

She looks from the shadows at Aliya as she closes her eyes and lets a few tears fall from them. Aly looks on and slowly steps out of the shadows. She wants to run after Sergei and kill him, she wants to get Aliya to a hospital immediately but all she can do right now is stare at the love of her life.

Aliya opens her eyes when she hears footsteps, her heart breaking into a nervous beat thinking Sergei has come back to give her more but when she meets Aly’s shocked and horrified eyes her whole world comes undone. 

—

_ Tell me your lies,  
because I just can't face it _


	3. Nothing But A Tear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all the wonderful comments they really make writing this even more enjoyable!  
> my friend natalie created an amazing raistafina playlist and you should definitly have a listen! 
> 
> http://8tracks.com/nyaatalie/a-heart-like-yours-raistafina-1
> 
> xx

_ You're pulling our connections, expecting me to let you go,  
but I won't _

—

Aliya shoots up off the bench like someone’s poured ice down her back, she takes a step away from Aly, trying to pretend like the girl didn’t just witness the horrible scene. She stares at Aly with wide eyes as she lowers her hands from her cheek.

“Aly…” The girl hears her name and steps closer, trying to close the distance between them because all she wants to do right now is hold Aliya l in her arms and protect her.

“Aliya…what…when…” Aly stutters over her own words, the shock still settled in her body as she tries to gain control of her shaking limbs. She takes a deep breath, centering herself before she looks at Aliya with determination.

“How long?” She’s not going to let Aliya leave this room until she knows everything. It doesn’t matter if the other girl hates her guts, whether she likes it or not she’s always going to be bound to Aly in one way or another.

Aliya makes a move to leave but Aly takes hold of her arm gently but firmly, shaking her head at her. Showing her she wasn’t going anywhere until she got answers. The other girl was too tired to fight her back she just visibly deflates.

Aly has never seen Aliya this tired before, even after competing in multiple competitions she always had some sort of pep to her but this girl just seemed mentally run down and it alarmed Aly even more.

Aliya looks at the tiles of the locker room floor, flicking her gaze to Aly’s before casting her eyes downward once more.

“You.”

Aly frowns, waiting a moment to see if Aliya is going to correct her English before she pauses.

“Me?”

Aliya nods solemnly, Aly still looking at her as she waits for the girl to explain. Aliya tries to get her English straight. After their breakup she had burned her English dictionary. She felt a very strong rejection from the language since every word reminded her of Aly.

But her prior knowledge is coming back to her, she doesn’t know why she’s even giving Aly the time of day but the concern in the American’s eyes is almost comforting to her.

“After you leave…he found out about us. Even though we are not together. He did not believe me.” Aliya finally meets Aly’s eyes, the realization settling into the other woman as she calculates the timeline in her head before she swallows.

Aly opens her mouth and tries to find something to say but Aliya continues.

“You gave up, so I did too. I don’t feel anymore.”

“Aliya, I never wanted to leave…I’m sorry, I was stupid and it was a moment of weakness, I was scared we’d never manage to work out the distance and I just cracked I completely cracked...”

Aly’s trying to look into Aliya’s eyes, because she just knows if they can make eye contact for longer than 30 seconds Aliya will see how much Aly still loves her.

“Why did you leave?” Aliya whispers brokenly, tears streaming down her cheeks gently. She was finally going to get an answer after four years of waiting. This was her way of asking, this was her way of wanting to know.

She had changed her phone number almost instantly after their phone call so Aly couldn’t contact her but now she was realizing maybe Aly hadn’t wanted to break up in the first place.

Aly takes a step closer, inhaling the sweet scent that Aliya carries with her. “I was scared…I was hurt by the distance—and I couldn’t handle it. I tried to call every day after…I tried to get you back…I’m so sorry, Aliya, I want to fix us. I _can_ fix us, and I can fix you.”

The Russian shakes her head, her emotions getting the best of her as she lifts her hands to hold her forehead. She lets out a pained sob and the sound makes Aly’s heart constrict and break.

“Aliya, if he’s hurting you because of us then that’s illegal, you can get him arrested…” Aliya shakes her head violently, narrowing her eyes at Aly’s naiveness.

“In Russia, being gay is not dealt with kindly. He would win. I’d be put in mental institution.” The full realization of the situation crashes down on top of Aly like a wave trying to drown her, mentally slapping herself for not realizing that before. It had gone right under her radar. Sometimes she would forget that Aliya lived in such a backwards country.

Aly chokes on her own cry that builds up in her throat, she can no longer stand as she sits on the bench, everything bubbling to the surface.

“I’m sorry I ever let you go…I’m sorry…I’ll do anything.” Aly’s voice cracks on the last word, not knowing where they would go from here, but she wasn’t going to give up—she had done that once before but this time she wasn’t going anywhere.

Before Aliya can say anything else through her tears she feels Aly standing again, a hand wrapping around her waist and warm lips on her neck, kissing the fresh bruises that Sergei had left.

Out of instinct she sinks into the touch, her eyes closing as she cries even harder, Aly tightening her hold around her waist as she whispers against her skin,

“I’m _so sorry…_ please, let me at least help you, Aliya.”

Aliya was about to nod and let the girl hold her for all eternity until the last four years came back to her, flinching away from Aly’s touch she stumbles back, pointing a finger at the older girl accusingly.

“You left me! I do not need your help!”

Aly closes her eyes as Aliya’s words slice into her like a knife, she almost puts her hands over her heart where it hurts most but knows the action won't do anything for the pain that fills her veins.

“Aliya let me help you now, let me be there for you…” Aly steps closer to the girl again, trying to regain her composure before she hears someone enter the locker room.

“Anyone left? Shuttles are leaving back to the village!” She recognizes the voice of one of the Brazilian coaches before she calls back, “Sorry, we’re coming!”

She turns back to Aliya but the other girl has already picked up her jacket and is halfway to the other exit, wiping her tears furiously from her face.

The next words that come out of Aliya’s mouth send an unbelievably painful jab to her heart just when Aly thought it couldn’t hurt anymore than it already did, and if weren’t for the emotion in her voice, Aly would have noticed Aliya’s words are almost in perfect English. Like she had practiced saying the words to aloud.

“I survived without you…”

The tail end of the sentence trails out, it’s almost said like a question, and Aly pretty much interprets it as such.

And just like that the girl is gone through the double doors, leaving Aly to stare after her graceful figure. It takes a few moments before Aly regains oxygen back into her lungs and she gasps brokenly, another sob tears from her throat as she realizes she was crying the whole time.

She touches her cheeks, wiping the tears from them angrily. She wants to reach out and punch the lockers, kick them, but she can’t afford any injuries to her body right now. She takes another minute to gather her things before she leaves to the shuttles

She ignores the curious look her teammates give her as she boards the USA shuttle, her eyes are red and puffy, but no one says anything. They’re halfway back to the village when she feels a small hand on her shoulder.

Aly turns and nods as Gabby squeezes her shoulder and tries to give her a reassuring smile. She doesn’t listen to what the other girls are saying but she lets their voices become white noise. Simone is excited for the all around and Laurie is proud she nailed her floor routine today.

She concentrates on the comforting hand Gabby offers and how the girl is conveying her understanding to Aly. She may not fully know the extremity of her relationship with Aliya but she does know Aly can’t let go of the girl.

But then Aly’s mind brushes any other thoughts away and she can only think about one thing. 

She’s almost certain of it; that Aliya is still very much in love with her.

 

—

 

_ Sunlight spills in through the crack in the curtains as it illuminates the semi dark bedroom. Aly rolls over, her joints aching in a good way as she looks at the small sleeping figure curled into her.  _

_She smiles at how tightly Aliya curls into her during the night as she leans down and peppers kisses into the other girls neck and jawline. Aliya stirs slightly but remains asleep, she can sleep like a rock. Aly slips off the bed and goes to open one of the curtains, letting the sunlight flood in._

_The sounds of the Malibu beach greet her below as she enjoys the view of the beautiful coast. She glances back at the sleeping figure of her girlfriend once more before noticing her plush bunny had been pushed off the bed probably during the night._

_Aly had gotten the small plush for Aliya when she had visited her for her birthday in Boston, to remind Aliya that she would always be with her wherever she was._

_“When I’m not there to take care of you, little Krolik will do it…”_

_Aly bends down and picks up the small bunny, kissing its head before she sets it back next to Aliya’s sleeping form. This time around it was Aliya’s 19th birthday they found themselves celebrating on the sunny coastline of Malibu, something Aly never thought would be possible for them to do with their intense training schedules._

_It had been hard to manage for Aliya in terms of money, something Aly took for granted occasionally but she had wanted to visit Jordyn at UCLA anyways and it fit perfectly with Aliya’s birthday._

_As her gift Aly had bought her ticket and rented the small Malibu villa for them both._

_Since getting together both of them had found a common interest in visiting California. Aly was convinced they’d both move here together one day. The trip had been near perfect so far, minus Aliya’s incredibly long plane ride to her, other than that everything had fallen into place._

_Aly had only been to Southern California on a few occasions but this time seemed extra special because she got to see Aliya discover the state for the first time. She was like a kid in a candy shop, she had wanted to do everything all at once._

_Boston had been one thing but seeing Aliya light up at the sight of a beach had made Aly’s heart swell so much she thought it was going to burst._

_Maybe after they both retired Aly could convince Aliya to leave Russia and come here with her.  The girl was so proud of her Russian heritage it worried Aly now and then when she thought about their future and what that meant for them._

_“Aly…?” Aly turns her head as she catches sight of Aliya sitting up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes as she smiles at her girlfriend. Aly jumps back onto the large bed, Aliya squealing slightly as she bounces from the impact._

_Aly leans over Aliya as she nuzzles their noses together. Aly was so drunk on Aliya’s scent, being close to her was like being sucked into a haze of ecstasy as dramatic as that sounds. Even when they were in public, just standing close to each other Aly always had to have an arm touching the girl._

_“I was just enjoying the view of the beach, now I can enjoy this view!” Aliya giggles as she wraps her arms sleepily around Aly’s torso and nuzzles against her, taking a deep inhale._

_“I’ve been sleeping so late. Time difference is getting me.” Aly nods as she strokes Aliya’s cheek, kissing along her neck softly. “Don’t be sorry, get as much rest as you want baby, this is your week to relax.”_

_Aliya smiles before she shifts and tugs Aly closer, both of them laying in the large bed as their bodies tangle together once more._

_“We go see Jordyn at her gym today?” Aly nods, playing with Aliya’s hair and tracing her bare shoulders, leaning down as she bit at the sensitive skin of her shoulder._

_“Yeah! I can’t wait to see her, it’s been a while.” Aliya smiles at Aly’s excitement and nods, squeezing one of Aly’s biceps. “You get stronger since London, she will be impressed.”_

_Aly giggles teasingly, watching Aliya admire the small muscles of her upper arms, a heated memory of last night flooding back to her; the image of Aliya gripping her biceps for dear life as Aly had fucked her into the mattress makes a shiver run through her entire body._

_Aly was shorter by only an inch but Aliya’s body build was much smaller compared to the impressive and toned body of one Aly Raisman._

_She loved the power that Aliya gave up to her in the bedroom, and how she allowed the older girl to take her with such a dominance._

_It had been a slight struggle at first in their intimate relationship. Both of them being top gymnasts meant there was always an edge of competition between them but Aliya couldn’t help it, she surrendered all her power when it came to the American._

 

_This was a high that no one could ever replace for Aly or Aliya, nor did they want anything to replace it. Aliya knew then and there she was never going to be the same because Aly had her heart so completely no one else would ever be able to take it._

 

—

 

Aly stands outside of the small wooden door, the village corridor around her is silent as everyone has probably tried to get an early night. She raises her knuckles in an attempt to knock for the fifth time but she stops herself.

She should just leave the girl alone, let her finish the competition strong and then go back to Russia. But she can’t, now that she knows what Sergei is doing to Aliya. She just can't figure out how to address it.

She turns on her heel to leave before she stops herself. _Stop psyching yourself out, Aly, for fuck's sake! She needs you right now, even if she denies it._  She takes a deep breath and raps on the door with her knuckles but before she knows it she can’t stop knocking, she’s not going to stop until the door is opened.

Aliya sits on her bed, looking at herself in the mirror across the room as she scans her eyes over her naked body. The bruises on her ribs and arms were beginning to heal, but the new ones on her neck were going to be hard to cover with makeup bur she would have to make it work in the end.

She can't stop replaying her encounter with Aly in the locker rooms, and she mentally kicks herself for not being able to hold it together in front of the other girl. She didn’t want Aly to see her weak when she had been the one to make her weak.

She doesn’t know where they stand. Before she was sure she could face the girl and try to numb everything out but now she wasn’t so sure. Hearing Aly’s apology was something she had wanted for years but now getting it doesn’t satisfy her.

She doesn’t want an apology. She just wants Aly. But they had their chance and they couldn’t handle it. All the dreams they had made with each other was just their nativity, Aliya shouldn’t have been so dumb to think she would end up with Aly.

She’s Russian. Russian’s aren’t gay and they most certainly don’t fall for Americans. She was already two strikes in. But she was weak, she was tired and weak. Aliya didn’t know if she could fight this uphill battle for much longer.

She twists her torso as she observes the small bruises that litter the small of her back from a particularly bad fit Sergei had a few days before they were cleared for Rio. She winces, biting her lip as she stands to apply her moisturizer and cooling cream before a few loud knocks shock her out of it.

She hears the knocker start to get impatient and assumes it’s Angelina feeling nervous again so she stands, quickly pulling on a small robe to cover her bruises.

“Prikhod, prikhod!” _Coming, coming!_ She calls to the impatient person as she swings the door open, fully expecting to find Angelina or Seda on the other side but isn’t able to hide her surprise at finding Aly instead.

Without hesitation she swallows and moves to close the door but Aly predicts this and already has her hand pushing the door back as she steps in from the hall and lets it close behind her. Aliya gives her an annoyed look as she crosses her arms over her chest.

“Yes?” She aska impatiently while Aly bites her lip but then something changes and a determined look crosses the other girl’s face. “I’m not leaving.”

Typical, stubborn Aly, Aliya thinks as she observes the girl. She doesn't even know why she's here and why she thought this would be a good idea to show up announced, but another part of her is curious as to where this will lead for them.

Aliya scoffs, throwing her arms up exasperatedly not noticing her robe opening up slightly before Aly’s eyes widen at the bruises painting her delicate skin.

“Aliya, oh my god…” Aly takes a step closer to close the distance between them and this time Aliya doesn’t move back. Instead she watches Aly’s worried expression as she hovers her fingers over Aliya’s skin but doesn’t touch.

For a moment when Aly had been standing outside her door just moments ago, Aliya had blocked out the entire afternoon after the qualifications. She wanted to believe Aly hadn't seen anything between her and Sergei but the look on Aly's face proves that that afternoon did indeed happen.

Aliya watches Aly curiously, no longer annoyed by the American’s entrance into her room. Aly’s touch is right there, not touching her, but she can feel the electricity between the end of her fingertips and Aliya’s skin and all she wants is for the other girl to touch her and hold her.

“Aly?” Aliya inquires after another awkward minute passes of Aly staring blankly at Aliya’s open robe. She moves to close it at which point Aly finally looks at her face. Maybe it was the moment or the past four years, or both but Aly can’t help but say it because she fucking means it,

“I love you.”

Aliya swallows down the urge to cry again, the words hit her ears with pureness and she knows Aly isn’t just saying it she truly means it.

“I know you love me too.” Aly takes another step closer, Aliya staring her down as she lets her come close enough so that the air is just lingering between them. “Yes,” Aliya admits with a shake of her head.

“But you still went away.” Aly wraps her arms around Aliya’s waist without hesitation, the other girl tensing for a moment before she relaxes. “I’m here now.” Aly knows it isn’t a great answer but she is here and she’s not going anywhere.

They have a lot to figure out but Aly wants to do that she's desperate to do that. She has to do something about Sergei and she's not going to let it go until he's done with. “I’m not going anywhere. Ever.”

Aly knew no matter how much Aliya resisted it Aly would always linger in her mind someway. Even if the girl went off and found someone else they were so deeply connected there was no way Aliya didn’t feel it too.

Aliya opens her mouth to tell Aly to leave and that she doesn’t want this but hesitates. She can’t do this again, this rollercoaster of emotions that she had gone through with the girl had gutted her. She was in this constant state of either pure pleasure or pure pain when it came to Aly and she wasn’t sure if she could handle it.

Aly could see the conflict of emotions rolling around in Aliya’s head and she suddenly starts to get nervous that Aliya is going to reject her for real and she doesn’t know if she will be able to breathe if that happens.

But then she sees it. It’s almost fate or something but sees the plush bunny on Aliya’s bed, right next to her pillow. It sends a surge of confidence straight to Aly’s heart as Aliya notices what she’s looking at.

Little Krolik. Aliya had kept it after all these years, and it was right where she slept. Aliya hadn't let go of Aly, not at all.

She presses forward and connects their lips in a gentle kiss, framing Aliya’s cheeks between her hands as the kiss takes air straight out of their lungs. It had been far too long since Aly had kissed Aliya and she decides right then and there she’s not going to live without this in her life ever again.

Aly feels a small wetness on her cheeks and she’s not sure if she’s crying or Aliya is but she figures they both kind of are. Aliya can’t fight it anymore she drops her arms to hold Aly’s arms, because she’s kissing Aly, and it feels like she’s _home._ Aliya's mind is begging with her, pleading with her, to just choose Aly and choose happiness.

She's weak when it comes to Aly, absolutely weak and her resolve is thinning with every touch of Aly's lips and skin against her until there is nothing left to resist.

“I’m sorry.” Aly whispers between kisses, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” She can feel Aliya shaking under her finger tips, she can feel every emotion running under her veins. Aliya shakes her head and pulls back momentarily, trying to catch her thoughts like bubbles in the air because she’s so breathless from that kiss.

“I survived—“ Aliya starts but Aly shakes her head and kisses her once more,

“You survived, yes. You’re surviving, but this isn’t living Aliya…let me help you _live_.” Aliya understands every word as she squeezes her eyes shut, their foreheads leaning together.

“Save me?” Aly nods against her forehead in response to Aliya's small voice, both of their eyes closing as they revel in the proximity to one another. She was going to do everything in her power to keep Aliya this time.

—

 _Somewhere close to you,_  
_close to you_


	4. Take All That I Have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> your comments literally make my day! I didn't even know this fic would be a good hit so I'm very happy it is if you have any questions or just wanna say hi my twitter is @chrome_peach and i'd love to hear from you guys + how you're liking it! 
> 
> xx

_Wake you up in the middle of the night to say_  
_"I will never walk away again"_

— 

“After my trip to Sochi for the winter Olympics, after seeing you I just couldn’t do it…” Aly pauses as she gives Aliya a second to process her English. She missed being able to talk like this with her and see the way the other girl's face would scrunch up in concentration at trying to translate from English to Russian.

Her heart would melt at the sight of Aliya furrowing her brow in thought and it made Aly wanted to kiss the girl every time she was this deep in thought.

Aliya gives Aly a thankful yet shy nod to continue as Aly held Aliya’s hands absentmindedly, both of them were on Aliya’s bed, Aly sitting up as Aliya was laying against her pillows listening to her.

“I realized the distance was slowly killing me, I—“ Aly chokes a little on her words as she tries not to cry again but regains her composure as Aliya gives her hand a reassuring squeeze. The girl doesn’t seem angry at her explanations any longer, she seems like this time she wants to listen.

“I cracked. I panicked because I love you so much, but I just couldn’t take another second apart from you and I let that win. I had a moment of weakness where I thought living without you was easier than the pain of living with you.”

There’s a small pause, Aliya waiting for Aly to finish as she holds her breath. “I never want to live without you again.”

Aly finishes just as Aliya leans up and kisses the small tears rolling down her cheeks. The move is so gentle and genuine that Aly reaches out and tugs Aliya closer, she couldn't describe how much she had missed the simple and soft way Aliya took care of her.

“But what about distance now?” Aliya pulls back to give Aly a sad expression. “Nothing changes. I still live in Russia and you in America.”

Aly sees something flash across Aliya’s face and it takes her heart in a vice grip to see the girl so confused and hurt. If Aly had been able to see Aliya’s face when they had broken up she didn’t think she’d be alive now.

Every time Aliya hurts Aly feels paralyzed in pain, they were so connected it wasn’t surprising to them after this long that they both felt so mentally and physically for one another.

She had assumed after Aliya wouldn’t return her calls, texts, or emails that she wanted to be completely done with the relationship and that was it. Yet it dawned on Aly suddenly that maybe Aliya never answered or tried to contact her because her pain was just as suffocating and paralyzing as Aly’s.

There were two broken hearts in the room, not just one.

Aliya takes one of Aly’s hands and holds it between them, flipping it over to examine her calloused palm. “I will not be able to—“ Aly can see her struggling with her words when she pauses but she nods her head in reassurance, letting Aliya know she’s listening so intently to her.

“If you leave again, I-I will not be able to survive this time.” Aliya takes Aly’s hand she’s holding and places it over her heart, pressing it there as she whispers the last word. Aly can feel herself starting to cry once again, she's more surprised her body still has tears left.

Aliya’s words hit her like a train as the impact almost makes her fall over, but she concentrates on her hand as it rests firmly over Aliya’s heart. She closes her eyes and focuses on the heartbeat under her palm. She focuses on the breathing of the woman she loves.

Aliya is giving Aly the power to reach into her chest and rip her heart right out, but trusting she won’t this time.

Aly lifts her head up to meet Aliya’s eyes that are also brimming with tears. Aliya leans in once more and kisses the tears rolling down Aly’s cheek.

The gesture is so foreign to Aly after all these years but at the same time it's also the most familiar gesture she's ever known. Aliya lets her lips linger right on Aly’s jaw, bringing her hand to cover Aly’s over her heart.

Aliya’s English is definitely better than the time she knew none, but she still has problems with single words in the language because the Russian language is complex and the sentence structure is completely different and she still has a disconnect with words.

She manages one word that she knows doesn’t need a full sentence for Aly to know the meaning, and she weighs on it heavily to anchor them.

“Stay.”

 

—

 

_ “We’re back with Aly Raisman of the women’s USA gymnastic’s team! Hi Aly, thank you for joining us at the coverage for the men’s halfpipe final! Ms. Raisman is an olympic medalist herself in gymnastics, that of which you probably already know. ” _

_Aly smiles at the camera as she waves. “Thank you for having me!” The commentator smiles as they shake hands. “So Aly you’re still fresh out of your wins from London, does it feel weird to be at an Olympic event you’re not competing at?”_

_Aly lets out a small laugh and shakes her head, she didn’t want to seem impatient but she wanted to finish this small interview as soon as possible._

_It had been a great offer for her to come and support the winter Olympics, she had practically jumped at the opportunity because it was in Russia and Aliya had also been invited._

_“No it doesn’t feel that weird since winter sports are not quite my thing, although I wish I was good at something like snowboarding or skiing, it’s great to see the winter teams from the USA compete!”_

_The two go back and forth for a couple minutes as they discuss Aly's career, her plans for Rio, and what she plans to do while she's in Sochi. The conversation is no more than 6 minutes but to Aly it feels like a fucking eternity._

_The commentator laughs with a smile before turning to the camera. “We’ll be back with more coverage of the men’s halfpipe here on NBC.”_

_Aly smiles and waves while the camera pans out, waiting for the clear as she unhooks her mic from her shirt. She thanks the commentator before hopping off her stool, hurrying off to the side to check her phone. Aliya’s plane to Sochi would be arriving at any moment and she wanted to be back at the hotel to greet her._

_“Ms. Raisman? Your car is ready.” Aly smiles thankfully at one of the NBC assistants as she bids a few people goodbye before following him outside. Aly shivers as the cold air hits her face, her lungs already inhaling air that feels like ice cubes. She knew Russia was cold in the winter but she didn’t know it was this cold._

_Aly smiles to herself at the way Aliya had laughed at her over the phone earlier that day._

_**“Krolik, of course it is cold! It is the coldest country in the world! You will look cute in giant parka.”** _

_The car pulls away down the snowy roads towards her hotel along the shore as she takes out her phone and sees an incoming text from Aliya. She’d landed safely and was on her way to the hotel as well._

_Aly pulls her large Canada Goose jacket around her shoulders as the car bumps along the road. She bounces her knee impatiently, her heart already speeding up at the prospect of seeing Aliya so soon._

_It had been a rough few months for their relationship, the honeymoon phase was kind of over and the two girls had training picking up back up and their contact hadn’t been as much as before._

_Aly wasn’t even sure if she was going to do Rio in 2016 but she trained none the less. Her parents had started to put pressure on her about colleges and she wasn’t quite sure what she wanted to do at the moment, other than be with Aliya._

_“We have arrived, Ms. Raisman.” Aly throws a grateful smile to her driver as she hops out and hurries into the lobby, silently thankful no one is around as people are probably still at the events._

_She takes a seat in the lobby off in a far corner, biting her lip anxiously as she opens her phone and absently scrolls through Instagram just to distract herself._

_Her head lifts every time the doors to the lobby slide open and her heart flutters but still no Aliya yet._

_She’s midway through commenting on a funny photo of Jordyn’s when she hears a soft voice say her name, turning her head up she feels like the world has shifted into slow motion as Aliya walks towards her._

_ The Russian radiates happiness as she walks, no, practically runs towards Aly, wearing a large red parka and snow boots and she looks absolutely adorable all bundled up.  _

_Aly stands, not knowing how her legs actually got themselves up but then she’s running to Aliya and she’s breathing the same air as her. She feels a small impact as their bodies collide but then she’s wrapping her arms around Aliya and she’s here and it isn’t just a dream._

_Aly spins Aliya around slightly, reveling in the small giggle that escapes her lips and then they’re pressing together and kissing like their lives depended on it. The air is sucked out of Aly’s lungs but she can live without it as long as Aliya is around._

_“Aly…” Aliya whispers as she frames Aly’s face between her palms and kisses her once more. Surprisingly what very few people that were in the lobby didn’t pay any attention to them. It was still kind of a walking-on-eggshells deal in public._

_Aly was comfortable with being more open about it, and in America they could be but here on Russian soil Aliya was paranoid by the threat of her country and Aly respected that._

_“You’re here, you’re here…!” Aly breathes as she grabs at Aliya’s wrists, arms, waist and back. She makes sure to feel every part of Aliya’s body, that she can within her coat, to commit it to memory._

_Aly reaches down and helps Aliya with her suitcases as they walk towards the elevators, Aly quickly pressing the number of her floor not even realizing Aliya was probably given her own room._

_“How was your flight?” Aly asks as Aliya leans into her shoulder once the elevator doors close._

_“Short, but felt so long because I wanted to see you.” Aliya places a kiss on Aly’s cheek as she leads the way out and into the hallway towards her room._

_Aly lets them both in as they set Aliya’s bags down, Aly enveloping Aliya in her arms right away as she peppers kisses all over her face the other girl giggling and swatting at her._

_ “I am gross from plane! You do not want to kiss me.” _

 

_“You are tired, let’s get into bed.” Aliya stands and helps Aly unpack a couple of her things, both of them enjoying the comfortable silence around them._

_Aly digs around in the pile of clothes from her suitcase as she pulls out a large tee and throws it on before out of instinct passing a tee to Aliya who just smirks and giggles._

_“You remember this is my favorite?” Aly looks as Aliya holds up a large tee with “USA” written on it. Aly didn’t even noticed that was the one she had grabbed but it’s like some sort of fate because that is the tee that Aliya always manages to steal from her whenever she’s around._

_“This bed is so comfy!” Aly laughs out while she snuggles under the blankets and pulls Aliya into her, the two small gymnasts looking minuscule in the king bed. Aly watches Aliya fight sleep for a little while they speak but eventually she gives in and all Aly can do is watch her in darkness of her hotel room._

_The moonlight that hits the bed illuminates a small part of Aliya’s face and Aly takes the time to memorize every curve and part of her beautiful face. She feels almost voyeuristic and creepy but her jet lag isn’t allowing her to sleep and this is helping her feel calm._

_She reaches out and starts to trace the lines of Aliya’s toned back, leaning down to kiss a shoulder blade. Her right arm is trapped between Aliya’s as the Russian holds her like a teddy bear. It’s been almost three hours now and she still can’t sleep, her mind is running on the adrenaline from seeing Aliya and being in Russia._

_There was something so exciting about being in the love of her life’s home country it was probably a very similar feeling to how Aliya felt coming to Massachusetts. She wanted to soak up every moment she can in Russia because she knows in a blink she’ll be back on the plane flying thousands of miles away from Aliya and her heart can’t take it._

_So she does something spontaneous, she does it because fuck it this is her life and she wants to live. “Aliya, baby, hey…” She reaches out a hand, feeling somewhat guilty, but she keeps gently nudging Aliya’s shoulder before the younger woman stirs._

_“Aly? Is everything alright?” Aliya looks around sleepily, another pang of guilt hitting Aly at Aliya’s disoriented face but they have so limited time they can sleep later. “Yeah I just couldn’t sleep, and I was watching you sleep and had an idea!”_

_Aliya blinks at the digital clock beside their bed before she blinks again at Aly’s enthusiasm at 4:30 in the morning. “Can it wait detka? I’m so tired.”_

_Aly shakes her head and rubs her fingers over Aliya’s back, nipping her neck teasingly. “Let’s go for a walk along the snowy beach…I want to see Sochi and I want to see it with you.” Aliya groans and shakes her head as she attempts to roll over but Aly catches her._

_“Please, Alka? I’ll let you keep the tee shirt…” Aly propositions lightly as she sees Aliya seriously consider it. “Okay. Fine, we go.” Aliya sits up and starts climbing off the bed to find her clothes while Aly squeals and leaps after her._

 

—

 

“Do they hurt a lot?” Aly asks quietly as she runs her fingers over the bruising on Aliya’s ribs, biting her lip anxiously. They’re both laying down on Aliya’s bed, Aly is propped on her side observing the yellow and blue marks on Aliya’s skin with worry.

“Not these ones anymore. They are just mark now, they go away soon.” Aliya motions to the ones scored across her ribs and sides before she turns over a bit. “The ones on my back are new. They hurt most right now.”

Aly shakes her head and nudges her face against Aliya’s jaw. “I want him arrested and charged with assault, I want to hurt him for doing this—“

“I can’t. You can't. I will have no coach for Rio and he’ll have me thrown into institution.” Aly lifts her head up and frowns, tilting her head in confusion Aliya senses it and tries to explain.

“Homosexuality is illegal in Russia. Anything like that is.” Aliya takes a deep breath before she averts her eyes to her hands. “He says he hurts me to help fix me,” Aly almost chokes, forcing down the very violent urge to vomit as the image of Sergei hitting Aliya earlier fills her mind.

“The court will say I am mentally unstable and lock me away somewhere. It is even illegal to talk about it.” Aliya finishes with a small shrug, Aly trying to wrap her head around how heavy that must weigh on the Russian. She can’t even fathom it at the moment.

“But we can still do something—I’m not going to let you go back to Russia with him, if he even lays a hand on you again…” Aly trails off not really sure how she’s going to handle this situation but she’s going to do something. She probably should tell Gabby or someone else but she doesn’t want to risk the chance of Aliya getting into a legal mess.

“I think about it.” Aliya nods to reassure Aly but Aly isn’t finished with the topic, she sits up looking like she’s getting ready to say something as Aliya raises an eyebrow.

“Try to stay away from him as much as you can, I mean—try not to be alone with him, until I can figure out something because none of this is okay, I don’t know if I’ll be able to control myself if he hurts you one more time.”

The desperation in Aly’s voice is what drives the point home to Aliya as the other woman nods quietly in understanding and leans up to drop a gentle kiss to Aly’s cheek. “I will try. I am just very numb still.”

Aly scoots closer as she cups Aliya’s cheek in her palm before giving her a soft kiss. “I’m going to help you, I will do anything I can to…” Aly trails off as Aliya gives her a curious look, Aly lost in thought as she sits up and a wave of emotion suddenly hits her like a brick wall.

"I'm worried you haven't been eating properly, I can see it in your face and ribs and it fucking kills me to see him taking you down like this. Tomorrow morning we're going to have a good breakfast and go from there, okay?" Aly's nurturing instincts kick in fully when she's around Aliya, she assumed it came with being the oldest of four.

Aliya nods silently, biting her lip anxiously and Aly can sense from her movements it embarrasses her to talk about all the changes that have happened to her. Aly makes a mental note to discuss it later at a better time. She's watching Aliya when it hits her. 

She suddenly struggles against the idea that Aliya could be dragged back to Russia by Sergei and that there was only this monster standing in the way of Aliya’s health and happiness, her throat constricts and she tries to breathe normally.

She feels Aliya squeezing her arm for her to continue but she suddenly can’t. She shakes her head and tries to swallow around the emotion in her throat but it remains there.

“You’ll come back with me to Boston. I’ll take care of you and my family will help you get healthy again—“

Aliya shakes her head instantly and sits up to face Aly, tears spilling down the American’s cheeks as she reaches out to wipe them away again. “Nyet, I can’t. My family, my friends, my gym, my-”

“This is your last year anyways right? Come home with me. My family adores you and they’ll keep us safe. Your country will only hurt you, Aliya.”

Aly doesn’t want to sound so harsh, she doesn't want to take Aliya out of her homeland but she can’t fucking fathom the idea that Aliya will go back and remain there, closer to Sergei than she is to Aly. She doesn't want to think about how oppressed and paranoid Aliya feels there.

Aly knows she’s asking a lot of Aliya. She’s pretty much asking her to defect to America and leave behind her family and friends and it’s kind of selfish but Aly doesn’t care, she can’t help but be selfish when it comes to Aliya Mustafina. 

Aliya opens her mouth to say something, she really needs to tell Aly something but she doesn't know how to say it in English, but before she can even try Aly squeezes her hand and whispers to her.

“Just…think about it, okay? Please?”

Aliya watches Aly’s face and scans over every inch and curve. She can sense all her emotions and the desperation in her voice. Although at times it seems Aliya struggles with her emotions she still wants Aly to know she feels everything she feels just as deeply.

“Okay. I think about it.” Aly smiles in relief and Aliya realizes then how much a small smile from Aly was what gave her life. Anytime the other girl was speaking, laughing, or doing something she enjoyed Aliya was always watching for those small shy smiles she would let peak out. It made her stomach flutter, it was like a punch of pure happiness directly to the heart.

 

—

 

_ “Is it really this fucking cold most of the year?” Aly shivers in her large parka, slightly regretting her decision to drag them out into the snow but the way Aliya looks all zipped up in her winter coat is worth it. Aliya tilts her head and laughs gently, swinging their linked hands between them.  _

_“Nyet, it can get even colder.” She laughs again at Aly’s horrified expression as they walk along the snowy pathways of the beach by the hotel. Aly thought the Massachusetts winter was unbearable but being in Sochi was like being in the ice age._

_“Come here. I warm you up.” Aliya pulls Aly into her body by the pockets of her coat and presses them together, their rosy cheeks resting together. “Better?” Aly nods silently as she hangs onto the girl, the snow falling quietly around their entwined figures._

_They probably looked like two giant blobs  to anyone who saw them from a distance but they were two giant blobs in love. “Hey, you’ve got something…” Aly mutters as Aliya looks at her before Aly quickly sprinkles snow onto Aliya’s noise as the girl shrieks and jumps back._

_“Aly!” Aliya gasps in amusement as she bats at her face furiously with her mittened hands as Aly tosses her head back in laughter. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist it come here!”_

_Aliya pretends to be offended as she stalks teasingly away from Aly as the other girl follows instep with her and tries to grab at her waist Aliya batting her away every time._

_Aly laughs and is about to say something before Aliya breaks off into a small sprint and it takes Aly a moment to come to her senses but she quickly realizes Aliya has a snowball in her hand and is now standing a few feet away from her._

_“Aliya, no!! I said I was sorry!” Aly backs away with a laugh as she tries to scramble to pack some snow together into a ball but before she can the one Aliya was holding hits her square in the chest and she stumbles back losing her balance._

_Thank god for her coat she doesn’t feel a lot of flakes get under her clothes but when she lands her face does collide with a nice pile of white._

_She falls into the soft white substance with a loud laugh and holds up her gloved hands in surrender. “Okay, you win! Aliya Mustafina is the Olympic champion of snowballing!” She hears footsteps crunching in the snow before Aliya is hovering over her with a satisfied smirk on her face._

_“Good. Russia is always number one.” Aly sticks her tongue out and snatches Aliya’s ankle as she tugs the girl down on top of her so they’re both laying in the falling snow. Aliya gasps and lands on top of Aly with a thump, their faces inches from each other before she closes the distance and kisses Aly fiercely._

_“I love you, Aly.” Aliya pulls back for a moment to whisper it into the air between their lips and Aly wonders if it’s possible to die from loving someone too much. She feels the air between them and runs her gloved hand through Aliya’s snowy hair. “I love you so much, Aliya.”_

_Aliya doesn’t say anything she just rests her face into Aly’s warm neck and dots small kisses to her jugular, Aly squeezing her as much as she could through their large jackets. There’s this weird silent moment between them where both of them are deep in thought but thinking about each other._

_Aly was sure the past few months had been rough on Aliya but for Aly it was this never ending torture. She was consumed day and night with the anxiety and pain of being away from Aliya, it was getting to the point where she felt a physical pain in her chest at the thought of being away from Aliya._

_She had been an irritated mess back home in Boston all she could do was lash out at her parents or anyone who crossed paths with her on a bad day. She wasn't as happy training in her gym as she usually was, even her teammates had seen a shift in her mood._

_Holding her right now just reaffirms how Aliya was like a life source for Aly and it was becoming unhealthy for her to constantly be worrying about the state of their long distance relationship. She just wanted to talk to Aliya about it but she didn't know how. She was going to she just didn’t know how to let Aliya know how fucked up she was without scaring the other girl._

_**I’m fucking miserable without you. Every morning I cry in the shower because you’re not with me. This relationship is slowly killing me, and I don’t know what to do.** _

_Aly turns and presses a long lingering kiss to Aliya’s temple and as the two lay there in the wintery land Aly comes to terms with everything. She’s not going to be able to leave Russia without Aliya, she’s not going to be able to leave Russia and be in this kind of pain. It’s an all encompassing emotion, being in love, and it’s fucking terrifying and thrilling._

_Aly doesn’t pray often, even though she does consider herself religious, but it's here in the early hours of the morning, laying in a snowbank on the shores of Sochi with Aliya she prays for the first time in a long time and she isn’t quite sure to whom in particular but it’s to whoever is out there listening._

_**Please, let us survive.**_

_**—** _

_You say "Go, it isn't working", and I say "No, it isn't perfect"_  
_so I stay instead, I'm never gonna leave this bed_


	5. Silhouette

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting this part but before you begin reading I wanted to address two things;
> 
> I understand this fic is getting a lot of criticism and hate from people that do not like raistafina, and I know it might be surprising but I'm not writing this to piss people off. I'm solely writing this work of fiction because I enjoy writing this couple and I like writing for the people that also like this. I'm really not trying to fight with anyone or get into any petty drama. If you don't enjoy this I would like to respectively ask you not to read it then.
> 
> The last thing I'd like to address is about comments. I've been getting a few back-handed comments and I'd like to think you mean well and don't try to be rude with your comments but some of them are hurtful. I'm all here for constructive criticism and what not but just saying something rude isn't constructive. I do the best I can when I write this, I'm not a professional novelist, but I really try and I'm sorry if that cannot meet your standards which I can understand, but then don't read it. If you have a real issue please contact me directly. I'm glad to see so many people are liking this and that is truly one of the greatest feelings, but I hope you can understand why I find those back-handed comments hurtful and discouraging. 
> 
> Don't worry I'm not going to stop writing, I just wanted to address these things that were bugging me!
> 
> xx

_It’s only been a lifetime, but tonight you’re a stranger;_   _some silhouette_

_ —  _

They stay up and talk for hours neither of them checking the time as they let it pass. All that mattered was that they were here and in each other’s presence after all this time. They had so much to catch up on and Aliya wastes no time with her questions about Aly’s family, friends, Boston, school etc.

She wanted to know everything she possibly could, acting as if at any moment their time would be interrupted or cut short. 

Aly was sure no one in the world loved Aliya as much as she did but her family could almost rival her in that claim. Finally after some convincing Aliya let Aly finally ask about her life and in truth Aliya didn't have much to tell or wanted to. How did you tell the person that destroyed you that your life has been a shit show for the last 2 years?

Although Aliya appeared reserved Aly was persistent and continued to ask about how Aliya’s friends, family, and her life in Moscow. It never really occurred to Aly how invested she was in Aliya’s life inside and outside of gymnastics.

Their countries were competitors above all. Russia and America had always been the top two rivals for world gymnastics but that didn’t stop most of the gymnasts from being wanting to be friendly with one another.

When Aly hears that Vika is suffering from back pain and Ksenia has had to retire due to kidney disease it makes her miss competing alongside the impressive women. The friendly competition between them was something Aly enjoyed about their sport.

Unlike other sports where there was only bitterness between athletes, there wasn’t much of that in gymnastics. As a gymnast you always want to come out on top but there is no pain in admitting some competitors can be better at times.

There was no room in gymnastics for pettiness and backhanded comments because everyone proved their skill in the apparatus and not by making snide remarks.

That was something Aly admired most about Aliya. She proved her skill and power on the floor and not in the way commentators and reporters portrayed her. The captain was such a comforting and kind person to athletes and teammates it angered Aly that people could only see her as a cold and stoic person.

To anyone who knows gymnastics Aliya's intense facial expressions are just the concentration and determination that she has as an athlete.

Aly doesn't see the “never-smiles-ice-queen” instead she sees an amazing gymnast and captain who takes care of her disheartened teammates, supports them in every apparatus, and who makes time to come cheer the men’s and women’s teams respectively.

Aly sees the girl who hadn't let a torn ACL stop her from showing up to every single practice to chalk the bars and beams for everyone even if she wasn’t physically able to practice alongside them she still was present and attentive.

No, Aly certainly doesn't see a cold Russian athlete, she sees one of the most selfless people in the world.

They sit in comfortable silence before Aly asks the next question out of pure vulnerability and curiosity, 

"Did you ever...I mean- have you been with anyone since me?" She braces herself for an answer that will shatter her but what Aliya says makes Aly want to cry. Why did she ever give up the most honest and genuine thing in her life? 

Aly had taken Aliya's heart and smashed it, and the girl didn't owe Aly anything in response yet the fact that she sits here and answers every one of Aly's questions makes Aly want to go back in time and sucker punch her younger self. 

"No. I did not want to be with anyone else." Aly believes her because she can tell Aliya is telling the truth. In all honestly Aly had been terrified to ask the question because she thought she already knew the answer. More often than not she had found herself hiding in her room to watch Aliya's interviews on YouTube.

She would hide away and try to comb through every detail of her videos when interviewers would inquire about her personal life, which was scarce, but it was still there if one looked hard enough. 

In one of the most recent videos, which there weren't many of Aliya, she's talking with a journalist and the male gymnast Denis Ablyazin. The two appear flirty and a little more than friends in the interview. Thoughts of the two together had consumed Aly's dreams and thoughts for some time but now as she teeters on the edge waiting for Aliya to pull her back she finally exhales.

"Not even Denis Ablyazin?" Aliya turns to look at Aly and shakes her head genuinely with a small smile at the hint of jealousy in Aly's tone. "No, just friends. Close friends. He knows...what Sergei can be like, he's only other top gymnast Sergei coaches."

She had a small string of thought in the back of her mind telling her Aliya had found someone else but the flood of relief leaving her body at Aliya's sincere answer told her otherwise.

"Sergei wants us to be couple. He pushes for it but Denis respects me." Aly can only nod in response and try to stop the heart palpitations taking over her body so instead she changes the subject.

“Have you gotten better at driving?” Aly speaks softly and teasingly as she runs a hand through Aliya’s hair, gently massaging her scalp as they lay sleepily in the small bed.

She lets the strands of light brown glide through her finger tips before combing a hand through it all over again. Aliya nods with proud smile as she sits up next to Aly. 

“Yes. I show you sometime.” Aly smiles in return before they settle into another comfortable silence. Aly smiles affectionately while watching Aliya’s eyes close sleepily then shoot back open when she remembers Aly is next to her.

It's a cute sight for Aly to watch but also a sad one. She can't imagine the emotions running through Aliya's head at being in the same position they were before Aly left. She feels a sense of guilt for inviting herself into Aliya's room and into her bed again without letting her process.

She pulls back a bit, her thoughts causing the gesture, but Aliya frowns and pulls her back in with a silent look. Aly leans down and lets her lips rest on Aliya's forehead.

“You can sleep, Alka…I promise to be here when you wake up.”

It hurts to say because this was Sochi all over again except this time Aly wasn't going anywhere. She could still see the conflict in Aliya’s eyes as the Russian observed her closely, trying to detect any early sign of Aly's departure. The minute she closes her eyes she knows she has to trust Aly won't leave this time.

“Will…you promise?” She can’t help but ask it because she’s almost positive this was a cruel, cruel dream but Aly moved her face close to her’s and nodded firmly.

Aly doesn't kiss her, because it isn't the time to be romantic, it's the time for her to make Aliya trust her again.

Aly knew she wasn’t fully forgiven and Aliya knew she knew. Aliya didn't want to say it but she just couldn’t get over her hurt just like that but being next to Aly was helping.

Talking with her was helping. The confidence in Aly’s eyes were a comfort to Aliya as it solidified her dedication to fixing the damage she had done.

But when that sun rises over Rio Aly is going to be in bed next to Aliya no matter what. Aliya swallows, her eyes moving to lock into Aly’s as she begs the girl to promise her, begs her to make Aliya trust her again, and since Aly can read Aliya so well she gives her the absolute truth,

"Obeshchayu." _I promise_.

Aly says the word so quietly as she watches Aliya’s eyes finally close the other girl giving up the fight of exhaustion. She leaves a lingering kiss on Aliya’s lips before she herself falls asleep tucked into the small twin bed.

 

—

 

_She wants to remember the feel of Aliya’s lips on places of her body that she would never let anyone else touch again, she wants to remember the way Aliya squeals when Aly tickles her sides, or the way her body felt tucked against Aly’s late at night while they slept._

_Aliya notices something off about Aly tonight but doesn’t say anything, she assumes it’s just the fatigue of the Sochi winter getting to her. “I’m sad you only have two more days here.” Aliya says into Aly’s hair, kissing the crown of her head gently._

_Aly remains silent unable to form a sentence because her words are caught in her throat. She doesn’t know how to tell her—she doesn’t know how to even wrap her head around what she’s about to do. All she can muster right now is a few words,_

_“I’ll be counting the days until I see you next.” She feels Aliya’s smile against the top of her head as the other girl nods her agreement._

_“Yes. Soon.”_

_Aly blinks back her tears before she twists her upper body and switches the light off, pulling both of them down into the comforter. “Let’s sleep, I’m exhausted.” Aly turns and envelopes Aliya into her body, pressing a hard kiss to her lips as the two mold into each other like puzzle pieces._

_“I love you, Alka.” Aly whispers when she pulls back thankful for the darkness of the room or else Aliya would be able to see the tears in her eyes. Aliya smiles and kisses Aly’s forehead._

_She may not be able to see the tears but she felt one roll down Aly’s cheek and in that moment Aliya can sense a shift in the air but she ignores it as she falls asleep against the only person that matters._

 

—

 

_ Aly sits on the edge of their bed a letter clutched tightly in her palm while she watches the time fly by on the small bedside clock. She glances back every so often to look at the sleeping form of her girlfriend, cuddled tightly in the blankets and holding onto her bunny plush so tightly.  _

_The sight tugs at her heart so tightly she feels it might snap like an elastic._

_Aly’s plane was leaving in 3 hours back to America. It was a day earlier than she had told Aliya and she had nearly broken down buying the ticket the other day._

_She hadn’t even told her parents, she thinks she’s going to be too numb anyways and she’ll just sit in Logan airport for a while._

_She doesn't know what the hell she's about to do but she knew she has to do it. Being away from Aliya was the most intense emotional experience Aly had ever suffered._

_She has never despised Russia more than in these past few days of being in the country, realizing that she's going to leave the country with the one thing that she came for._

_She feels as small and insignificant as humanly possible. She aches in places that she never knew existed inside of her._

_It doesn’t matter how much she throws herself into training, how many fun nights she has with her friends, how many haircuts she gets, or how many interviews and singings she does, she still goes to bed every night going over every detail of why God hates her so much he’s keeping Aliya so far from her._

_Sometimes she can even convince herself that Aliya will suddenly show up at her door for good and after all of this Aliya and her will go somewhere far, far away from the pressures of their gyms, competitions, and everything else._

_But that day hasn’t come and it won’t come, not if she continues in this way and it’s because of that she has to try to make it without Aliya._

_She stands, setting the semi-crumpled letter onto her pillow next to Aliya before she leans over and leaves a lingering kiss on her nose._

_She doesn’t worry about waking Aliya because she sleeps like the dead but out of care she picks up her bag and starts to the door quietly, forcing herself not to look back as she wills her body to close the door behind her with a small click that shatters her heart entirely._

 

—

 

_Aliya rolls onto her side and groans in irritation when the sunlight through the open blinds greets her._

_“Aly… curtains,” she mumbles sleepily and reaches a hand out to paw around Aly’s side of the bed, her eyes snapping open instantly when she feels nothing there._

_She sits up and manages to rub the sleep from her eyes as she looks around the hotel room quickly and glances to the bathroom door, trying to listen for any sign of Aly being in there._

_She slides off the bed sleepily and realizes she doesn’t see any of Aly’s things scattered around the room as they had been the night before._

_She frowns and reaches for her phone to call the girl before she sees the letter on Aly’s pillow._

_A cold, sickening feeling sinks into her stomach as she snatches the letter off the pillow and tears into it before she digs her Russian to English dictionary out of her suitcase and sits on the edge of the bed._

 

—

 

_**Aliya** ,  _

_I don’t know how to start this, I don't want to write this, I don't even know what I'm doing. Everything inside me hurts right now. By the time you read this I’ll be on a plane back to America. I’m so, so sorry I left you like this…_

_The love I have for you is so indescribable which is why I’m going to try to explain all of this… I’ve had this pain inside me since London, and it’s because I love you so much._

_Aliya, just looking at you isn’t enough, staring is the only way that makes sense._

_Every time I’m around you I try not to blink because I’m afraid I’ll miss anything._

_You take the breath straight out of my lungs with just a simple touch, smile, or spoken word. I can’t control myself around you, it’s like I could live without oxygen for the rest of my life because all I need is you. I could just die if I got to look at you while I did._

_I…feel completely **broken** when I wake up and you’re not there beside me. _

_I have trouble swallowing my food and staying focused—all I can think about is seeing you, breathing you in and just drowning in your presence._

_When we kissed for the first time in London I knew everything was going to change for me, but I didn’t know that everyone else would be ruined romantically for me._

_There is you and only you, I can’t even imagine looking or thinking about everyone else._

_But I can’t be in this kind of pain anymore. I can’t fucking cope and it’s the worst thing in the world._

_I’m sorry I never brought any of this up until now, I just didn’t know how…The love we have is suffocating in all the good and bad ways but sometimes just love isn’t enough._

_Sometimes we can’t just survive purely on the love we have for each other alone. No matter how much we love each other, no matter how much we want to be together, there's sometimes just not enough. That is something I’ve learned and it’s completely broken me._

_I love you more than myself but that won’t save our relationship, I think it will only do it damage in the future._ _I'm so afraid I will resent you if I keep hurting like this._

_Sometimes I don't even know who I am without you. Who am I without you? I can't even answer that question- but I need to if I'm ever going to be able to love you again._

_I'm a stranger to myself and that terrifies me. I'm terrified of becoming someone I don't recognize but I'm more afraid of becoming someone that can't love you._

_I try to concentrate on my training, I try to surround myself with good friends and family, and I try to do things that make me feel like the distance is worthwhile but no matter how hard I try there is this disconnect between me and reality._

_A part of me is always hoping that day by day the little pieces of my heart that you have **taken** will finally come back to me._

_I’m always wishing that slowly the ache in my chest will begin to fade._

_I go to bed wondering how in the hell, during the moments we’re together, could I be that fucking happy? It’s like you’re a drug that only I have an addiction for. I’m gripped with the fear that you’re going to find someone new or the fear that I will find someone new and have to settle because you’re not here._

_That’s why I have to do this. I have to try to live without you, even though I know I probably won’t be able to make it, I have to give it a try because maybe living without you is less painful than living like this._

_All I know is I want this fucking hurt in my body to go away, I want to feel normal again and I want to feel like this love that we share isn’t going to kill me._

_I think you will hate me after you read this—and maybe it will be easier that way if you do. I just can’t stay anymore._

_I’m so sorry, but I have to try._

**_Aly_ **

 

—

 

_ A full day passes and Aliya does not move from her place on the bed. She stares at the window as the sun goes down slowly and night once again settles over Russia.  _

_She holds the letter in her hands, the paper torn from where she’s gripped it too hard. She can’t even feel the hours pass all she feels is heartbreak seizing every single muscle in her body._

_With the snowy night looming over the sky she finally wills her body to pick up her phone and dial Aly’s number. She would have gotten to Boston by now._

_ She listens to the ring on the other end, her eyes still staring straight ahead.  _

_She hears the sound of Aly picking up but the other girl says nothing at first. It had taken Aliya a couple hours to translate the English in the letter completely but by the time she had gotten most of the words she had to stop because she could physically feel herself dying._

_Aly had no idea how much the distance was effecting Aliya, and she hadn’t cared to ask either—It had never occurred to her that the younger girl was suffering in the exact same way, maybe even more so._

_“Aliya—“_

_“Aly…”_

_Her voice is hoarse and scratchy from not speaking for the entire day but she grates the words out and swallows around the dryness in her throat._

_“I can’t…”_

_“Aly, please do not give up, I love you so much…” Aliya scrambles to try to form her English sentences quickly before Aly is gone for good, they can do this, they can survive if Aly just listens._

_“It’s not enough—“ Aly pauses, feeling her resolve finally break, her voice cracking as she continues,_

_“It fucking hurts! It burns this feeling inside of me and it’s killing me, you're killing me!“_

_Aly doesn’t mean for that to come out the way it does. She regrets it the moment she says it, self hatred gripping her._

_Aliya gasps brokenly and hears Aly try to say something else but before she even has the chance to open her mouth Aliya throws her phone across the room and listens to it smash against the far wall._

_Aliya falls to the ground, her vision blurring while she clutches her chest and heart, her body wracked with excruciating pain._

_She doesn’t hear herself screaming and sobbing. She doesn’t hear anything except the pounding of her heart in her ears._

_She doesn’t think about Aly, she doesn’t think about how Aly has deserted her, and she doesn’t think about how she’s never felt more lost in her entire life. All she can think about is how this is what it must feel like to die._

__—_ _

_Let’s go out in flames so everyone knows who we are_


	6. Echo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! first off I really want to thank everyone that offered enormous support regarding my last note, thank you, thank you, thank you! You make writing this fic worth it all, just to know I'm making you happy is the best. I'm sorry if my last message made some people feel like I wasn't going to continue the story, but I most certainly am.
> 
> For those of you who mentioned Jenkenlee's fic "First Times" I'm glad you saw the similarities. I really wanted this to be a sort of continuation of her work, although it is not meant to be a sequel because it has a different plot and I'm not here to take her story, I'm hoping to finish what Jenkenlee started since we never got the ending to First Times.
> 
> I'm sorry I was so late in updating this I'm starting school today and I've been moving into my new place etc, I promise to update with part 7 early this week because this chapter doesn't have much Aly/Aliya action, I promise to update again asap. Also I'm such a fan of Simone and Maria Paseka I had to throw them into the story more!
> 
> I'm so sad the Olympics are over but maybe Aly and Aliya will come back for Tokyo!
> 
> Again, thank you for the support, I love you all
> 
> xx

_ I don't really know where the world is but I miss it now _

—

 

Aliya opens her eyes as the sound of her alarm blares through her ears. She groans and reaches over to silence her phone before she feels a body shift next to her. She blinks away the sleepiness and sits up to look down at a snoring Aly.

The last 24 hours flood back into her brain and her lips crack into a small smile. Aly was sleeping against her. She was here, in the flesh and breathing.

She glances to the time and reads 6:30am before her body springs into a panic and she almost falls off the bed, Aly waking with a start.

“Oh my god, Aliya are you okay?!” Aly reaches over the side of the bed and helps Aliya up, the other girl points to the clock Aly’s eyes widening in realization at the time.

“Shit! Today is—“

“Team all around.” Aliya finishes for Aly before they stare at each other, their whole situation feeling like London all over again. The sneaking around, the secrets, the shared looks, it was a comfortable and a somewhat exciting familiarity to them.

Both of them shoot up and start scrambling for their things, brushing past each other like they were doing a dance they knew all too well.  Aly throws on her sweat pants and jacket before handing Aliya her shirt and pants automatically, both of them dress in a flash as if they weren't both just half naked in bed together a second ago.

The two of them finish in silence before Aliya walks Aly to the door quickly, her hand on her lower back comfortingly.

“I have to meet the girls at breakfast…” Aly starts, reaching for Aliya’s waist as she pauses near the door, leaning her head down to press them together for a small kiss. “Good luck today—I wish we had more time right now…”

Aliya nods in understanding, kissing her back without hesitation before she pushes her out into the hall gently, paranoid someone is going to catch them. “We talk later.” Aliya whispers as she hands Aly her shoes and shuts the door with a wink.

It takes Aly’s breath away and she has to take a good minute to collect herself before she hurries back to her room a few flights down.

She can’t help the shit eating grin breaking out across her face, she doesn’t even realize she’s still holding her shoes, all she thinks about is the feel of Aliya’s lips on hers.

She hears the sound of other athletes waking up for their morning practices and nearly dodges a pair of Brazilian swimmers coming out of their room.

Aly pays them no mind, her mind in a completely different dimension as she slides her key card and pushes into her room, the pair staring after her like she’s a psychopath.

“Gymnasts are fucking weird.”

 

—

 

“You’re happy this morning.” Aliya glances up from her eggs as Maria nudges her side affectionally, the vaulter giving her a knowing wink. Aliya blinks and frowns around her bite of fruit. 

“What are you talking about, Masha?” She looks around the table, Seda and Angelina in a quiet conversation while they observe Daria and Nikita at another table, probably gossiping about them.

“I’m not dumb. You haven’t stopped smiling since we sat down, and you’re actually eating something.” Maria raises one of her perfectly sculpted eyebrows and smirks over the top of her glass. Aliya shrugs  nonchalantly and pokes her eggs, turning her gaze to her plate.

There’s this anxiety and paranoia itching at the tip of Aliya’s spine and it creeps up her skin ever so slowly—just the thought of the happiness she was feeling this morning could be taken from her so easily by just a slip up.

Sometimes Aliya believes Sergei had people watching her every move, for the longest time she couldn’t even trust Vika or Maria, her paranoia consumed her every waking moment.

What could she possibly have to say to Masha?

“I finally got to kiss and hold the love of my life after two years—and she wants me to come back to America with her. I thought I’d never feel anything again. Sergei is probably going to have me thrown in an institution, and I’ll die there alone.”

But the look Maria gives her isn’t quizzical or disappointing, it’s full of concern and care.

Care. Something Aliya had been completely void of for the last two years. Her emotions, what very little she had left, were starting to come back to her slowly but she was a glass tower; breakable at any moment.

“You talk to Raisman?” Aliya snaps her head up to Maria who gives her another knowing look. Aliya focuses on the expression of one of her closest friends, she concentrates on the tone of Maria’s voice and the way her eyebrow quirks.

She doesn’t feel threatened, and a feeling of relief settles into her muscles. Maria doesn’t disapproving, if anything she was approving.

“Yes.” She says with such little defensiveness it makes Maria smile and kiss her cheek to reassure her.

“I want happiness for you.” It makes Aliya want to cry because it’s one of the most simple things a friend can say to another, but she just never thought she would ever hear it.

 

—

 

“Grandma, did you even hear what I said?” Aly blinks as Simone’s fingers snap in her face, the younger girl smiles teasingly at the nickname the rest of the USA team calls Aly. 

“No, sorry, I was thinking—“

“About Aliya?” Aly feels her heart start to pick up at the mention of the Russian’s name and Simone can see the emotions flicker over her face at light speed. 

Aly looks around to make sure Simone hadn’t shouted her question and after realizing everyone else was too deep in conversation or listening to music she relaxed a little.

“I know you were in her room all night, I came by to talk to you because I couldn’t sleep and I just figured…” Simone trails off but gives Aly a knowing smile before she plops down into the empty seat beside her.

“Tell. Me. Everything!” Simone tugs on Aly’s arm with a bright smile, making sure only the two of them can converse with each other but Aly hesitates, biting her lip.

“Simone—“

Simone rolls her eyes and kicks Aly’s leg affectionally, the gesture was so casual and there was no indication that Simone even cared that Aly had been with a girl.

She was extremely close to Simone, sometimes just as close as she was to Gabby, but with Gabby sometimes topics were limited.

With Simone nothing was off limits, except maybe she hadn’t really mentioned Aliya early on but it had taken her some time to trust Simone in the way she trusted Gabby.

“Aly, don’t be stupid. Don’t act like you didn’t sob to me about her that time I came to your house when you were wrecked on vodka, the week after you returned from Sochi.”

To be honest, Aly doesn’t remember much from that week besides the unfathomable pain, the drinking, and the crying. She had entirely destroyed her liver and that’s the way she wants to remember that week, if there is anything to remember at all.

She does faintly remember mentioning Aliya to someone and apparently that someone had been Simone. After sobering up a little after she barely remembered the conversation they had but she does remember mentioning it and kind of decided to not bring it up after that.

She was in a weird fucked up way hoping Simone had forgotten about her being in love with a girl, she was hoping she had forgotten everything she had said about Aliya.

“What about it?” Simone rolls her eyes again and makes a forward motion with her hands, trying to draw it out of Aly but she settles for saying it herself, realizing Aly isn’t going to admit it.

“You told me about her…well you more like sobbed about her to me, I figured you didn’t want to talk about it again so I just didn’t bring it up, I didn’t want to upset you.”

Aly blinks again, trying to process that night with Simone but her memory isn’t great of that week.

“You didn’t find it…weird?” This time it’s Simone’s turn to look taken aback, she feigns hurt as she places a hand over her heart dramatically.

“Aly, why on earth would I find it weird? The only weird part is that we’ve competed with Russia forever, and you have some Romeo and Juliet shit going on with their captain!”

Aly bursts into laughter, the bubbly and positive personality that Simone exudes is contagious and she can’t help but realize the girl is right.

There’s nothing that Aly should try to hide from Simone, not only because the girl was bound to find out eventually but Simone wanted to be there for Aly, she just had to let her.

The fear that she felt was slowly slipping away and it was one of the most freeing emotions Aly had ever felt. It was like she could finally breathe, she could release this cement block of anxiety she carried around with her.

She could psychically feel the air coming back into her lungs as she turns to Simone, biting her lip.

“You’re not questioning why I’m in love with a girl and not a guy…?” Aly speaks softly, not able to meet Simone’s eyes that blaze into her. She feels a strong slap on her arm and she squeaks, giving Simone an annoyed look.

“Raisman, I’m hurt you think I’d ever judge you for anything!” Simone covers her heart again like she’s been hurt before she flashes one of her award winning smiles and tugs a still surprised Aly into a tight hug, whispering her next words so only Aly could hear them.

“The only thing I ever questioned was why you waited so long to fight for her.”

 

—

 

“You have to nail every routine today. There is no room for your dumb mistakes. You’re lucky you qualified with that piece of shit beam routine during qualifications.” Sergei states angrily, leaving no room for argument as he leans on the bench next to Aliya. 

“You may have gotten by in Baku a year ago on shitty routines, but right now you have to carry the fucking team, do not disappoint.”

His voice is cold and unforgiving but all of that is completely saturated to Aliya at this point. She doesn’t feel anything but hatred for the man leaning over her, talking to her like she’s a dog or some animal he thinks he can tame.

She cracks her knuckles, outlining the chalk lines on her hands and palms as she nods along to his words. “Do you hear me?”

She feels a hand grip her bicep trying to force her attention to the swine breathing over her, but she flicks her eyes to his immediately, shooting merciless daggers.

Sergei almost takes a step back at the surprisingly bout of challenge from her, his face morphs into that of shock, having been so used to Aliya just submitting weakly. She wants to smile in satisfaction but keeps her face stoic.

“Don’t start with an attitude—“

“Or what? You’ll beat your _star_ athlete and then who’s going to win the gold for Russia?”

She bites back angrily, her sudden change in behavior long over due. She can’t describe it right now but the confidence that Aly gives her is unmeasurable, she feels it pulsing through her entire body.

She stands, and even though she isn’t anywhere near Sergei’s height she feels like she’s towering over him.

She feels tough standing next to this coward. She can’t believe she’s let this man take two years of her life, and that was all going to start changing right now.

Sergei glances around, feeling threatened as he stares down Aliya, searching for one last power move to put her in her place so he raises his hand and brings it down quickly but suddenly finds his wrist caught in a vice grip.

They lock eyes and for a second Aliya feels she might falter but she pushes through it. Because this is for Aly, for anyone who Sergei has made feel insignificant, and because she owes this to herself most importantly.

An enormous pain splits through her chest and she can’t tell what it is—she thinks maybe she’s reminded of every piece of pain Sergei inflicted on her, but part of her thinks her body is just reminding her of the unimaginable pain she felt without Aly.

She doesn’t know why her body chooses this moment to remind her what it was like to feel so alone, to feel like there was not a person in the world that loved her. The sensation is a darkness that creeps up her organs and makes her body feel hallow.

Right now she feels like her legs are stuck in quick sand, but as she holds Sergei’s wrist, hard enough to bruise it, she finds the strength to fight against the darkness, loneliness, and the weakness she feels around him.

“Do not dare.” She says slowly and with so much conviction Sergei can feel the venom rolling off her tongue. She releases his wrist and shoves him back, not saying anything she hears the distant call of Evgeny looking to gather everyone before they’re announced.

Without even letting Sergei concoct a response she turns away and makes her way back to the Russian team inside the waiting area. Ducking under the archway out of the locker room she sees her team stretching and is about to join them when she sees the American team a few feet away, Aly staring at her with the widest eyes possible.

She catches onto Aly’s concerned expression at her emerging from the locker room with Sergei right behind her but Aliya throws her a reassuring smile and a wink that are done within seconds no one but Aly could have possibly caught it.

Aly turns her attention from Aliya to Sergei’s baffled face but within seconds his expression is gone as well and he’s back to his normal cold faced default.

 

—

 

“Wow, we have so much competition for the team all around today! We have some great countries competing but we have our money on America, Russia, and China placing on the podium! We just don’t know which order that will be in.”

The commentators look down on the scene as the stadium announces the countries into the area, the crowd shouting and cheering every time America, Russia or China is mentioned.

“I have to say, I’m so nervous for today because I’m not sure who will come out on top, America was our leader in qualifications but as we always say; gymnastics is unpredictable and anything could happen. Join us as we buckle down and watch the competition unfold here tonight!”

Aliya is too busy trying to comfort Angelina’s nerves she almost misses which apparatus they’re beginning at and can’t help but flick her eyes to the board to see where the Americans are starting as well.

“What if I mess up?” Angelina whimpers into Aliya’s shoulder as she rubs her back, trying to concentrate on the already crying girl next to her.

“You won’t. You will be perfect but if you fall just get back up and remember you are a star.” She kisses the top of Angelina’s head wishing she could offer more words of comfort to the youngest team member but her eyes subconsciously search the arena for Aly.

She finally locks her eyes onto the girl who’s talking with Simone, and even though super powers don’t exist Aliya wishes she had the power to capture Aly’s attention across the expanse of the giant stadium, but she settles for just staring the girl down until she notices.

Four years ago she wouldn’t have been caught dead being so obvious around Aly but she was four years older now, she knew what she wanted and she was stronger than the young teenager who was just relying on the luck of her abilities.

Gymnastics and Aly were her two life passions, and only one of them could last forever and Aliya was pretty sure she knew which one would.

The sound of the crowd’s screams and cheers are completely mute to Aliya after all this time, she can see them and she can hear a faint sound in the back of her head but now she concentrates on Aly’s face, body, and energy to be the noise in her ears.

“She’s staring right at you, grandma.” Simone nudges Aly hard in the ribs then tries to play it off by coughing, making the other girl laugh before she turns and makes eye contact with the Russian across the arena.

Simone can feel something in the air shift and she silently looks between the two girls, trying to decipher their silent conversation.

She feels a tension build and can’t help but feel a bit of the love that pours off Aly’s body in waves. It’s contagious almost, and it makes Simone blink at how strongly Aly is reacting to just a glance from Aliya.

“You two are like eye fucking each other across the room, knock it off before everyone in here feels the fire!” She jabs Aly in her ribs again and watches the girl stumble a bit and splutter, Mihai shooting a confused look in their direction while Simone plays it off with an innocent smile.

“I didn’t think I’d ever see you this happy again.” Simone doesn’t hesitate to shoot a glance in Aliya’s direction before landing back on Aly after the girl regains her balance and turns away from the Russian corner.

“I was so scared, for so long that I would never see…never see _you_ again.”

Aly swallows hard when Simone’s voice cracks and she pulls the younger girl into her, the rest of the team paying no mind assuming it’s pre competition nerves. She holds her tightly, pressing her lips to the top of her perfectly pulled back hair.

“I’m back, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Aw, look at that! Aly Rasiman and Simone Biles hugging and talking with each other before the competition starts, what a cute sight! They are so close it warms my heart.”

“It’s so interesting because Aly is like the mother of team USA and Aliya Mustafina is that of the Russian team. Here’s a clip just a few minutes ago of Mustafina comforting the youngest member of team Russia, Angelina Melnikova. Earlier Raisman and Mustafina were sharing a look of encouragement with each other as well, it was heartwarming to see two competitors getting along so well!”

“I agree. I hope we don’t see the friendliness disappear between the two once the competition starts! We’ll be right back here on NBC at the women’s team all around.”

 

—

 

_ “Hi Lynn, thanks for calling me over, I’ve been trying to reach her but she’s turned her phone off!” The older woman pulls Simone into a hug before ushering her into the house, the girl automatically taking her shoes off by the front door knowing the household too well. _

_“Thank you for coming right over swee tie, she’s been inconsolable for a week since she got back from Sochi, she refuses to go to training, we're starting to get worried...”_

_Lynn speaks softly to Simone as they walk down the hallway of the large house towards the den, the Raisman’s dogs following at their feet as Simone nervously starts to fidget with the ends of her jacket._

_“How was your flight in from Texas?” The light topic of conversation is forced and Simone can feel it but she tries to follow along anyways, seeing how concerned Lynn is, the last thing she wants to do is give her another reason to feel anxious._

_“It was really good thanks! I’m happy to be back training again here for a bit.” Lynn nods at her words absently as they navigate to the opening of the family den. It takes a good minute for Simone to process she’s still in the Raisman’s home because this part of the house looks like a tornado has blown through every inch of its surface._

_Bags of junk food, cartons of take out, and pizza boxes litter the floor much to their dog’s delight as they run past Simone and Lynn’s legs straight to an open bag of chips. The room is pitch dark besides the faint flicker of the giant flat screen in the center._

_ Simone can make out some sort of cartoon playing in the background but she doesn’t think much of it as Lynn and her step around pieces of food and drink bottles to get to the couch, a figure covered by two blankets laying like a dead lump in the middle.  _

_“Aly? Honey? Guess who’s here to see you, it’s Simone! She tells me everyone at the gym is missing you…”_

_Lynn leans over the lumpy figure and starts to gently shake it and Simone expects at any moment for a monster of some sort to spring out of the blankets but then there’s a small mumble and Aly’s head is poking out of her burrow._

_It’s instantaneous, both of them see it, the dark circles and puffiness under her eyes, the tear stained pillows, the messy hair._

_Simone is so busy processing all of this she doesn’t even want to ask when Aly’s last shower was. “She says Mihai and Marta are waiting for you to come into training, you’ve already missed a week sweetie!”_

_Aly's mother is still leaning over her figure, gently rubbing her back and trying to will the girl up into a sitting position but she doesn’t budge, she just stares ahead at Simone._

_“Thanks for coming by Simone, but I'm pretty sure I'm quitting gymnastics.” Lynn gasps and sits on the edge of the couch, shaking her head in Simone’s direction as she tries to clear the shocked expression off her face._

_“She doesn’t mean that, she’s just really down right now, aren’t you honey?” Simone awkwardly stands and watches the scene in front of her, not really knowing how to react but then Lynn is standing and taking the cup next to the couch._

_“I’m going to refill this and get you both some water, maybe you two can talk about this whole break up.” Simone gives hER a reassuring smile as she moves to sit on the couch beside Aly, her mom hurrying out of the room leaving them alone._

_She waits until Lynn is out of ear shot before she reaches a hand over and slaps Aly’s side hard a loud whine escaping her lips before Simone yanks a giant bottle of Grey Goose out of the couch cushions._

_“Are you kidding me, Raisman? What the fuck is going on??” She doesn’t waste anytime in shoving Aly into a sitting position, turning her own body to face her friend’s. She watches as Aly huddles with the blanket over her shoulders like she’s in the freezing cold._

_“I’m just done. I don’t want to do gymnastics anymore, there's nothing there for me.”_

_Simone rolls her eyes and is about to slap Aly again until she stops, her eyes hone in on the shirt Aly is wearing and then it all starts to fall into place for Simone and she can’t believe she hadn’t figured this out a week ago._

_It’s a shirt from the Russian Olympic 2012 uniforms. Simone wasn’t at the Olympics that year but she remembers the shirts for the distinct design; a plain white shirt with a red collar and “RUSSIA” splashed across the front. It was simple yet you couldn’t miss it in a room. The Russian’s were good at being bold subtly._

_That’s all Simone really needed for confirmation. Sure, Aly had never verbally told her about Aliya, even during their time training but everyone knew. They were gymnastic’s worst kept secret; Aly Raisman and Aliya Mustafina._

_Simone didn’t know Jordyn Wieber that well but when Gabby offhandedly mentioned that Aly and Aliya had visited her at UCLA it had taken her a double take to figure out why Aliya Mustafina of Russia would be in Los Angeles with Aly Raisman._

_Gabby had realized her mistake right away but instead of trying to cover it up she just let Simone figure it out for herself._

_After that Simone never really felt like she should bring it up to Aly unless the other girl started the conversation, she was always itching to bring it up because as her and Aly began to get really close she could always feel this small piece of information left out of Aly’s life, Simone began to think that Aly wanted to keep Aliya that way so she didn’t push._

_All she could do was really be there for Aly and right now seemed like it was time for it to come up between them and Simone was sick of waiting for Aly to admit it._

_“Shit, did you guys break up in Sochi?”_

_Aly ignores Simone’s question while she tips back the bottle of vodka and takes a long daunting sip, surprised she still doesn’t taste it at this point. She would consider herself a light weight but she didn’t feel the cold liquid burning her throat, she just didn’t feel anything._

_“What’re you talking ‘bout?” Aly slurs gently as she clutches the vodka like a safety blanket, Simone giving her a reproachful look, contemplating whether to take the vodka away from her or not._

_“Don’t give me that BS. Did you and Aliya break up or not? Because if not why are you on your ass in here drinking your life away? You’re Aly fucking Raisman, get your ass up and get to the gym!”_

_Aly hiccups and wipes her nose on her sleeve before taking another swig from the bottle, but this time Simone shoots out and takes it away from her easily. Aly doesn’t put up a fight she just lets the bottle slip from her fingers and then covers her face with her hands and lets out a small cry._

_“I fucked it up. I can’t get rid of this feeling in my chest, Simone, I feel like I’m dying!”_

_She rams her fist onto her chest, emphasizing her words and hallow feeling that sits inside her._

_Her voice shatters around each word, tears falling freely from her cheeks and onto the blankets below her. Simone notices the shake in Aly’s body and the way her body wracked with sobs is such a heartbreaking sight to see._

_She doesn’t know how to react at first and she kind of regrets acting so harsh a second earlier but Aly slumps back against the couch, staring at the lights of the screen with such a blank expression Simone sees the impact of Aly and Aliya’s love._

_ “What happened?” She whispers more gently as if one more octave in her voice could shatter Aly completely. She makes sure to set the vodka bottle down on the ground carefully, noting the other empty bottles cluttered around the base of the couch.  _

_ She waits, scanning over every inch of Aly’s face to try to gauge any kind of reaction or emotion but she can’t see anything and it’s beginning to scare her. _

_“Aly…?”_

_“I never thought I’d love anyone like her. I didn’t even think that love like that was possible. It scared the absolute shit out of me, wanting to be with someone so completely I was ready to throw away my life, my career, even if it meant just being with her for a couple minutes. I thought I could do it—the distance, I thought ‘fuck the distance, I’m in love nothing can bring me down’.”_

_Simone bites her lip, letting Aly continue while she processes the slurred words coming from her mouth. She hadn’t thought much about the small shared glances between the two gymnasts during London, and she definitely hadn’t thought about how weird it was Aly was always keeping up with the Russian team even post Olympics._

_Yet, here sitting in the Raisman’s den with Aly drowning in a mess of vodka, heartbreak and junk food, her hair a mess and her body producing tears she didn’t even know she had, Simone understands Alexandra Raisman. She understands her way beyond her as an athlete, Simone Biles sees her for the human she is._

_“I also didn’t know it was possible to hurt as much as I do. I didn’t think this shit was humanly possible—“ Aly finally looks at Simone but doesn’t stop,_

_“Sometimes it feels like I’m dead, like I’m not alive. I get scared when I’m alone at night, I feel like I can’t breathe and my lungs constrict and I panic, I lose my shit and all I know is I drink so I don’t have to ever feel anything again. I fucked up because I got scared, I was a coward and ran away from the one thing in my life that I should have been running towards. God, I hope somedays I won’t wake up because I open my eyes and I’m seized with fucking suffocating pain. She’s…the whole universe and I’m just a speck floating in it. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other, but what about the people that fall apart?”_

_She looks away from Simone and refocuses her eyes on the bright TV screen, feeling another sob bubble up in her throat._

_“Sometimes I believe she’s going to show up at my door and forgive me after all I’ve done. She’s going to show up and we’re going to run away and this black hole in my chest is going to slowly close…and we’ll go some place where nobody knows us and we’ll make new friends, start our lives over together, and all that shitty stuff we went through, those years of my life that I wasted without her, will eventually begin to fade and after everything is gone it will just be…her and I.”_

_Aly knows she won’t remember much of this in the morning. That’s probably why she isn’t freaking out Simone knows she’s in love with a girl, not just a girl but Aliya Mustafina of all god damn people._

_She won’t really remember the way she cried into her couch or the way Simone’s jacket smelled like roses when she hugged her. No, she won’t remember much until Simone brings it up 2 years later on an Olympic shuttle in Rio._

_Simone can’t say anything, all she can do is sit there in shock and absorb everything Aly has said. A few moments pass of just the two breathing together in the room, the light sound from whatever is on the TV fills the silent den._

_Then suddenly Simone stands, holding her hand out to Aly, her stance letting the older girl know she wasn’t taking no for an answer._

_“Then let’s get fucking moving, grandma! You’re not going to get Aliya Mustafina back by sitting on your drunk ass.”_

_—_

_You could come and save me and try to chase the crazy right out of my head_


	7. Like Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this wasn't posted earlier in the week as I had promised! The beginning of school has got me a lost busier than I expected. I hope you enjoy this chapter and thank you, so, so much as always for the uplifting and encouraging comments.
> 
> I know the Olympics are over but I hope everyone still has the same love for Aly/Aliya as they did during!  
> I've been considering writing another fic about them or a possible continuation after this is done. Let me know what you think.
> 
> xx

_ Melt into me,  
we go like water _

—

 

They’re falling behind and it isn’t good, their muscles scream and their bodies are on the brink of exhaustion but they push and they push because they are the Russian Federation and not making the podium isn’t going to work.

“With a surprising turn of events Japan has pulled ahead of the Russian Federation, putting the team in fourth place. This is new for the Japanese to pull such a move but there are still two events left for them to pull ahead and we think Aliya Mustafina will get the job done on the uneven bars.”

Aliya looks away from the scoreboard, aggravation filling her body at the minuscule difference between their score and Japan’s. She’s starting to feel the pressure of the all around coming down on her shoulders, the validity of how important this is weighs on her heavily.

She’s been carrying this team since qualifications, no since 2014, and she needs them to start stepping up now or else she’s going to lose it.

Angelina is always on the brink of a meltdown, Seda isn’t landing her marks even though she’s trying, Daria’s mind is somewhere else today and the only other person performing as well in her apparatus as Aliya is Maria.

“Chalk up, we’re moving stations soon!” Evgeny calls to the girls impatiently, everyone’s annoyance becoming transparent as they started towards the last two apparatuses. There was no doubt Russia could pull through at the end but right now bronze wasn’t good enough—if they weren’t standing on the podium with gold or silver there was no point.

No one quite understood that notion of the Russian team. To be third in the world is a huge honor, but their gymnasts are not as used to falling to bronze in the sport, at least not as much as China and Japan are.

It may be some conceited mindset but Aliya didn’t show up and not try her hardest, and that’s what was most frustrating about this right now—no one seemed to be trying as hard as her.

“Seda, chalk.” She hands the smaller girl a block and points for her to sit and chalk up her skin until it’s raw, she then turns to Angelina and gives the girl a firm shake, pushing her along by the small of her back.

“Breathe. Get ready for bars.” Aliya sends Angelina off to gather her things with a small pat on the back before she turns her attention back to the scoreboard, her anger flaring again at the country sitting on top of Russia.

“Fuck.” She mutters to herself, shaking her head she tries to gather her thoughts and take a deep breath.

“Aliya.” She follows the sound of Evgeny’s voice as he nods to the team collecting their things to move to the next station. She gives him an affirming glance, trying to collect her things before she feels someone brush past her and she knows who it is before she sees her.

Aly just grazes her side, not enough for any real contact to even occur as team USA move to their next station.

There’s no hand movement or body movement of any kind but Aly walks just centimeters close enough to whisk past Aliya’s waist.

“You’ll make it to the podium.” It’s whispered so faintly that if Aliya weren’t giving her full attention to the figure walking past her then she wouldn’t have heard it at all, but she does and the feeling of assurance rushes through her like a river but before she can give a subtle nod of thanks Aly is gone with the rest of team USA in their corner.

Aliya takes another deep breath and lets the sound of Aly’s voice center and bring her back to the competition.

“Alka, prepare for bars!” Aliya looks in direction of the voice of Valentina, Evgeny’s assistant, picking up her bar hand wraps she follows the rest of the team as the buzzer goes off announcing the move to the next apparatus.

 _You’re okay. You’re okay._ She keeps trying to remind herself that not placing in the team all around would be devastating but it wouldn’t shatter her. Maybe four years ago it would have, but Aliya believes she has endured the worst of it all. Heartbreak. Not the kind you have when you don’t make the podium, but heartbreak in its purest form.

Nothing can truly hurt her now, she’s already survived something that she was sure was going to kill her. Aliya Mustafina cannot be broken and she certainly won’t let a minuscule lead in points break her team either.

After they arrive at the uneven bars station and put their things down Aliya starts to slowly shut out the conversations around her, she hones in her mind in on the one thing that matters right now: her bar routine.

She’s the queen of the bars, no one could catch up to her and even if they came close they would never be close enough. She blows on her hands, the chalk sprinkling into the air like a million little bugs taking flight from her finger tips.

“We’re on the second to last apparatus, can the Russian Federation reclaim their spot on the podium? We now go to the uneven bars where they are about to take the stage starting with Angelina Melnikova. I hope she can come back from her disappointing qualification scores. And I think I can speak for everyone as well when I say we’re all eager to see what Mustafina will bring next.”

Aliya takes a seat next to Maria, wringing her hands together anxiously as the team holds their breath collectively, Angelina stepping up to the mat as she gives the signal to the start of her routine.

“She can do it. She just does not believe she can.” Maria’s soft voice cuts through the thick tension surrounding the team and Aliya can see what she’s talking about.

Angelina was the youngest member of the team having just come into her senior career, she was more than nervous, she was completely unsure whether she deserved to be here or not.

“We were like her in London, remember? We were so surprised we had been named to the team.” Aliya nods to Maria, instinctively taking her hand in hers nervously as they watch Angelina transition between the bars smoothly, a wave of relief starting to wash over them.

Aliya watches Angelina carefully, squinting as she analyzes each breath the young girl takes, each twist of her wrist and legs.

Then it hits her like a brick wall.

She blinks and suddenly she's back in the London 2012 Olympic arena.

Aliya no longer sees Angelina she sees _herself_. Aliya Mustafina, aged 17, flying between the bars like an angel gliding through the air _._ Everything about this routine is so familiar and it stares Aliya down in the face.

She’s like a ghost as she stands directly next to the apparatus platform, fixated on watching the teenage Mustafina go through her routine. All she can do is stare at the young girl.

The red, white, and blue leotard is a blur as she moves and twists her body quickly. Her ponytail is pulled back perfectly, with not a stray hair in sight. The hooded lids of the younger girl show off the flawless smokey eye and her face is fixed in concentration.

This 17 year old before her didn’t know there was another girl in the room that loved her. Another girl that loved her so much she would wait another four years to be with her. 17 year old Aliya didn’t know if anyone loved her.

This younger Aliya had spent her days off crying in her room at the Lake because she was afraid she would never experience anything other than loneliness. She was used to being alone, she was used to be the one to take care of people instead of anyone ever taking care of her. 

 _“Isn’t it so weird, that there’s someone out there that is going to love you so much, and you don’t even know it yet?”_ Masha would say this all the time and Aliya never quite understood it until now.

She looks towards the stands of the arena and picks Aly’s face out of the crowd instantly. 18 year old Aly Raisman is watching Aliya with just as much fixation. Aly loved her, she had loved her so much.

Aliya doesn’t know what kind of suspended reality she’s in right now but the world slows down and she turns her attention back to her younger self as she tucks in and flies into the dismount that no other gymnast had done before but her; the Mustafina.

A double back salto tucked with a one and a half turn. She sticks it perfectly.

The crowd erupts and Aliya blinks back to the present, Angelina flies off the bars and sticks her landing, a giant smile erupting over her face as the crowd cheers while she throws her arms up in the ending pose, Evgeny clapping and wrapping the young girl in a giant hug when she steps off the mat.

When she stands with Maria and claps loudly, Angelina looks directly at her for some sort of approval. She gives the nervous girl a thumbs up and a small nod, mouthing “Good”. Angelina was the future of Russian gymnastics. She had a lot of growing to do before Tokyo, she had four years of experience to learn.

Aliya looks down and realizes her and Maria are still gripping each other’s hands, a comforting feeling at the familiarity is helpful as she prepares for her bar routine mentally.

Aliya was always hugging and kissing other team members, it’s just second nature to her, and with Maria it’s complete instinct to them. After all this time growing, training, and learning together they were each other’s center during these moments.

They were the best Russian gymnasts the team had at the moment, followed closely by Daria, and there had always been this unspeakable bond of kinship between the two.

She’s more thankful for Maria’s presence in her life than she ever has been before.

She places a grateful kiss on Maria’s cheek before she steps up onto the platform and walks towards the mat. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

As she prepares to step up to the bars she knows like the back of her hand, she remembers the words of advice Maria had offered her in the midst of her heartbreak, and the loyalty she had showed her even in her darkest hour.

Finally, she remembers the gentle feel of Aly’s hand on her back from moments ago, and with all that stabling her mind she leaps forward and grips the bar.

 

—

 

_ “Shit!” Aliya’s hands slip from the bar and she finds herself falling for the fifth time that day, the firm surface of the mat meeting her body as she hits it with bruising force. She curses again and pushes herself onto shaky legs.  _

_ Her hands feel raw from gripping the bars, she can feel one of her palms bleeding, she’s panting hard and she can’t think straight. _

_“Alka?” Valentina is looking at her with concern and she quickly brushes it off and shakes her head. Five times. She had fallen five times in the last hour._

_Her transitions were messy and she was lucky if she could even hold a handstand today. She puts her hands on her hips, stepping back up to the mat before Valentina shakes her head._

_“Take walk, clear your head. Then come back and do it again.” She opens her mouth to protest but Valentina cuts her off by walking away to find Daria to practice her routine. Aliya lets out a frustrated groan and feels like punching something._

_Everyone is staring at her and it’s starting to make her feel even more agitated than she already is. She all but rips her wrist wraps off and throws them down, yanking her jacket off a nearby bench she pushes out of the gym and down to the small sitting area by the lake._

_She digs her heels into the grass and takes a seat, unzipping the inside of her jacket she pulls out Aly’s letter, the paper crumpled and a little torn from sitting inside Aliya’s jacket all the time._

_She never went anywhere without it—and maybe it was some fucked up masochistic thing she had to keep around but she couldn’t get rid of it, even when she should have._

_She scans over the letters, reading the opening sentence to herself, a motion she does everyday for some painful reason;_

**_“Aliya, I don’t know…“_ **

_She stops and grips the letter before she pulls it to her chest, a sharp gasp escaping her chest. She can hear Aly’s voice in her head and it’s edging away at the small shred of sanity she has left._

_Aly took a lot more than Aliya’s heart when she left Sochi, she took her entire sanity, her will to breathe, and her emotions. She had taken those things from Aliya so easily that it didn’t quite register with her that they were gone sometimes._

_Those parts of Aliya were taken back to America with Aly, in the palm of her hand as she crushed them._

_“Alka?” Aliya shifts her body to look up at Maria standing beside her. She quickly shoves the letter back into her jacket and tears her eyes away from the girl, crossing her arms as she feels the paper crumble into her chest._

_“What do you want, Masha?”_

_“You fell off the bars five times. You do not fall for no reason. Talk to me.” Before she can get up and move away Maria is sitting down next to her, their legs touch as she wraps an arm around her shoulders and Aliya has to stop herself from flinching away from the motion._

_Not because she didn’t want to be comforted by Maria but because she didn’t know if she ever wanted to feel anything again._

_“I don’t want to talk.” Aliya looks out towards the lake, watching every shimmer and ripple in the water, praying her mind rids of Aly’s voice before she cries again._

_“Okay. Then I will talk.” Maria stays put, glancing in Aliya’s direction before also focusing her gaze out onto the lake. “I saw it. I saw it the moment we got to London. You had been alone for so long, everyone could see it…you carry the world on your shoulders, Alka.”_

_Maria pauses, looking at Aliya again to make sure she’s listening and she notices the girl’s eyes are closed and the light autumn breeze whisks through her hair._

_“It did not make sense to me at first. I did not understand how you could love a girl. But I see it. I really see what Raisman sees in you.”_

_Aliya shakes her head at the mention of Aly’s name. She can’t do this right now, or ever, but right now she can’t let the pain she’s stuffed away come back. She won’t open those doors and let them flood her body._

_“Masha, I can’t—“_

_She starts but Maria cuts her off again, squeezing her shoulder as a lump starts to form in her throat. She thought she had no more tears left to cry, her body was done._

_“I hear you crying at night. I see the pain destroying you. You’re broken, Aliya, please let me help you before you fade.”_

_Something inside Aliya snaps and she lashes out angrily, tearing her shoulder out of Maria’s hand. “You don’t understand, you could never understand! I—I can’t think about her without dying, I can’t wake up every day and face what I am anymore.”_

_Maria bites her lip in sympathy, not offended by the abrupt way Aliya reacts. She’s known the girl since they were six years old, this is what Aliya does._

_She has emotions but she won’t let you see her, she’ll bite your head off for trying to get her to be emotional but Maria has delicately figured out how to approach her._

_“She took it. She took everything that I am when she left—I no longer am Aliya Mustafina, I don’t know who I am anymore.”_

_Aliya lets a choked sob before she covers her mouth with her hand and curls her head into her knees, her body shaking._

_Maria sighs and lays her forehead on Aliya’s shoulder blade, inhaling. She wants to cry too seeing Aliya so utterly shattered shakes her entire world. The once composed and head strong girl is an image of despair and it’s absolutely catastrophic to Maria._

_It not only shocks her but it terrifies her to see someone so mighty fall so hard and in such a beautiful breakdown. “I’ve got you.” Maria whispers the words to her softly, squeezing her tightly as she inhales deeply._

_Maria will never tell Aliya that she’s read Aly’s letter. Even now, when she wants to let her friend know she felt Aly’s heartbreak through her written words, she can’t._

_It hadn’t been to be sneaky or malicious in anyway at all, it had been out of curiosity and concern for her best friend._

_Aliya had come back from Sochi in such a wreck no one had had time to process or ask any questions, she had thrown herself into training and everyone had kind of backed off in fear, even Vika._

_Maria and Aliya were roommates at the Lake, and although Aliya had tried to be subtle, the crumpled piece of paper she carried around with her everywhere did not go unnoticed by Maria._

_Aliya’s English may be the best out of the Russian gymnasts but Maria in her own time had learned some of the language, unbeknownst to anyone else._

_It was in a rare moment when Aliya wasn’t wearing her team jacket, instead she was in the shower and Maria had seen the letter poking out of the inside pocket. She had used a translating app for most of it but some words she could read without much of a hassle._

_Maybe the coaches really only paid attention to Aliya, Vika, and Ksenia most of the time even though Maria was their best vaulter she still somehow went under the radar._

_She kind of liked it that way, she got to mind her own business without people really noticing. She was like a fly on the wall and she had done a lot more observing than most people were aware of._

_Even though Maria had no attachment to Aly other than through Aliya, reading her words had created this pit of hurt in Maria’s stomach that she didn’t even know could exist. She felt for Aliya but at the same time she also felt for Aly._

_She couldn’t imagine ever having to write something so crippling, especially to someone she loved. Maria turns her attention back to Aliya and watches her back arch and fall with the sound of her heavy breathing._

_Maria wonders if Aliya will ever come out of this, maybe she will meet someone else and try to convince herself she loves them but Maria just knows she will never be able to love anyone but Aly._

_ She also knows Aly loves Aliya—or else she wouldn’t have written that letter. Aliya may not see it that way but Maria sees Aly’s real emotions for what they were. She was trying to do something and although the outcome wasn't the right thing Aly had still tried to save them when there was time left, and Maria sees that._

_But still, Aliya had to do one of the hardest things imaginable; she had to give Aly up. _

_ Maria tightens her grip around Aliya and holds her closer, unwilling to let her best friend go through this alone. No matter how many times Aliya tried to push her away she wasn’t going to budge. She could stay here forever holding Aliya even if it meant taking away only a fracture of the hurt she was suffering through. _

_ For Aliya, Maria could do anything.  _

_“Do you ever feel like there is not a person in the world that loves you?”_

_The sentence makes Maria’s heart crack a little but she answers with a shake of her head and drops a small kiss to Aliya’s head._

_“Aly loves you,” the words slip out kind of mistakenly and she feels Aliya stiffen beneath her but she holds her ground, expecting Aliya to say something rude and biting but none of that comes._

_“Why did she do this to me?”_

_Maria shrugs her shoulders and finds herself at a loss for words but she tries to find her footing because Aliya needs reassurance that she’s still very much the center of Aly’s universe despite the crack in their solar system._

_All she wants is complete happiness for her friend. She could never ask for anything more because Aliya was her family._

_She didn’t have much real family outside of the gym, she had her team and that was enough for Maria Paseka. She’s not really good at advice, ironically that’s Aliya’s forte, but Maria tries to be the anchor her friend needs right now. It’s her turn to keep Aliya alive._

_She doesn’t know what’s going to happen when Aliya sees Aly next, and she doesn’t know when that moment will be but she does know that Aliya has the capacity to love Aly again—she will always have the capacity to do that, so she says what she’s really thinking and she knows Aliya will understand;_

_“I do not know. But it is not about what Raisman has done anymore, it is about forgiveness.”_

 

—

 

Aliya’s feet hit the mat beneath her and she throws her arm up in the ending pose, a grin splitting across her face at her nearly perfect bar routine. The crowd applause her while she steps off the mat and hugs Evgeny tightly. 

The anxiety over her score starts to set in and she concentrates on wiping the chalk off her legs to distract herself. 

Maria greets her instantly after she steps into their corner and wraps her in a huge hug. “Amazing.” She says and gives her an encouraging kiss on the cheek. Aliya smiles in return and holds her hand in anticipation of her score being announced.

She simultaneously scans to the American corner to see Aly looking between her and the scoreboard in anxiety. Her hands are clasped under her chin and she’s chewing her lip in anxiety, and it’s all for Aliya.

Aly had watched Aliya’s routine with baited breath and had ignored everyone else around her when she should have been focusing on her upcoming floor routine.

When Aly watches Aliya do the bars it’s like she’s falling in love with the girl all over again and she can’t comprehend the feelings of admiration and love that grip her in those moments.

“Holy cow, Mustafina’s routine has just been given a score of 15.933!! That pulls Russia to second place behind America! That was a groundbreaking bars performance that pulls Russia not only above Japan but above China now pushing them to third!”

Aliya’s eyes tear away from the board as screams of pride erupt around her and Evgeny picks her up and swings her around.

She lets out a breathless laugh and hangs onto the man with affection as pride swells in her chest so much she thinks it might burst. Aliya had secured a place on the podium for Russia.

She catches the proud beam Aly sends her way and it makes her body soar completely above any feeling of pride she had ever felt before. She thinks maybe she could do the bars forever if it meant getting the same prideful smile from Aly every time.

The rest of the routines go off with little to no mistakes. Russia doesn’t compete as well on the floor routines as the Americans but they still compile good scores that secure them the silver.

When the final scores are released and Russia is in second without a huge gap in points between them and the Americans, Aliya feels like silver is just as good as gold right now.

Aly has a gold, she has a silver. She couldn’t ask for anything more right now. There is a little feel of disappointment from the coaches for not clinching the gold but everyone knew at this point with Simone’s routine that was out of their reach.

It is especially well deserved and Aliya thinks that’s what makes her the most proud.

They put their blood, sweat, and tears into the all around and after a terrifying drop in points to Japan, Russia was able to pull themselves back up to where they belonged; right next to America on the podium.

Aliya smiles and thanks the Olympic officials who hand her the silver medal and small Rio 2016 trophy. She beams down at the medal with pride and nudges shoulders eagerly with the rest of her teammates.

She grins and holds the silver between her hands, letting the cold metal rest between her palms, she can’t control her rapid heartbeat as the Russian team is announced and they wave to the crowd, standing in their perfect formation on the podium.

“Please rise, for the national anthem of the United States of America.”

Everyone turns their bodies to the raising of the flags and usually at this point Aliya’s annoyance at the American anthem playing rather than the Russian anthem would consume her thoughts for those short minutes during the song, but this time she smiles with pride at Aly holding her gold medal and placing her hand over her heart.

Maybe she could get used to hearing this national anthem, she would have to eventually if she moved to America wouldn’t she?

 

—

 

It’s a little after one in the morning when they finish the final rounds of post competition press and Valentina is trying to usher them all back to the village to sleep but everyone’s adrenaline is turned up to an 100 and it’s pretty useless trying to calm down a group of young women who had just won silver medals. 

Aliya is standing with the girls when Daria mentions Shang Chungsong told her about a small gathering they were thinking about having between Russia, China and America to celebrate the all around wins.

Her body is exhausted and she thinks if she takes another step she’ll fall on her face but she agrees none the less and soon finds herself in one of the small common areas of the Olympic village.

No alcohol is present as it was prohibited by the coaches but a few sodas and snacks are scattered around the table but everyone is mainly concentrating on talking with one another and figuring out the language barriers.

Aliya’s midway through pulling out of a hug with Madison Kocian when Aly approaches them, a wide smile on her face.

“Congratulations on coming back to take the silver, you guys really deserve it.” It’s only been a couple of hours since Aliya has heard Aly’s voice but after being without it for that long the sound of it is the sweetest thing Aliya has ever heard.

She has to stop herself right there from kissing the girl in front of everyone.

“Thank you. America did very good as usual.” Aliya smiles as Simone sidles up next to Aly and the two exchange hugs, Aly’s eyes remaining on Aliya the entire time. Aliya feels Maria next to her and touches her arm, motioning to Simone.

“Maria has not formally met Simone.” Maria grins widely and holds out her hand but before she can shake Simone’s she feels herself pulled into the tightest hug of her life. She laughs in surprise and hugs the other girl back before the two pull away, Simone shakes her head and takes Maria’s still outstretched hand.

The Russian girl giggles in surprise as they shake hands, Aly looking weirdly at Simone as their hands keep going up and down, neither of them ceasing the movement.

“Sorry! I just don’t care for being so formal!” Maria laughs again and continues to shake Simone’s hand, both of them unaware of how long they’ve been gripping each other’s hands before Aly clears her throat and gives Simone another funny look.

“Shit! Sorry again, you’re just a really great vaulter and I admire you!” Simone pulls her hand away and Maria giggles at her with a cute shrug. Aliya gives Maria a confused face before Aly nods to her.

"No- you are amazing on vault. Far more talented than me." Maria smiles and tries to make her English sound decent, having never really tried forming a sentence out loud, Simone beams widely at her effort.

“Aliya and I are going to go get some more drinks, you two can talk more about vaulting…or something.” Aly gives one last look to Simone before she grips Aliya’s bicep and pulls them out of the gathering room and down the hall.

Simone turns back to Maria after the other two leave and flashes another one of her giant smiles. The taller Russian smiles back at the other girl with a hint of curiosity and intrigue before Simone pulls a red packet out of her jacket pocket.

“Have you ever tried skittles?”

 

—

 

Aly’s gold medal is still hanging from her neck and Aliya finds it adorable how giddy the American looks at the glimmer of the object.

“Gold looks good on you.” Aliya mutters gently with a small smile that makes Aly blush and look down at the piece of metal hanging around her neck proudly. “I guess it does, huh?” She looks at the silver around Aliya’s and reaches out to examine it as they pause in the middle of the hallway.

"I can't express how proud I am of your bar routine today...you blew everyone out of the water- in my opinion you were even better than Madison." Aly can't stop gushing but she needs Aliya to feel the pride Aly feels for her. Opposing teams or not, Aly will always be Aliya's number one fan- everyone else would have to take second place to her in that role. 

“Silver looks good on you too, almost as good as gold does.” Aly smirks and leans in to kiss her, Aliya moving back slightly as she looks around the hallway with wild eyes. They were in public, anyone could see them but Aly didn’t seem to care as she leans in closer, their lips centimeters from each other.

“Aly…” Aliya swallows and feels the tension create a thickness in the air and even she can’t deny that right now she wants to do nothing more than kiss Aly until her lips fall off but her paranoia wins over her lust and she turns her head to the side.

“My room.” It’s said more like a command than anything else and Aly doesn’t mind if it’s read that way. She tugs Aliya by the hand down the hallway towards her door, even if they had so much to still talk about and work around, she at least wants them to have tonight together.

After they get into Aly’s room and the door is shut and locked, Aly turns to Aliya and cups her cheeks in her hands but before she can kiss her she asks the question that has been giving her anxiety the entire day;

“Did Sergei hurt you today? I saw you coming out of the locker room with him and he looked so angry—“ Aly pauses and lets her eyes roam over Aliya’s body in search of any new bruises and she isn’t quite sure how she’ll react if she sees even the faintest sign of something on Aliya.

Her fists are suddenly clenching but Aliya raises her arms and runs them up and down her biceps soothingly.

“He did nothing. I stood up to him—because you give me strength.” Aliya smiles proudly at the girl in front of her, bumping her forehead into Aly’s as the other girl visibly relaxes and starts to smile with her. “Do you think he’ll back off now?”

Aliya hadn’t really thought about that although she should have. She was still on the high from standing up to him after so long she didn’t stop to think about the repercussions he could possibly take.

“I hope so.” Aliya says with little confidence it worries Aly but she doesn’t want to think about Sergei right now, or the all around, or anything else.

All she wants to think about right now is the feeling of Aly’s body against hers so she closes the gap between their lips and presses them together tightly, Aly’s hands instantly fly to her waist and tug her closer as she works at the draw string of her track pants.

Aly wastes no time in yanking Aliya’s pants off and shoving her onto the bed before she drapes her own body over her, their kiss never breaking. Aliya’s hands roam over the sharp dip of Aly’s toned back and she lets out a loud moan at the feeling of her bare skin finally on hers.

Neither of them had truly registered how long it had been without the physical touch of each other and it was like a flood of water after a long drought; literally.

Aly could bask in the scent of Aliya forever, she feels selfish but she has the right to be selfish, she touches, bites, sucks and kisses every inch of skin she sees, intoxicated on the drug of Aliya Mustafina.

“She half leans off the bed and picks up the gold, Aliya giving her a curious look before she runs the cold object down Aliya’s chest, the mixture of burning skin and cold metal making her gasp and squirm. “Aly…”

Aly smirks in satisfaction once more and reclaims her spot between Aliya’s legs, slamming their centers back together as she continues to run the medal up and down Aliya’s ribs and chest, circling her breasts and jawline.

“Nothing has ever looked so fucking sexy than gold running over your naked skin…”

Aliya watches her with hooded lids, the trail of ice that Aly creates with the medal burns Aliya’s skin in the best way and she has to bite her lip to stop herself from letting out a string of curses in her ecstasy. She doesn’t believe that something so simple like touching a metal to her skin can turn her from 100 to 200.

Perhaps it’s the fact that it is Aly’s medal making its way along her skin that turns her on even more, or the fact that Aly is reclaiming Aliya’s body in the most erotic way possible.

She feels Aly cupping her jaw before she beckons her head forward slightly and then the soft fabric of the ribbon holding the medal slips around her neck.

She snaps her eyes to Aly who is eyeing her with the hungriest look she’s ever seen. “I want you to wear it while I make love to you.” Aly can’t explain right now why the sight of her medal around Aliya’s next is an act of claiming the girl but it’s somewhere along the same lines of giving Aliya something like a varsity jacket.

Later after the games Aly made a note of how she was going to make Aliya wear her USA jacket everywhere—she didn’t care if the girl protested she wanted the world to know that Aliya Mustafina belonged to her.

She kisses her way down a toned torso, making sure to leave small tender kisses to the healing bruises on Aliya’s skin, her nails raking over her inner thighs sends a shiver across Aliya’s body and she arches up before Aly pins her hips down.

The rest of the night when Aliya isn’t staring at the beautiful curves of Aly’s face and chest, or how her shoulder blades tense when her head is between Aliya’s legs, she’ll be staring at the gold medal around her neck and how it feels like it belongs there—not because she deserved the gold herself but because it was Aly’s.

—

 _All I need, all I need_  
_you’re all I need_


	8. Sky Full Of Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone I'm so sorry for the delay in posting I've been dealing with some health issues and on top of that my school work has been a lot. I made this chapter a little longer to make it up for posting kinda late.
> 
> The fic is starting to discuss more serious topics that deal with mental illnesses (depression, anxiety etc.) and other things. While I want this to be happy and upbeat for the most part I also want it to touch on these issues that are often pushed aside.
> 
> I have also decided to do a sequel once this is finished (and it's far from finished) but I wanted to thank everyone for their input on it.
> 
> I love you all so, so much and I hope you enjoy part 8!
> 
> xx

_I don't care, go on and tear me apart,_  
_I don't care if you do_

—

 

The small streak of moonlight that filters in through the slit in the curtain illuminates the small bedroom and crawls up the length of Aliya and Aly’s legs that are tangled together on the bed.

It’s way past three in the morning and the two of them expect the sun to be rising soon—but they remain blissfully unaware of their exhaustion or surroundings. Nothing could take this moment away from them.

Aliya’s head is resting in the curve of Aly’s neck, her breath tickling the inside of Aly’s throat as their skin sticks and fits together like perfect puzzle pieces. They hadn’t spoken words for a about an hour now, both of them just preferring to bask in each other’s presence.

She’s deep in thought, so deep in thought she doesn’t really register the feeling of Aly’s fingertips running through her hair anymore, she just lets her mind wander from thought to thought, jumping from one topic to another.

Soft lips that press against Aliya temple bring her away from her haze for a millisecond and she turns her face up to Aly with a thoughtful glance.

Aly hasn’t felt this happy in a long time—and she can’t fully comprehend how so fulfilling and whole she would feel after being with Aliya for so long. She didn’t think her body or mind would have this much of a strong physical reaction but each time she’s around the Russian she’s surprised with the capacity her heart has.

Her love for Aliya just grows, and grows. It never stopped. When she thinks her heart has no more room to love Aliya without it bursting it surprises her and somehow makes more room. It had just been a little after two in the morning when they had stopped having sex completely and that’s when the guilt had started to settle in.

She was becoming afraid that every time she saw Aliya she wouldn’t be able to push away the unbelievable pit of guilt that remained in her stomach.

It grips onto her heart when she leasts expects it to and she thinks maybe over time it will go away but every time Aliya all but smiles, looks, or glances her way she feels it and she knows Aliya can see it in her eyes.

And she can see it now. Pooling in Aly’s chocolate orbs she can see it and it hurts Aliya to know how guilty she feels when she herself has her own guilt complex.

“I’m sorry, Aly.”

Aly blanches and pulls her face back in surprise, not quite sure she just heard what Aliya said correctly. She pauses the hand that is running through Aliya’s hair and focuses on her face to make sure she heard her right.

“What are you saying sorry for?”

Aliya sits up and wrings her hands together nervously, the gesture makes Aly nervous but she sits up with her also, keeping Aliya’s knees legs draped over her knees. She needs the contact right now and she’s hoping Aliya won’t feel the need to go back to her room tonight.

“I’m sorry I did not try to contact you. I changed my number—Sergei made me. He would monitor my laptop too.”

Aliya looks down at their bodies touching and lets out a long sigh. “I could have tried. When you told me I had killed us, it destroyed me. I-I thought I was such a horrible person, I wanted you to be happy, so I stayed away.”

She struggles with the English but she’s getting better everyday and her effort doesn’t go unnoticed by Aly who nods her head. “I couldn’t bring myself to pick up my phone for months.”

Aly presses her lips to Aliya’s shoulder automatically and leaves lingering kisses along her shoulder blades. “I’m sorry I didn’t call, I am a coward.” Aliya shakes her head viciously.

“I was the coward…I hoped you would come to Russia for me—I waited two years, and it was foolish of me. I was stupid, a coward, a bitch—”

Aly’s breath catches and she frowns, shaking her head she takes hold of Aliya’s jaw to slow her down. Hearing Aliya talk down about herself makes something flare inside of Aly and she knows she has to stop it.

“You are none of those things, don’t ever call yourself that, okay? You’re amazing, beautiful, so intelligent, and you did what you could. I hurt you, I don’t blame you for not calling and I’m the one that didn’t show up.”

Aly’s throat squeezes and her chest constricts a bit because Aliya had been waiting. She had waited for Aly to rescue her when Aly in her own selfishness had some messed up hope that Aliya would be the one to come to her.

“I should be the one saying sorry…God, Aliya. I didn’t come for you when I should have realized it’s nearly impossible for you to get to America. I was stuck in this stupid fantasy that you were going to come to me…” Aly trails off, her hands falling from Aliya’s jaw.

_Aliya had waited two years for her._

Aliya’s suffering could have ended two years ago if Aly had just gotten her fucking ass over to Russia instead of wallowing in her misery in Boston.

It wouldn’t have been easy by any means but it would have been lightyears ahead of whatever Aliya could have done to get to America. She should have gotten on the next flight out of Boston the moment Simone had showed up at her door.

_“Sometimes I believe she’s going to show up at my door and forgive me after all I’ve done. She’s going to show up and we’re going to run away.”_

Fuck. Aly’s hands shake but she pulls Aliya close to her chest and lets her heart the rapid heartbeat under her ear. “I’m just realizing how selfish I was thinking you would be the one to show up at my door, I’m so, so sorry, Aliya.”

Aliya lifts her head from her heart and leans in to give her cheek a gentle kiss. Aly sighs when her lips make contact with her skin and she’s kind of positive she could melt from these small gestures.

“We were both waiting…”

Aly lifts an eyebrow and turns her head just enough to catch Aliya’s lips against hers in a gentle graze. The last few days have been an emotional rollercoaster for the both of them and they should be exhausted and done with nothing left by this point but they both have the capacity to bear themselves completely to each other and that alone is an unbreakable act of love.

“You are…my entire world, Aliya. After four years my love only continues to grow and grow for you every single minute of every single day, it consumes me but not like before, this time it’s different it’s better. I’m not afraid of anything now. I’ll follow you anywhere, I should have two years ago.”

Aliya blinks and feels a tear slip down her cheek and onto the mattress below them. She smiles suddenly and lifts Aly’s hands to her lips. Her heart soars, it soars so high it’s above the clouds of Rio right now. She whispers against the flesh of Aly’s fingers, hiding herself behind them as she blushes in happiness.

“My home is wherever you are.”

 

—

 

It’s around eight in the morning when Aliya makes it back to her room, her joints ache in all the best ways and her body sags a little in exhaustion but she figures it’s all worth it because Aly was involved. 

The sun is shining over the beautiful landscape of Brazil and the Olympic village is just beginning to stir awake for the events to come that day. 

She gives a small smile to two Japanese male gymnasts coming out of their room before she digs around in her jacket pocket for her key. It takes her a couple minutes of fiddling and she thinks today everything might be a little slow for her because she's caught up in the daze that Aly always puts her in.

She used to not be able to get anything done after talking or being with Aly but now she welcomes the daze that Aly puts her in, she would perpetually live in it if she could. She can kind of understand now what Aly means when she says Aliya is like a drug because she’s beginning to think Aly is pretty much the same.

She doesn’t realize she’s smiling like a maniac and anyone else who might stumble on her this morning would be a little jarred at seeing _the_ Aliya Mustafina without her cold conduct and resting bitch face. 

Aliya thinks she’ll sleep for a couple hours, wake up and eat something then maybe take a walk around Rio. She would have loved to stay in bed with Aly all day but the other girl already had plans to do some exploring with Gabby and Laurie. It was a near perfect day off in her mind.

She has her key card halfway into her door when she sees Maria practically skipping down the hallway towards her room right across from Aliya’s. She raises an eyebrow and watches as a series of small, rainbow colored, pebble like objects fall out of Maria’s pockets as she grins at the sight of Aliya.

“Alka! Good morning!” Upon closer inspection Aliya sees the wide pupils Maria is sporting and the adrenaline that is rolling off her in waves. She raises an eyebrow and gives Maria a curious expression.

“What are those pebble things? Why do you have them pouring out of your pockets?”

Maria blinks twice then stares down at the Skittles falling out of her pockets and lets out a loud laugh that probably could wake up the entire hallway. “These are Skittles! Simone showed me them, they are fruity and small!”

She holds out a green colored candy and forces it into Aliya’s hand before popping another large handful into her mouth. Aliya recognizes the candy in her palm, Aly having made her try them a few times. All she remembers is the sickly sweet taste and how it made her teeth hurt.

“Masha, how many of these have you had?”

The vaulter gives a small shrug of her shoulders followed by another loud laugh as she pushes the door to her own room open. “I had three packs with Simone! We “pulled an all nighter” as the Americans call it!”

Aliya’s perfectly sculpted eyebrows raise even higher as Maria pushes into her room, Aliya suddenly feeling the urge to talk to her friend. Simone Biles? All night? What? Skittles?

“What do you mean?”

Aliya reaches out to tug Maria back into the hallway but the other girl is already shutting the door in her face, another laugh escaping her lips as she leaves a trail of the rainbow colored candy behind her.

 

—

 

Aliya has never been more grateful for two days off before the individual all around—more time with Aly and more time to rest her aching knee. The unfavorable joint of Aliya’s had been flaring up during the last few days in competition and it’s starting to worry her. After countless surgeries and rehabilitation she still worries constantly about it.

No one but Aly truly understood the amount of psychological trauma that had come with Aliya’s injury. Any ACL tear was devastating to an athlete but in Aliya’s case her determination for the sport had overpowered her body’s cry for help.

In those few seconds after her vault landing when she tried to pressure her body to stay upright she had only made it ten times worse.

Sometimes when she closed her eyes and the memories started to come back, the pain from the tear in her leg rips through her like a bullet. She would never forget the unbearable sting of not being able to stand on her own two feet, not just physical pain but mental too.

It had been psychically impossible but she still fought it and as a result had only injured herself more.

Anyone who’s familiar to gymnastics knows the exact moment to date. Aly wasn’t even really supposed to go to Berlin to see the competition but it was an opportunity for a mini vacation, probably the last opportunity she had before everything went into overdrive for London, so of course she took the opportunity to go scope the competition.

America didn’t compete in the European Championships for obvious reasons but Marta still thought it would be a good idea for Aly, Jordyn and Gabby to go.

Aly and Aliya may have only really started speaking in London but Aly could make the argument they’ve known each other almost their entire lives. They were in the same age group so it was just a given that they would see each other in the junior competitions and then later as they advanced into their senior careers.

Aly could also argue that she’s loved Aliya since the day she laid eyes on her, years before the London Olympics. She didn’t know the reason for it then but she would always be keeping an eye out for the Russian in this unexplainable way.

Aliya had been completely unaware of her audience that day in Berlin, but just as much as the excruciating pain from her accident was seared into her brain, the moment was melded into Aly’s as well.

Aly remembers it a little too well.

A beautiful blue leotard flying through the air before the body in it lands near perfectly before the illusion is shattered and the girl is collapsing onto the matted floor as her reign over elite gymnastics comes crashing down.

The 2011 European Championships individual all around. Aliya had been the contender to take the gold and nothing was standing in her way. All she had to do was wipe the floor clean with this vault and she was only two more events away from clinching the gold from Romania.

Yet, it had taken all of 60 seconds for her life to completely unravel. A speedy run, a flip into the air and a landing that felt like she had vaulted into a thousand daggers. 

“Fuck.” Her eyelids flutter under the steady stream from the shower while her mind brings her back to the moment and she has to shake her head to ward off the memories running through her head.

Aliya didn’t quite believe or see it to its full extent, and probably didn’t want to see it, but the trauma that her injury had given her still left some residual PTSD in her. Aly could see it at times like when Aliya would hit her knee on the end of a table or something would touch the skin with little pressure she couldn’t control her flinch or shaky reaction.

And even now while standing in the shower Aliya feels a ghost pain and her hands fly instantly to her the small barely visible scar on her knee. She tenderly frames the kneecap between her fingers and bites her lip nervously.

Vaulting to this day was Aliya’s least favorite event, in fact she had hoped she wouldn’t have to even really compete on the apparatus ever again, but since Seda’s nor Angelina’s scores were high enough to put them in the top three Aliya was left to compete.

Just stepping up to the start line made her heart beat erratically and she feels like she can’t swallow. But the weird thing is she’s good at it, she’s only gotten better at it and she doesn’t know how the hell she has because she’s avoided the vault like the plague ever since finishing physical therapy.

Aly had definitely tried to address the situation but it wasn’t a light topic and mainly caused upset for Aliya, something that worried Aly even further.

_“Have you thought about trying to talk to someone, Aliya, like a therapist?”_

_“Therapist? What is that?”_

But as she stares down now at the scar that crawls up her knee, that only she can really see, she starts to feel that nervous itch she works so hard to stamp down. The feeling of anxiety starts at the base of her neck and slithers its way up and it makes her jaw clench.

She doesn’t realized how tightly she’s balled her fists until she looks down at her knuckles turning white.

“No.” She whispers to herself firmly, stamping down the urge to succumb to her anxiety, but she’s stronger than she was yesterday and she’ll continue to get stronger every day. Aliya won’t let that darkness come back into her life.

She reaches out and steadies herself on the wall of the shower and closes her eyes to listen to the steady beat of the droplets against her skin. She isn’t going to let them win, she won’t let herself fall into the same dark pattern she fought so hard to come out of.

_Just think about Aly. This will all be over soon and in the end you’ll be with her._

Just think about Aly. 

 

—

 

_ “Do you ever think about marriage?” _

_The words are spoken so casually Aliya almost misses it but she doesn’t and she turns her head to look up at Aly who is staring at her with the most adorable and curious look ever. Aliya sets the book she was looking at down and sits up to fully give Aly her attention._

_“Marriage?”_

_Aly smiles shyly and bites her lip kind of realizing her question is a little forward but she doesn’t really care. She’s wanted to ask Aliya for a while and even though they were just nineteen and twenty respectively it’s still something Aly thinks about constantly, so much even she finds herself scouring the internet for wedding ideas._

_She’s got it bad—and it makes her the butt of so many of Gabby’s jokes about her relationship. People tell her she’s moving too fast, there are other fish in the sea etc. all that bullshit, but she just knows._

_There was no doubt in Aly’s mind that Aliya was the one and she was lucky she had found the person she wanted to be with forever so early on in her life. When it came to Aliya she would always dive in head first._

_ So on this sunny perfect day in Malibu while they’re laying out on the deck of their rented villa, sprawled out on a deck chair, Aliya’s head resting on Aly’s stomach as the two read in blissful silence, Aly asks the one question that she needs to know the answer to. _

_Although right now Aliya’s silence in response is making her start to panic a bit so she tries to clarify her question._

_“Yeah like…you and I, getting married…” Aly watches as Aliya’s lips lift up into a soft smile while her eyes leave Aly’s face and look down at her own hands shyly._

_“I used to think about marriage all the time,” Aly’s breath catches as she tries not to dwell on the phrase “used to” too much._

_“I believed after my career I would marry some man instantly and have children and that would be that, even though I do not want that, I would not have been able to fight it.” Aliya tips her head to the side in thought, her next few words filled with a sadness Aly could detect._

_“It’s normal for Russian women to give up their life to be a house wife, to give up who they are as a person and I thought my fate was sealed to that...but then I met you.” Aliya smiles again and turns her eyes back to Aly.  “I did not know marriage between two women would ever be possible but this country gives me some hope.”_

_Aliya swallows and fully closes the book on her lap, her mind trying to find the correct words in English. Aly presses forward to let Aliya know she’s listening, feeling kind of nervous as to where this was going._

_Then, in her broken but impressive English, Aliya makes Aly’s heart melt into a puddle of warm nothingness and she feels the warm prickly feeling in her stomach make its way through out her entire body and it’s like she’s completely floating in the air right now._

_“With you…I have never wanted anything more.”_

_There were times when Aly didn’t realize the true validity of Aliya’s upbringing. Russia was a country that would always be ten steps behind and Aliya truly felt like she had grown up in a backwards country._

_Where as Aly had been able to have a childhood looking up to various LGBTQ figures in America, Aliya had been left in the dark, so the topic of marriage especially gay marriage was so foreign to Aliya._

_But with Aly there was no black or white and no hesitation. She and Aly belonged together, it was non debatable. It was as simple as which way is up and down, it just was this undeniable force._

_“Have you thought about marrying me?” This time it’s Aly’s turn to make Aliya melt. She feels her face break out into a giant smile and her eyes shine with something so bright and confident it makes Aliya’s heart jumpstart._

_“Of course, Alka.”_

_“Why?”_

_Aly feels her breath catch for a moment and she looks at Aliya confused, because isn’t it so obvious? But she takes a deep breath anyways and bears herself to Aliya so vulnerably she can’t name a time she ever felt this open._

_“There isn’t any other choice I have, even if I wanted one. Because everything about you is everything that I want for the rest of my life. What we have isn’t normal love at all, it’s love that only comes around once in a life time to those who are lucky, and it consumes us so deeply and entirely that there is no one else in the world…no, the universe, that comes close to Aliya Fargatovna Mustafina. You're the stars at night and the sun in the morning-what I mean is you're inevitable in my life. I don’t think I’ve let go of the breath I took since I met you when we were both thirteen at our last junior competition in Qatar, and I don’t want to ever to let that breath go. I want to marry you because it’s what I’m meant to do- what we’re meant to do. I loved you before I even knew what the hell love was. The entire universe conspired to bring us together.”_

_Aly finishes and at the same time leans in to press her lips against Aliya’s while she reaches to hold her face in her hands. Aliya grins against her lips and surges forward the same time she does, the two of them meeting in the middle._

_“Is that a good enough answer?” Aly laughs when they pull back after minutes of breathless kissing and Aliya’s swollen lips are the first thing Aly’s eyes land on._

_“It is the best answer.”_

 

—

 

“Oh my god! This is so cool!” Laurie squeals in excitement as their cable car looms over the landscape of Rio. She points to various buildings and locations and talks so fast Aly is having a hard time keeping up with it. “I can see the Olympic village from here! It’s so weird we were just there and now we’re _here!”_

Gabby laughs at the excitement pouring out of Laurie and turns back to the looming Christ The Redeemer statue ahead. Aly holds onto the side of the car and tries not to think about how high up they are so she concentrates on the statue they’re closely approaching.

Laurie had all but begged Gabby and Aly to go with her to see the statue earlier in the week because in her words: “You can’t go to Brazil and not see Christ The Redeemer!”

And with that the three of them found themselves riding the cable car to one of the highest peaks in Rio and it wasn’t doing anything necessarily good for Aly’s fear of heights. She wish she had Aliya here to hang onto or something but the other girl is probably blissfully taking a long deserved rest.

Aly starts to think about the small flinches she could see start to plague Aliya when her knee came into contact with anything and she hoped the ghost pain wasn’t coming back too badly.

“What are you going to do after Rio?”

Aly shifts her head away from looking over the edge of the car to Gabby and looks at her suddenly curious expression. “After Rio?” Gabby rolls her eyes and smiles softly, Laurie too distracted with all the sight seeing to pay attention to their conversation.

“With Aliya. Is she coming back with you to America or are you going to attempt the long distance thing again?”

The words draw a small pang into Aly’s heart and she has to stop herself from cringing at the word “long distance” but she composes herself and answers Gabby honestly,

“I don’t know. We talked about her coming back to Boston with me and she said she’d think about it but the more time goes on the more I realize I can’t let her go back to Russia.”

Gabby nods in understanding and runs a hand through her ponytail in thought. Aly can tell she wants to say something, she knows Gabby too well to know she’s holding her tongue. “Just say it, Gabby.”

Gabby rolls her eyes again before she tries to bring Aly back to the reality she so clearly has left in her lovesick haze.

“It’s not that easy, it’s not like she can just what, _defect,_ to America and everything will be a happy ending?”

Aly pulls back a little at the harshness in Gabby’s words and she knows they aren’t meant to come off as hurtful as they do but she doesn’t like the condescending tone Gabby is suddenly using with her. She feels defensive of herself and her relationship and she doesn't like the sudden switch that's just been pulled.

“I never said she was going to _defect,_ I just said she was thinking about coming back with me.”

Gabby scoffs and Aly doesn’t know what’s suddenly gotten into her friend and why she’s so critical of Aly’s relationship in this moment, but deep down she thinks it’s just Gabby being protective of her feelings. She hopes for that to be true at least.

“Okay, but you think it’s so easy?”

“I never said that.”

“But you’re acting like it! Fantasies don’t just come true like in the movies, you have to be realistic—“

“So you’re saying I should just break up with her again?”

Gabby lets out a loud groan and Aly’s thankful that Laurie is so caught up in talking to a pair of French tourists she doesn’t catch the small argument Aly and Gabby seem to be having all of a sudden.

“No, but you have to be realistic and not just fantasize. She comes from a completely different background and you should be conscious of that, things that are easy for you are probably ten times harder for her. Did you ever stop and think about what the repercussions could be for her?”

Aly wants to shove Gabby because how dare she talk about her relationship and her girlfriend like she knows more than Aly. It takes a lot in her not to start yelling in the cable car right now and cause a scene so she keeps her voice low but firm.

“Of course I have! You don’t think it keeps me up at night? I’m basically asking her to leave her family and friends for me but it’s not like she can go back to Russia and visit.”

This time Gabby pulls away in shock and raises one of her hands, a gesture that automatically pisses Aly off because it means Gabby is about to unleash some harsh reality and she doesn’t really want to hear it right now because she’s like 2,300 feet in the air and her body isn’t having it.

“Go back and visit? Are you out of your mind? What makes you think her country is going to welcome her back with open arms after she runs off with a girl?”

Aly opens her mouth to come up with a retort but she stops short and lets her mouth kind of hang open like a fish out of water for a few seconds. Yes, she had thought about Aliya leaving Russia but she had never fully thought about Aliya going back to Russia and what that would mean to her.

“I didn’t…think about that.” Aly admits with a deflation of her shoulders as she sags back into her chair, Gabby’s face instantly turns regretful and she bites her lip in guilt.

“I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to come off so harsh, I…shit. I just don’t want to see you go through what you did before. I’m being an asshole about it because I want you to see the big picture.”

Aly knows Gabby has good intentions and she isn’t particularly even mad Gabby went off on her like that but now her mind is running all over the place with thoughts of Aliya not being able to ever see her family or friends again.

The car comes to a stop the same time Laurie announces they’ve arrived at the statue before she practically jumps out without a second thought to the girls behind her. Gabby tells Laurie they’ll be there in a second and turns back to Aly.

“Regardless if Aliya wants to come with you in the end, did you ever think about what she might have to give up?”

—

 _'Cause in a sky full of stars,_  
_I think I see you_


	9. In The Middle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone's week is going well! I apologize it's taking me a bit to update between posts but I appreciate your patience. 
> 
> trigger warnings in this chapter: mentions of suicide + gay bashing/hate
> 
> xx

_ Lying down beside you, _

_ what's going through your head? _

—

 

“What was it like when you beat Aly Raisman in the all around?”

Aliya turns her eyes away from her phone at Daria’s question while her breath hitches at the heart breaking memory. Of all people in the competition her and Aly had to be tied neck in neck for the bronze, and then when the tiebreaker came it was Aly who had gotten dropped.

It was the first medal Aliya had ever received where it didn’t make her feel proud. In fact, she kind of hated that medal because it had given her something while taking away something from Aly.

She kind of hated herself for it almost. It was a guilt that hadn’t gone away in four years and she didn’t know if it ever will.

She answers Daria truthfully because she has nothing really to lie about anymore, and she doesn’t want to. She wants the young girl to understand the devastation that came with that day and why she refuses to discuss it for the most part.

“It was heartbreaking. I did win fairly in the tie breaker, but I did not feel proud of winning afterwards.”

Daria tilts her head to the side but remains in quiet thought. She can understand a sense of sportsmanship among athletes but the emotion she is sensing with Aliya isn’t quite that.

“What are you going to do in the all around tomorrow?” Aliya smiles and squeezes Daria’s arm affectionately.

“I’m going to do my best of course, Dasha, what else would I do?” Daria bites her lip and tries to gage Aliya’s reaction. She shifts in the ice bath they’re currently standing in, no longer feeling the chills running up her legs.

Aliya leans against the wall and crosses her arms over her chest, not in a defensive move, but because it’s something she does when she’s thinking. She knows Daria senses something in regards to Aly and Aliya’s nerves for the all around, but she doesn’t know to what extent it is.

“I do not want you to feel like you owe Aly anything.”

Daria’s words make Aliya prickle with irritation slightly and she doesn’t know how to express to her friend that while she’s never felt like she owes Aly anything, even after after the all around in London—Aliya _wants_ her to have it.

She doesn’t necessarily care whether she places in the all around this time because she just wants to see Aly on that podium. The look of utter despair on the American’s face after just barely losing the bronze was forever marred into Aliya’s head.

She shakes her head and moves to step out of the ice bath, feeling more numb than ever but not from the ice itself. “I know, I do not.” She grits out a little more harshly than she intends but Daria doesn’t seemed to be phased by her tone.

Daria pauses when she gets out and thinks before she opens her mouth to speak once more,

“I do not mean it in that way. Do not compromise yourself for someone else- because she will still love you. She loved you even when you won the bronze.”

Aliya stands in place, her back turned to Daria while a million thoughts run through her head. She finally turns, her expression quizzical but understanding as Daria nods firmly.

“I know you walk around with the guilt of winning that medal, and I do not want you to and I do not think she wants you to either.”

Aliya smiles emotionally, her bottom lip quivers a bit before she leans over the edge of the tub and pulls Daria into a tight hug, both of them giggling. “Thank you, Dasha.” She lays a firm kiss on Daria’s cheek and gives a squeeze to her shoulder.

 

—

 

_ “Alka, hurry! We’re going to be late!”  _

_Aliya turns away from her vanity and gives one last thoughtful touch up to her makeup before she grabs her coat from her chair and hops the steps downstairs to the foyer._

_“Coming mama! Sorry!”_

_“Your father and sister are already in the car!” Her mother’s voice starts to get more angrier than impatient and as Aliya descends the stairs she throws an apologetic look to her, her father honking the horn from the drive way._

_“Sorry!” She apologizes again and purposefully avoids the angry gaze of her father while her mother practically pushes her into the backseat. The engine of the car starts and in seconds the Mustafina family pull out of their driveway and start the short distance to church._

_Naliya is talking to her and Aliya is only half paying attention because her parent’s are talking in hushed tones and it sparks her curiosity._

_“Hold on-“ She puts a finger to her sister's lips and looks at her apologetically when she gives her an annoyed expression and turns her attention to the window. Aliya was only ten but her comprehension skills were way above her age range._

_She was like a radar for detecting things. She knows her parents are talking about something serious because of the way her father keeps glancing into the rearview mirror and the way her mother fiddles with the buttons of her large fur coat._

_She hears her mother mutter the name of her favorite uncle Viktor and her face quickly lights up in excitement, her heart leaping with joy at the prospect of seeing him after such a long unexplained absence. Aliya opens her mouth to inquire but stops when she hears her father talk lowly back to her mother,_

_“Yelena, if he shows up today I will beat him senseless.” Aliya rears back in shock and suddenly feels stuck in place. She’s never heard her father use such aggressive language about his younger brother._

_Farhat Mustafin was a wrestler, aggressive and harsh by nature, but never to family members. He was strict and believed in a strong appreciation in athletics, but he still never came off as outwardly angry towards his family._

_This was a completely new side Aliya was starting to see and it scared her. What could Viktor have done that was so terrible?_

_“I don’t want him bringing his…disgusting lifestyle around our daughters, and especially not our church. Mother will have a heart attack if she sees him.”_

_Why would Aliya’s grandmother hate her favorite child? Aliya thinks maybe it’s her father’s jealousy towards his younger, more handsome, brother. Viktor was always the ladies man, he partied and always dressed in the nicest suits, his lifestyle was definitely admirable to his young ten year old niece._

_He would bring Aliya and her sister expensive gifts like dresses, shoes, and jewelry. He appeared to understand her in a way her father could never and Aliya would find herself admiring her uncle more and more each day._

_Then suddenly he stopped coming to family functions, he stopped writing and sending gifts, he stopped coming to church but no one seemed to mention his name or care._

_After a while Aliya just assumed his luxurious lifestyle had just taken him away from the mundane life of the Mustafina’s middle class existence and while it hurt her she understood his reasons. He didn’t want to be stuck in the small town of Yegoryevsk forever, just like Aliya didn’t want to either._

_Aliya swallows around a lump in her throat she didn’t even register was there and she suddenly finds the words to speak up. “Papa, why are you mad at uncle Viktor?” The minute the words leave her mouth she feels the air in the car change and she can see her father visibly tense his shoulders._

_He glances at her through in mirror before he turns his gaze to his wife for backup but her mother stutters in the same manner and instead suddenly finds an interest in the seam of her leather gloves. Aliya impatiently looks between her parents for an answer, her father’s knuckles turning white as they grip the steering wheel._

_“Farhat maybe we should-“_

_“No! They’re just children, Yelena, for God’s sake.”_

_Aliya clenches her jaw in annoyance while Naliya still remains entranced with looking at the falling snow outside her window. “Just tell me!” She squeaks out and stamps her fists on the seat under her._

_A silence falls over the car, Yelena continues to observe her gloves and Farhat keeps his eyes fixed on the road as he pulls the car into the church lot. Aliya’s outburst seems to go unnoticed, the soft whir of the car’s engine shutting off until the family is left in nothing but complete silence once again._

_She sees her friends gathering around the opening of the church and reaches for the door handle to join them, trying to shake off the last few minutes but her father’s voice stops her hand. He glances once more at his wife before meeting Aliya’s eyes in the mirror._

_“Aliya, uncle Viktor…is a sinning faggot.”_

_“A what...?”_

_Aliya gives her father a quizzical look but he continues his voice completely monotone and void of emotion,_

_“He likes men, Aliya, he’s a dirty homosexual. That isn’t right, he’s a sinner and God will punish him. He told us adults last Christmas and since then grandmother has cut him off and so has the rest of the family.”_

_Aliya still doesn’t understand and her brain is trying to process what her father has just told her. She doesn’t remember learning the word “faggot” but she’s heard it said by some of the boys in school to one another, although they probably don’t know what it means either._

_“It’s a sin and it’s forbidden in the bible. If he tries to contact you I want you to tell me, okay?”_

_She nods subconsciously at her father’s request although she’s not really sure what she would do if Viktor contacted her. She understands a little better now but still isn’t quite sure why her father seems so mad about it. Doesn’t he want his brother to be happy?_

_It was definitely a shock but Aliya thinks there are far worse things than liking men over women—she’s a little taken aback her father is acting like Viktor is a murderer, or a rapist or something horrible._

_But being a homosexual? Well, the concept isn’t something Aliya knows a lot about but she doesn’t necessarily disagree with it._

_“But-“ She tries to speak but feels the car shift as her father pushes his way out suddenly and slama the door behind him. Yelena leaps out after him and Aliya follows their line of sight before it lands right on Viktor standing a few feet away from the car._

_He looks different and Aliya can't tell what it is. He wears what appears to be a brand new (and probably expensive) suit and a pair of shiny loafers. His bright blonde hair is combed back and everything about him seems almost perfect._

_Then Aliya catches the dark circles under his eyes and the way his body sags a little instead of standing tall, she seems the sinking in his cheeks and notices how skinny he's become._

_His eyes widen in fear as Farhat approaches him angrily, his shoulders are raised and Aliya notices he’s forgotten his jacket and it’s the middle of February._

_“Papa!” She calls out to him when she steps out of the car with his jacket in hand and then her eyes land once again on Viktor and he smiles at the sight of her and says her name._

_Aliya completely forgets the conversation that happened five minutes ago and feels her legs break into a run towards her uncle’s arms, an excited squeal escaping her lips._

_“Uncle Viktor!” She’s about to throw himself into his waiting arms before she’s yanked back by the hood of her jacket. A surprised gasp rips itself out of her lips and in the same moment her father raises his fist and slams Viktor straight across the face._

_“Papa! NO!” Aliya screams in horror as her uncle stumbles back in astonishment and cups his now bleeding nose. She looks to her father to apologize but there is nothing but distain for his brother on his face._

_“You get out of here faggot, you get out and never come near my family again, you hear me?”_

_Farhat spits his words, the poison dripping off them as everyone in the parking lot looks on at the scene and Aliya just notices her grandmother standing in the doorway of the church watching with a satisfied look on her face._

_Tears are forming in the corners of her eyes, the scene before her is so jarring all she can do is stand in the parking lot next to her mother while her entire family turns their backs on her uncle._

_She doesn't know if her body feels fear or sadness but she thinks perhaps it's a combination of both right now. A part of her understands this is the last time she will probably see Viktor, but another part of her wants to believe this is not the end._

_Viktor’s face contorts in pain like Farhat’s hit him again but this time with words as his weapon. He cups his cheek and Aliya watches the blood from his nose fall onto the pearly white snow beneath his loafers._

_Farhat jabs a finger at his brother's chest and growls his last words so chillingly that Aliya knows the tremble that runs through her body is not from the cold weather,_

_“If you ever come back here...I’ll kill you myself.”_

_Looking back on it, to this day Aliya realizes there was no need for her father’s threat in the end._

_Two years later Viktor Mustafin stepped in front of an oncoming bus._

 

—

 

“Where did you go?”

Aliya sees Aly waving her hand in front of her face and gives her girlfriend an apologetic look. The older girl just looks back at her with a sympathetic expression and sets the notecards she was holding in her lap.

“Do you want to call it a day with these? I know I've been grilling you pretty hard.”

Aliya’s eyes fall onto the pile of English words in Aly’s lap and remembers what they were doing before she zoned out. “No, I’m sorry- my mind went another place. What was the word I was on?”

Aly lifts up the notecard she was previously helping Aliya learn and reads the word “uncle” off the back of it. Aly sees Aliya visibly swallow and shift uncomfortably, her throat constricts a little and she fidgets her hands with a newfound nervousness.

“Hey, did I say something wrong?” Aly leans her face close to Aliya’s and rubs her knee in gentle circles, giving her a worried expression.

“No. Tired.”

Aly knows she’s not giving her the full truth but decides not to push her right now, because she’s probably not completely lying. The gymnastics teams had been in the gym the entire day training their asses off for the all around and even though Aly had been distracted with nailing her floor routine most of the day it hadn’t gone unnoticed by her the endless transitions Aliya had been doing on the bars.

“Are you nervous about the all around?”

Aliya tenses at Aly’s words, her conversation with Daria earlier that day comes back to her and she finally makes eye contact with Aly and shakes her head. “No.”

“Are you going to say something besides no?” Aly chuckles gently, her eyebrows raised in curiosity as Aliya smiles at the small joke.

“Then what is it?” Aly sets her notecards on the table beside her bed and wraps her arms around Aliya’s waist lovingly. She presses her lips to Aliya’s shoulder and whispers against the warm flesh, the action causing a shiver to run up Aliya’s spine.

“I,” She pauses and lifts her shoulders in a huge sigh. “I am sorry about the all around in London.”

Aly pulls back with a confused expression and it makes Aliya worry all over again but then Aly’s face is registering what she means and then their lips are ghosting over one another before they push together heatedly.

Aliya frowns but kisses Aly back because it’s almost impossible to deny Aly what she wants.

“Don’t you ever apologize for winning that bronze.” Aly’s voice cracks against her lips and Aliya feels Aly’s hand grip the waistband of her shorts. “Don’t. Okay?”

Aliya isn’t sure she’s satisfied with Aly’s answer but she allows herself to be pushed back into the plush pillows and gasps when she feels a finger dip into her center. She bites her lip against the feeling of arousal pooling in the pit of her stomach because she still feels guilty and she still thinks Aly deserved it more than her.

“Aly—you deserved it far more than, mmph..” She arches when Aly adds a second finger and shakes her head, their lips still melded together, but Aliya still presses on. “You were devastated, I…I will never forgive myself.”

Aly lifts her head away from Aliya’s and nips hard at Aliya’s bottom lip which causes the younger girl to arch and moan. “You will, because you never had anything to be sorry for.” Aly shakes her head and remembers the exact day in London four years ago. Tears and a medal that wasn’t hers but none of that mattered. None of that ever mattered.

All that had mattered and still matters is Aliya. So Aly tells her that, she tells her that over and over as they make love all night because that’s the only thing she can do and the only thing she will do to make sure Aliya never feels guilty about it again.

“I love you—never, ever feel guilty,” She whispers into Aliya’s ear as the two come undone into each other once more.

Aliya leans over her, their positions changed and Aly clings to Aliya’s sweaty back, her nails digging into the soft skin under her hands as Aliya’s fingers find her clit and it makes Aly come undone for the fourth time.

“I’ll love you forever…” Aly mutters the words into Aliya’s ear as she presses into her lover’s back from behind, her fingers working three into Aliya at a rough pace their thighs are slapping together slightly. Aliya lets out a loud pant and turns slightly to press a kiss right below Aly's ear and whispers back to her,

“Always.”

 

—

 

“We are almost done with the uneven bars event here at the women’s individual all around in Rio! Right now Aliya Mustafina is leading with a score of 44.754, and after that amazing bar routine I’m not surprised she’s put herself in the lead with a score of 15.666.”

“Yes but for how long? The bars are Bile’s weakest event but I am sure she will come back during the floor routine which is the final event coming next! Aly Raisman is also right on the cusp of medaling, will it be before Mustafina or after her?”

“Honestly Nastia I’m pretty scared! After a devastating tie breaker loss in the London all around everybody is cheering for Raisman to redeem herself!”

Aliya ignores the scoreboard and physically turns her body away from it while she visualizes her floor routine, she lifts her arms and imagines the tumbles and flips she has to execute.

She claps her hands to get the remaining chalk off of them, and starts to speak with Valentina quietly and ignores the rest of the bar routines entirely. Everyone who has a chance at making the podium has already done their routine, the rest are just time fillers.

“You can get silver, nail your floor routine.” Valentina talks to her solemnly and massages her shoulders as she rolls her head on her shoulders. To be honest she was performing far better than she thought she had in her.

She knew she would qualify for the individual all around but she never expected herself to push through to the end like this.

When the buzzer sounds off and signifies everyone to move towards the floor exercise, Aliya holds her jacket to her chest like someone’s about to rip it out of her arms, and she’s sure all the cameras following her are wondering why she looks so god damn nervous but she can’t forget last night.

Aly may not have been mad at Aliya for taking the bronze in London but that didn’t mean Aliya was still mad with herself. Aliya really didn’t think the medal was anything between them now, and it wasn’t, but just the act of taking something from Aly, even subconsciously, still killed her.

There was only one thing Aliya could do—and she wasn’t sure if this was the right path or not.

“You’re fourth.” Aliya follows Evgeny’s voice to the lineup and sees herself set to go after Shang Chunsong. She takes a shaky breath and sits herself down to watch the first few routines.

Aly listens to Mihai give her a small pep talk and shakes her shoulders in preparation, her attention suddenly tunes into the lineup and she ignores the first three gymnasts and falls right onto Aliya’s name.

She glances past two gymnasts to see Aliya sitting down looking like she’s about to vomit. She sees Evgeny speaking to her quietly, probably trying to calm her down and Aly regretfully pulls her away from her for fear of lingering too long.

“Redemption.” Mihai smiles and kisses her forehead. Aly grins and nods firmly in return,

“Redemption.”

 

—

 

“And that is a stunning performance from Eythora Thorsdottir, although her score was not enough to pull her ahead of the top four.” 

“Disappointing but she should be proud of that routine. Now we return to the floor where Mustafina is about to take her spot. This and Aly Raisman’s performance after will determine who gets silver and bronze, I’m on the edge of my seat!”

“Aliya Mustafina, of the Russian Federation.”

When her name is announced she doesn’t register it right away because the pounding in her ears is so loud. She steps up to the edge of the mat before she plasters her award winning smile on and lifts her arms up in recognition of her start.

Her feet touch the inside of the mat and there’s no longer anytime to think just time to do. She gets in position and just barely catches Aly fixated on her from the sidelines. They hold each other’s gaze for a brief moment before her floor music begins.

She knows what she’s going to do.

The entirety of the all around today has been Aliya mainly keeping track of the scoreboard for Aly’s score and now, even though they had tried to avoid it, they were back where they had been in London. Almost tied.

She flies into her first two tumbling passes easily and adds to her D score with some spinning turns that she’s known for doing perfectly in her routines. The floor exercise is so short, really ever apparatus is so short in time but this feels like an eternity to Aliya.

She lines herself up for her last tumble and decides her fate. She does a swift run, a clean flip, and then lands perfectly but just before she can finish off she adds a small hop—a deduction—and something she knows will give Aly the silver.

She ends proudly and lifts her arms once in completion before stepping off the mat and off the stage. She feigns a disappointed smile to Evgeny and waits for her score even though she’s already calculated it in her head.

13.933. She smiles at the camera that runs up to push itself into her face and gives a small wave. She will get the bronze- and this bronze she will feel like she actually deserves.

Aly saw the small hop and has to stop herself from audibly gasping. Simone saw it too and anyone with a trained eye saw it. Aliya put that in there and it had all been for Aly. She wants to cry because the girl that waited two years for her just sacrificed a higher score for her.

Before she can do anything though she hears her name and her feet robotically move her to the mat. It's just her and the floor now.

Aliya had been the one to give her redemption.

“Aly Raisman, of the United States of America.”

She lifts her arms confidently and with another robotic step places herself on the mat and lets the music take over. 

Aliya watches in awe with everyone else as Aly’s first tumbling pass is near perfect, no, it is perfect. She watches with baited breath as Aly moves with such calculated ease and poise and doesn't make one mistake. She holds her breath with vigor and clutches her jacket once more to her chest.

Aly takes a short breath and glides into her final tumbling pass like a battering ram and as her floor music finally fades everything plows into her and she breaks down in tears. She did it.

She waves to the crowd as it erupts in cheers for her, she can’t stop the tears from flowing now and when she steps off the mat and runs to hug Simone and Mihai she completely breaks.

Redemption. Aliya had given her a gift she doesn't know she can ever repay, and Aly still didn’t know how to feel about it because every single emotion a human could feel is coursing through her veins.

 

—

 

“Aly Raisman has just been given a score of 15.433!! She officially has just taken the silver and has come back from her loss in London!” 

The crowd erupts once more and Aly doesn’t register anything going on because Simone pulls her up on the stage with her proudly. They both wave to the crowd and Aly doesn’t know if she’s breathing or functioning normally but she’s lifting her hands in a wave so at least she can function this much.

“Our three all around Olympic champions! Simone Biles with gold, Aly Raisman with silver, and Aliya Mustafina with the bronze! This lineup is no surprise because these girls remain on top of the gymnastics world.”

Once Simone and Aly are done with the crowd she finds herself climbing off the stage and instantly running to hug Aliya. She’s standing with Evgeny and smiles so proudly at Aly she feels she might cry again. She doesn’t care which cameras are watching as she engulfs Aliya in the strongest hug ever.

She holds her a little longer than normal and whispers a quick, “I love you.” in her ear, barely audible or seeable to anyone else, before she pulls back and allows Simone the room to hug her.

When the three girls stand on the podium to receive their medals Aliya begins to wonder whether anyone caught her purposeful mistake. She begins to worry that some news reporter will ask her about it but as she’s handed her medal she forgets the thought entirely.

Aly throws her a subtle smile and watches Aliya proudly take the bronze and hold it up to the shouts and cheers of the crowd. They would both walk away proud tonight.

One person that is still fixated on Aliya’s routine stands in the corner of the arena with the Russian team with his arms crossed. His eyes are trained on the gymnast’s receiving their medals and as Sergei catches the smile Aly throws towards Aliya he clenches his jaw. That hop was definitely not a mistake.

—

 _I'll promise to build a new world for us two,_  
_with you in the middle_


	10. Please Don't Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I'm updating earlier than I usually do because I wanted to get this chapter up, it was very hard to write but I'm excited for you to read it. I hope to update more frequently too!
> 
> For those asking how long this fic is going to be I started it with a very set ending in mind but not sure of how long it would eventually be, I want to say only a few more parts are coming up, and I apologize for not having a set number but hopefully I'll have a better idea soon. I'm sorry if you're getting bored or impatient with how many parts there has been!
> 
> Thank you to those who are sticking with this fic and enjoying it, I really, really love writing it. 
> 
> xx

_When you fell, you fell towards me,_  
_when you crashed in the clouds, you found me_

—

 

It’s a little after twelve in the morning when the post all around interviews are wrapping up and even then one interview after another keeps rolling out and the fatigue in everyone is starting to become evident as the time pushes on even further.

Aliya lifts a careful hand and rubs at her right away in a way that doesn’t smudge her perfect makeup while she tries to listen carefully to the Russian translator through her ear phones.

He’s asking about London and something about what it’s like to compete against Simone Biles and if she feels inferior, and she should be a little put off by his attitude towards her as the only non-American gymnast on the podium, but she’s too tired so she shifts in her chair at the press table and pauses before removing her ear phones much to everyone’s surprise.

The interviewer finishes his question and gives her an annoyed look before he gestures to Aliya wildly.

“Did she even understand me?” He calls out to the translator rudely, who then turns to Aliya with an equally confused expression. She has to stop herself from rolling her eyes and promptly replies in English to everyone’s surprise once more.

“You think after all these years I have not taken the time to learn English?” She responds icily pauses and gives the reporter time to feel embarrassed before she continues,

“No, competing against Simone is not hard, it is pleasant because she is such a good gymnast.”

She folds her hands neatly on the table and gives the reporter a pointed look as a few hushed tones break out across the press pit and Aly has to hide her smug expression at Aliya’s response.

Aly herself couldn’t even hide her annoyance towards the reporter for being so blatantly rude to Aliya and her Russian nationality.

“Thank you for the questions but that is all the time we have for tonight.” The moderator stands up from her seat near the table and thanks Aliya, Aly, and Simone before the press pit starts to get cleared out.

The three gymnasts stand and Simone is the first to groan at finally being able to stretch her legs after two straight hours of interviews.

The walk to the shuttles is silent between everyone after the buzz of the medal ceremony starts to die down, and Aliya seems too tired to even register that no one asked her about her floor mistake but Aly follows closely behind her and tries to figure out how to even approach the topic because she’s still not sure how she feels right now, silver medal around her neck and all.

They load onto the bus and Mihai and Evgeny are talking quite animatedly so Aly takes the opportunity to slide into the seat next to Aliya without raising any eyebrows because it’s one of the only open seats left.

Simone is seated alone and already plugged into her giant headphones and Aly silently relaxes into the calm silence that falls over the shuttle when the lights turn off and they pull off towards the village.

Aly doesn’t know what to say, even though she should probably say something, but this doesn’t feel awkward. It feels…comfortable. Aliya doesn’t seem tense or upset she just appears to be tired just like everyone else tonight.

Her face is turned away from Aly and she can kind of make out Aliya’s reflection in the glass watching the streets of Rio pass by.

Aly searches her surroundings and finds everyone else distracted with their phones or in quiet discussion one another and she takes the opportunity to place a small kiss to Aliya’s cheek in the darkness.

She feels a small smile lift at the corner of the Russian’s lips and Aly decides right now isn’t the time to talk about the all around.

She places her hand over Aliya’s and the two intertwine their fingers between each other automatically. Aliya watches the shoreline of Brazil before she closes her eyes and lets the gentle movement of the bus be the only sound she hears.

The rest of the bus ride is spent in silence while Aliya falls half asleep, the last thought on her mind is of the bronze medal sitting against her chest and the silver one sitting on Aly's.

 

—

 

The moment the bus pulls into the village they’re met with a sizable crowd which mainly consists of their teammates, coaches, and parents. While they begin to unload Aliya sees Lynn waving at the bus before Aly even sees her and then she's squealing and running to her family. Aliya watches her go with a smile before turning back to the bus.

She thanks the driver when he hands her her bag and slings it over her shoulder as Seda and Angelina eagerly run up to her.

She smiles and pulls them into a hug with both arms and listens to their words of praise and admiration before Daria joins in and kisses her cheek.

“Congratulations.” She smiles knowingly at Aliya and opens her mouth to say something before her eyebrows turn up and Aliya follows her gaze to where Maria is greeting Simone with an eager hug.

She hadn’t even noticed Maria didn’t come over to her immediately, it doesn’t make her mad, it just makes her curious when she watches the interaction between the two.

It kind of reminds her of the first couple of interactions her and Aly had in London. She smiles to herself and averts Daria’s attention to her. “You all shouldn’t have waited up for me, you have practice early tomorrow.”

Seda scoffs and waves off her words quickly, she senses the exhaustion in Aliya’s voice and should probably let her friend sleep but she points to the medal around her neck. “I am sorry you did not get silver.”

Aliya’s hands find her medal while her eyes remain fixed on Seda and she shakes her head nonchalantly.

“I did not get any worse since London, I am proud of this bronze.” Daria nods in silent understanding but Angelina and Seda don’t seem convinced. Aliya cups Seda’s cheek and gives her an affectionate tap. “You are young, you will understand someday.”

She feels a hand wrap around her bicep and turns just in time to catch Maria’s signature dimple smile before the two hug tightly and words of pride are whispered into her ear by her best friend.

They pull back and Aliya leans against her friend. “I see you waited up to greet Simone.” She speaks quietly so the other girls don’t hear but they’re already wrapped up in their own conversation.

Maria shakes her head with another wide smile and casts her eyes to the ground, scuffing the ground with the tip of her shoe, and tries to find the words to explain but Aliya stops her.

“You can tell me later.”

Aliya smiles when Maria gives her a grateful look and nods her head back towards the village. The idea of bed sounded so good to Aliya right now, the plush sheets engulfing her body was all she really wanted but she doesn’t think her mind is ready for sleep.

With a shake of her head she hands her bag to Maria, making sure she has her key in hand. “I’m going for walk. Can you take my bag back to my room?”

Aliya is already taking steps away from her team when Maria replies affirmatively, she makes sure to give her a thumbs up and forces her tired legs down the path that runs along the shoreline of the village.

Maria watches her go before she turns to go back into the building and a hand stops her before she can move any further.

“Walk with me.” Simone requests simply, her smile is wide and undeniable, and it’s a trait that Maria doesn’t think she’s going to ever forget about the girl. She slings Aliya’s bag over her shoulder and walks side by side with Simone into the village, the two starting to talk about the all around as Simone lights up and waves her hands around while she gestures, Maria laughing the entire time.

 

—

 

The rush of the waves is the only sound that can be heard for smiles, that and the occasional squawk of a seagull but not so much at this hour of the night. The calming bubble the water leaves on the sand when the shoreline recedes is what Aliya concentrates on, and although it is pitch dark, she allows the light of the moon to help her see. 

The sand that falls between her fingertips is mesmerizing, everything about this Rio beach is hypnotizing and a part of Aliya never wants the sun to come up so she can sit in the night forever and listen to the water. She listens to her low breathing and detects another person behind her but she doesn’t have to look to know who it is.

“I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank you…or understand why you did what you did.”

Aly’s voice has always been soft and high at the same time but in this setting it sounds so quiet and small. Aliya doesn’t turn around but her stance is not defensive it’s just pensive and Aly notes that when she takes steps closer. She sees the small shiver in Aliya’s body and without a second thought takes off her team jacket and covers her shoulders.

“You do not need to thank me at all, Aly. You won on your own skill.”

Aly knows that’s not entirely a lie, her routine may have been a little bit higher in difficulty than Aliya’s, but that didn’t mean that the other girl could have scored higher than her in the end. She notices Aliya hasn’t taken off her bronze even though she herself has stowed her silver away in her room already.

“Are you mad?” Aliya situates her body to look at her and suddenly Aly feels the emotion of the last twelve hours torrent into her veins, which is kind of jarring at first, but she shakes her head at Aliya’s question vigorously.

“How could I be?” Her voice cracks a little and she lets the emotion show through because there’s nothing to hide between them, there never has been. Aliya looks down at the medal around her neck and delicately frames the piece of bronze under her palms, feeling like it might break within seconds, she doesn’t really understand why Aly would be mad at her but she also doesn’t understand why Aly would be happy with what she had done.

“You-“

Aly stops herself, clears her throat, and reaches to run her thumb over Aliya’s knuckles, stopping every urge she has to start crying again, so she continues.

“You gave me something so utterly…selfless, I don’t know why it breaks my heart and makes me so happy at the same time.” She lets the tears come this time, flowing down her cheeks like small rivers, she doesn’t let herself hide from Aliya.

It’s then she notices Aliya is also crying but for an entirely different reason. She wipes at her eyes and giggles at how fucking emotional everything is because honestly it’s pathetic how many times they’ve cried with each other over the span of almost a week now. The overly emotional lesbian stereotype was definitely applying to them this week.

“I don’t know why we cry so much, sometimes it feels good and sometimes it feels not so good.” Aly lets out a watery chuckle and agrees with Aliya’s sentiment, but she already knows why they’ve been crying so much and she thinks Aliya knows it too.

“It’s because we love each other.”

“Yes,” Aliya agrees simply, sniffing loudly she registers the sweet smell of Aly coming from the jacket around her shoulders, and she lifts her medal off her neck, mirroring the way Aly did a few nights prior, she places it around the American’s neck.

“I did what I did because I love you. It was not about the medal anymore, it was about you redeeming what you deserve,” Aliya smiles thoughtfully, delicately running her fingers over the edges of the medal.

“For your happiness Aly, I could do anything.”

Aly stares in awe at the piece of metal placed around her neck as if it were the holy grail. She sniffs, not able to help the wide grin that splits her face, and her heart almost bursts it feels so full.

“Look at me…”

Light hazel meeg Aly’s dark chocolate pupils and the action makes her stomach flip almost violently at the reaction she gets when she _really_ sees Aliya.

“You’re looking at me the same way you did when we met.”

Aly blinks in surprise because up until this point she thought she was the only one that remembers when they met because it had been so quick she was sure it had evaded Aliya’s memory.

“You remember that?”

Aliya chuckles, shaking her head with an affectionate eye roll she crosses her arms over her chest, giving Aly an adorable raised eyebrow.

“Like moment was yesterday.”

 

—

 

_ The first time was when they were both thirteen in Doha, Qatar. It was the Gymnasiade Championships, and both of their last years in their junior careers. There was a sadness to the fact that after this year some gymnasts would fall off the line and not continue into an elite or senior career.  _

_She had heard of her, knew of her, and occasionally would pass her by but Aliya Mustafina was never alone. She was always with her teammates or a coach and Aly hadn’t really thought much of her besides that she was one of their hardest competitors, but she had never actually stood face to face with her._

_It was a practice day right before the individual all arounds, that of which Aliya would go on to win gold in, and the Russian team was sharing a gym space with the Americans and Germans._

_Aly had just set her things down and was in the middle of a heated conversation with Jordyn over who the hotter Hemsworth brother was._

_“Aly can you go borrow the spray bottles and chalk from the Russian team?” Aly nods at Marta’s request and feels Jordyn and Gabby nudge her teasingly with raised eyebrows. “What?”_

_“Good luck talking to the scary as hell Russians.” Jordyn quips with a smirk, Gabby agreeing as they both wrap their wrists in tape. “But hurry, we need that spray so we can do bars!”_

_Aly suddenly feels nervous and she doesn’t move from her place even though Jordyn is teasingly pushing her forward. “Oh my god, good luck, Mustafina is using it right now.”_

_Gabby and Jordyn break out into another series of giggles which make Aly’s nerves just grow higher. Her eyes land on Aliya a few feet away who is distracted spraying and chalking her hands she doesn’t notice Aly approaching before she clears her throat._

_She never knew her voice could sound so shaky but the minute Aliya’s eyes turn away from her hands and meet Aly’s the world pauses, Aly can feel her breath catch in her throat, and she almost takes a step back. The Russian gymnast is incredibly stunning up close and Aly can’t believe she’s never really noticed this before._

_“Can I help?”_

_And her voice! Aly can’t comprehend how angelic and gentle it is—even in her broken English. Her hearing tunnels for a moment and all Aly can look at is the way Aliya is looking at her quizzically while she stands there, probably looking like a fish out of water with the way she’s opening and closing her mouth._

_“Sorry! I, uh, can we borrow the spray?”_

_Aliya gives her an apologetic smile and tries to communicate her misunderstanding but Aly quickly points to the bottle in her hand._

_Aliya tears her eyes away from Aly’s, and she instantly feels an absence when she does, before Aliya is holding it out to her with a small smile and nod. “Thank you!”_

_Aly squeaks out and takes the bottle quickly, wondering if she can make eye contact with the other girl once more but then Marta is calling to her to hurry, the nervousness from earlier coming back to Aly when she realizes the entire American team is staring at her because she’s been standing frozen in place for what seems like an eternity._

_She holds up the bottle, deciding to just settle on a thankful smile before turning and all but sprinting back to the American corner, not noticing how Aliya glances after her before turning back to her own team._

_“That’s funny. She acted like you just burned her or something.”_

_Vika muses next to her while they finish chalking their hands, Aliya looks at her friend and lets out a small giggle, scrunching her nose to express her shared confusion at the interaction that just took place._

_“She is probably scared of me. Everyone is.”_

 

—

 

“I wasn’t scared! I was more…intimidated, because you’re so stunning, it’s honestly breath taking.”

Aly doesn’t even try to hide the fact that she trips over Aliya’s beauty every single moment she’s around her, it reminds her of something she wrote in the letter:

“They should name a gender after you because just looking at you isn’t enough, staring is the only way that makes sense.”

And it’s true, it will always remain true to Aly. If it weren’t for you know, life and having to do things, Aly would spend the rest of her days kissing, touching and memorizing every part of Aliya Mustafina.

“And you don’t think it’s hard for myself? Aly, you are the perfection that women search for in life but will never find.”

Aliya watches a blush creep itself onto Aly’s cheeks and she leans in to kiss each small dimple that appear on Aly’s face when she smiles.

“Every time I’m around you, I try not to blink so I don’t miss anything. I just want to stare at you every minute possible,” Aly has such a way with words that Aliya pushes herself everyday to practice her English just so she can better understand the thoughts of devotion that Aly shares with her.

It’s a vulnerability that Aliya knows she only has the privilege of getting from Aly and she clings to it, because she knows without Aly’s voice in her presence she just might die.

She leans forward and connects their lips gently, just being in the proximity of Aly was driving her mad and she’s not sure how long she can let herself be happy before she has to stop and think about going home.

Aly pulls back after a few minutes and voices what Aliya was thinking as if she could read her mind, the cold wave of reality had to come down sooner or later, but Aly isn’t letting this get out of her hands, not this time.

“I can’t let you go back to Russia,” she speaks softly and vulnerably as she leans her forehead against Aliya’s tenderly, tugging her close by the bottom of her USA jacket draped around her shoulders, her mind mentally preparing herself for the rejection.

Aliya lets out a long breath and Aly prepares for the long explanation on why Aliya can’t and already feels selfish for saying it, but she’s surprised when Aliya just nods in response.

“I know. I can’t go somewhere you are not.”

“I’m asking a lot, I know, I’m asking you to leave your friends, family, and gym…”

Aliya shakes her head and leans back to look at her while Aly tries to process what Aliya just said and making sure she heard her correctly because her heart is starting to flip flop again.

“You are my home. I can visit Russia…I can see my friends and they can visit me, as well as my family. It will be hard, but for you I could do-“

“Anything.” Aly finishes the sentence for her, solidifying her own promise in there, before cupping her cheeks and kissing her hard, hoping that her intense emotion and love can show through in the kiss because right now she doesn’t have the words to properly express everything Aliya is doing for her—or will do for her.

“We’ll figure it out…I’ll help you, we have each other and it’ll just be you and me—“

Aly stops when this time Aliya is the one to cut her off with a kiss and the two just stand there, wrapped in each other and perfect bliss with the shores of Rio crashing next to them.

Aliya knows she’ll never forget the way the sand felt against her skin, or the way Aly’s jacket fit perfectly around her shoulders, she’ll never forget the moment in Brazil where she chose to finally be happy.

 

—

 

Later that night as both of them are tucked into Aly’s bed, Aliya holding her bunny plush close to her chest and Aly giving her small kisses on her head and whispers her words of confidence for the uneven bars final that’s happening in two days. 

Aly knows they have much time to see each other in the next couple of days because the non-stop training for their individual events but she can sense the nerves coming off Aliya.

Even if she is the reigning champion of the uneven bars, she can still see the pressure that sits on top of her shoulders.

She ghosts her fingers over the small scar on Aliya’s knee and leans down to press her lips to her neck soothingly.

She doesn’t talk anymore and just lets Aliya think herself to sleep while she holds her close, knowing this is what Aliya needs right now instead of talking, she needs comfort and just the presence of Aly is calming her.

After Aliya has dozed off a little Aly shifts to turns off the slight and then watches as the room becomes shrouded in a comfortable darkness.

She pulls the covers up over their bodies and nuzzles her head into Aly’s shoulder.

Aly can’t believe in just a few days time she’ll be on a plane back to America but with Aliya by her side. It makes her heart leap in her chest and she can’t help but smile into Aliya’s neck at the thought of finally being able to build a life with her.

She’s waited four years for this, she knows it won’t be perfect, but with Aliya by her side they can face anything together now.

 

—

 

“Welcome back to the gymnastics arena here in Rio, we’re just warming up before the vault final and we’re excited to see Simone Biles hopefully take home another gold for team USA.”

“There’s no doubt she’s going to medal today, her vaults are near perfect, but she’s got some heavy competition from Maria Paseka of Russia. Paseka was put on the team in London just for the vault, and she’s only gotten better with time. The two seem to be getting along very well and no bad blood can be seen between them!”

Aly settles into her seat in the crowd next to Laurie and they instantly take each other’s hands nervously. “She’s going to do perfect, we know it…”

Aly lets out a breath the same time Laurie does, Aly looking at her knowingly but still with a hint of nervousness. “I know, but I’m nervous every time, gymnastics is-“

“Unpredictable.” Laurie finishes for her with a knowing smile and the two let out a few giggles at the overused term that everyone is sick of hearing at this point. Although no matter how overused and saturated the “unpredictable” has become amongst gymnasts there’s still an edge of reality to it, which is why Aly is never 100% positive of anything when she or someone else steps onto the mat.

They watch the first few vaults with little nerves, mainly because they aren’t that high in difficulty, but that’s usually how it goes, the best vaulters always get to compete last.

After Wang Yan leaves the mat and Maria is set to go, Aly catches the way Simone turns her head up at the sound of the sound of the other girl’s name, and then how she stops chalking her hands to watch Maria walk past her and onto the stage.

No one else really sees it and perhaps it’s because Aly has such a trained eye to a situation like this because she was in the same position four years ago, but so far Simone hadn’t mentioned anything to her and she thinks it’s maybe the fact Simone herself doesn’t know what their situation is.

Maria breaks into a strong start and ends just as powerfully, the crowd erupting into applause to no one’s surprise, the Russian vaulter has always been the top pick for the apparatus. When she moves to step off the mat she immediately shares a quick hug with Simone before she’s called up for her turn.

“Why do you think Simone has taken a liking to Maria all of a sudden?”

Laurie inquires thoughtfully, turning to Aly with a curious expression, and Aly has to stop herself from really delving into the topic because she truly didn’t really know the full story either.

“I think in a sport like gymnastics you just can’t help but get close with other people.”

Laurie thinks Aly’s words over before she gives her a nod of agreement and settles back in her seat. Aly smiles at the satisfaction with her answer and watches the board of scores fill up before both girls lift to their feet in excited cheers and shouts when Simone’s score ends up in first place and Maria’s in second.

 

—

 

Handstand. Twist. Turn. Transition…

The 90 second routine plays over and over in her heard until that’s the only thing on her mind. The music in her ears is loud and crawls through her veins to give her the energy she craves for her last event in Rio.

She’s spent the last four years working back to this place, after countless injuries and setbacks, now with one gold from London she has to defend her place.

The thought of Russia being completely banned had not rocked her at the time as it should have, but there wasn’t much else to think about but having to face Aly and in all honesty not being able to go to Rio might have been what Aliya would have chosen if given the option then.

But she’s here now, and she’s better than ever, her body has worked itself into the ground getting to Rio and under the bright lights of the arena she’s never felt this much pressure in her life. Her head pounds and she can’t tell if it’s from how tight her bun is pulled back or the lack of sleep she’s been getting.

Aliya looks up and catches Sergei’s eye before he nods to the board and she mimics his movement in response as she removes her head phones and watches the lineup scrawl up onto the board.

She tenses slightly when he makes his way to stand next to her, her reflexes resisting the urge to flinch away from him but he settles next to her with his arms crossed.

“Do this for Russia, not yourself anymore.”

He speaks so lowly it’s almost impossible for her to hear him but he turns his head and looks directly at her, his dead eyes locking onto hers and she can’t look away.

Aliya doesn’t feel the usual threatening manner that Sergei exudes and instead senses a submission or a lack of dominance in this moment, suddenly Sergei seems smaller and almost as if he’s pleading with her.

“If you’re going to leave your homeland at least win the gold so it has something left of you when you go.”

Her reaction is almost violent and she can feel the impact of his statement as it shoots through every vein of her body and grips her heart like he’s trying to kill her with words. She remains seated, unmoving and silent, all that moves is the blink of her eyes and the steady beat of her heart.

She swallows around the bile that is threatening to force its way up her throat, it’s so painful she almost can’t breathe, but she finds her footing and stamps it down before anyone notices her obvious discomfort.

Aliya doesn’t know why she’s having such a visceral reaction to what Sergei said. He was basically giving her the freedom from him, yet at the same time he’s making Aliya realize the volume of her situation.

She’s going to leave the only place she’s known since birth and Sergei is giving her permission to do so.

“Alka, you are next.”

Evgeny’s concerned voice splits through her flurried thought pattern and she turns her head up to him in acknowledgment before she turns her head back to Sergei, her heart still beating like a drum in her rib cage, she stands and looms over her coach, casting her dark shadowed eyes down on him.

“I hate you.”

Sergei’s face doesn’t change expression while Aliya turns on her heel and makes her way up the few steps to the apparatus, there she stares at the bars—the only thing she knows she can do right in this moment.

As she steps up to the mat, amongst the sounds of the stadium and the nerves in her body, she quirks a small smile at the uneven bars in front of her.

_Hello, old friend. Here we are again._

If Sergei ever thought for a second he could take back control of what agency Aliya has in her life he is gravely mistaken.

No one governs her and no matter how many people try and have tried, she will never be anyone but the Aliya Mustafina she has fought for twenty one years to keep alive.

 

—

 

15.900, a near perfect score and impossible to beat. Even Madison Kocian couldn’t top the score with her own of 15.833. Aliya had defended her gold title on the bars and showed the world just how powerful she still remains.

Cameras flash, the crowd screams, and Aliya holds the Russian flag above her head proudly. She feels the water behind her eyes that is threatening to fall and she lets it because now she has it all, she has the gold and the pride is overwhelming. It’s almost stronger than the first time she won in London.

After she pulls back from hugging Evgeny she opens her arms for Maddie to hug her and she squeezes the girl back in genuinely, letting the younger girl know her congratulatory words mean so much to her.

She releases a long steady breath and waves to the cameras, blowing kisses like they could physically fly through the screen and to everyone watching.

“Aliya Mustafina retains her title as the Olympic champion on the uneven bars with a score of 15.900! Madison Kocian takes silver and Sophie Scheder takes the bronze. That was a breath taking and fantastic routine from the Russian gymnast, and she seems to be feeling just how amazing that was!”

“There were so many questions raised in the past few years about whether Aliya would even be able to continue her career after multiple injuries and surgeries but I think she has just proven the world wrong.”

The buzz that runs under her skin and throughout her entire body is intoxicating and Aliya feeds off of it, her adrenaline is at its highest pitch and she feels like she could possibly go up in flames right now.

It’s unbelievable, indescribable, overwhelming, and suffocating all at the same time. Any gymnast who’s ever won a gold title can share in the same feeling. Aliya starts to count the seconds that pass while the three champions are led to the podium. She counts every breath she takes and each beat of her heart.

Aliya catches the proud smiles of her coaches and teammates in the corner, even though the sight makes her heart break somewhat she continues on. They have no idea of her future and she doesn’t know if she can tell them.

Even if she is saying good bye to Russia, and for how long she doesn’t know, she does know she will never compete under another flag. Her country had unlimited flaws, but the land she grew up on, the land she built herself up she will never forget.

“Eto dlya vas, Rossiya.” _This is for you, Russia._

She peeks into the crowd from behind the podium and even though she can’t make Aly out amongst the people she knows she’s there, and that comfort alone is what makes her legs move onto the stand when her name is called.

Aliya smiles and shakes various hands, taking the small Rio trophy before she leans down and feels the gold being placed around her neck. The feel of the circular piece of metal in her hands sends an electric shock through her and she lifts her arms up in victory, waving once more to the audience.

She turns towards her flag and lets her eyes focus on the white, blue, and red.

“Please stand for the national anthem of the Russian Federation.”

 

—

 

There are a billion questions being thrown at her, each coming from a different corner of the conference room, sometimes too quick for her to comprehend, and she’s still trying to wrap her head around her gold and today but her mind goes into autopilot and she tries to answer as many questions as she can without sounding like an idiot.

Madison and Sophie say a few words next to her when inquired of their own performances and she visibly relaxes when the onslaught takes a break from her. She notices for the first time since the press conference began that Aly is standing in the very back of the room watching her with the biggest smile possible.

She also notices the Russian men’s and women’s teams are there and giving her the thumbs up encouragingly. She giggles and winks back at them before her attention is yanked back to the series of questions that are being thrown in her direction.

“Yes, I am very happy I was able to compete in Rio this year. I’m proud I can win another gold for Russia.”

The tired ache in her joints is starting to become more and more evident in her movements and all she wants to do right now is lay down for a very, very long time. Preferably with Aly and some warm blankets.

A sensation of relief fills her chest when she sees the moderator rise to end the press questions, her prayers coming true as she reaches to pick up her jacket by her chair. She spares a glance in the moderator’s direction and notices she’s paused and is listening to something in her ear piece before she grins and lifts her hand.

“Sergei Starkin would like to make an announcement before we close here tonight.”

Aliya feels her blood run cold, her body pausing every movement to turn to the front as Sergei takes the stage and thanks the moderator.

Her bones feel like iron as he tosses her a wide smile before she sees Denis standing next to the stage. She mouths, “what is going on?” And watches as he swallows and shifts nervously in place.

Her heart sinks through a black hole in her chest, and Sergei’s words feel like cement being poured all over her body and trapping her.

“Before we go I would like to be the first to congratulate my two gymnasts Aliya Mustafina and Denis Ablyazin on their engagement!”

Aliya’s world completely shatters and she stops herself from choking. The urge to vomit is taking over her body, making her jaw tense, but before she can do anything Denis is walking onto the stage and helping her stand. Applause and shouts break out through the press pit and they stand side by side for the flashing cameras.

Her hands shake but Denis takes them and leans in to give her cheek a small kiss, taking the opportunity to whisper, “Just smile. It’ll be okay.”

Her lips painfully curl up into the most forced smile of her life, her lips physically hurt and her teeth are clenching so hard she’s going to give herself a migraine.

But she can’t stop herself from shaking, it’s only getting worse as the cameras keep calling to them and she’s very much on the verge of breaking down right there and Denis must sense it because in one movement he’s pulling her aside and out of the conference room.

“Breathe, I’ve got you.”

His words are meaningless to her now as they pass Aly she feels a thousand daggers jam into her body at the absolute look of despair on the love of her life’s face.

Everything is happening so fast yet so slowly, Aliya can’t hear a thing that’s being said to her, her body is now violently shaking as Denis shields her away from the cameras and into the locker rooms.

_You naive, little girl._

Her happiness and confidence had clouded her vision and Sergei noticed her weak spot. He noticed it and she played into his game. She was just a pawn this entire fucking time. Sergei had let her believe she had taken control over her life, how could she have been so foolish?

This was his final way of wrecking her world. And the worst part out of all? In the end his only true reasoning behind this is for Aliya to know that he controls everything and that he always will.

—

 _Please don’t go,_  
_I want you so_


	11. All Through The Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an emotional chapter to say the least, and there's a little bit of violence so trigger warning here. Love you all! Thank you for sticking with this, I hope you're excited for the sequel that I do intend to write if there's still interest in this couple.
> 
> p.s. - the chapter title is from the Sleeping At Last cover of the song "all through the night" I recommend listening!
> 
> xx

_All through the night, I'll be awake and I'll be with you_

—

 

The instant they get away from the cameras and into the safety of the locker room Aliya doesn’t want to be anywhere near Denis, she’s shaking so violently all she can do is attempt to push him away weakly and run to the toilets because her stomach feels like she’s just been sucker punched and her lungs are giving out.

Her heart slamming against her ribcage so hard it beats into her ears with such intensity she wants to scream because the ache isn’t stopping, it’s only getting worse with every passing second.

She falls to her knees in front of the nearest toilet, the pain of her legs hitting the tiled floor doesn’t even register with her as she wretches vigorously, feeling like her guts are crawling their way out of her body. Sobs slowly start to wrack her body and she loses control over her nerves entirely.

Her lungs are constricting in the most painful way, she feels hot and cold all at the same time and her vision is tunneling. The last time she felt even remotely close to this—and the only time she ever has was after reading Aly’s letter in Sochi.

“Aliya, let me help…”

Denis’ voice is trying its best to be calm and soothing but her automatic reflex is to push him away again, there’s no chance in hell right now she can possibly deal with everything she’s feeling and Denis trying to be nice to her is just the cherry on top.

“Don’t!” Aliya grates out through clenched teeth as she finds the strength to shove him into the door of the stall. She stands and wipes at the corner of her mouth, locking eyes with Denis.

“How could you let him do this to me?!” She shoves him again, this time harder, and moves past him to a nearby bench. Her legs won’t carry her that far because they’re absolute jello right now but she sits herself down, Denis looking at her in a combination of sadness and anger.

His shoulders tense, his eyes remaining focused on Aliya, and if it weren't for her own current emotional state right now she would be able to see the obvious despair he too was feeling.

He takes a shaky seat across from her on an adjacent bench and leans forward on his knees, Aliya resisting the urge to punch him right across the face. Right now anger courses through in the strongest current and it terrifies her how strong it is.

“I had no choice. You don't know—“

“So you just let him destroy my life so you could keep your fucking career?!”

Aliya stands so abruptly Denis almost falls off the bench but he keeps his eyes fixated on her while she continues to stand in front of him; the epitome of a breakdown so beautiful it’s hard to tell whether it’s a marvelous or heartbreaking sight. He settles for both.

A fist crashes into the lockers with a splitting crack and makes a huge dent, but Aliya doesn’t even flinch at the sound. Denis stands, his chest heaves and his knuckles are red, but his anger is not towards Aliya.

Aliya isn’t frightened of him, she doesn't have the capacity for any more emotions in her body—and she’s very much on the verge of shutting down.

“You think I want to marry you?! I’ve only ever wanted to marry Ksenia…and you know that, everybody knows that! Fuck! Your life is not the only one he is ruining!”

At the mention of Ksenia Semenova's name Aliya visibly deflates from a wave of guilt, memories of the former gymnast and Denis make their way back into her memory stream, their love for each other was so evident but never acted upon by the two.

Her heart breaks a little for him.

The feelings coursing through the room create a thick unreadable tension within the locker room space. Every sound surrounding them becomes background noise, the only thing they can both hear is the breathing of one another.

“I lose Ksenia and you lose Raisman.”

Denis’ voice comes off as raspy and shallow, his body language showing his defeat.

Aliya’s brain stops functioning around the same time as her lungs do, her vision going black again, the edges turning fuzzy, her only inclination is to blink against the pain. This is a nightmare. It has to be. She's going to wake up and it’s going to be the day of the uneven bar final. This whole thing isn’t real.

Losing Aly was not an option. It never was. She chokes back another sob; her entire body convulsing at just the mere thought of losing Aly.

Aly. She has to talk to Aly. She has to fix everything and quickly before the entire news of their “engagement” gets out to her family. Oh god, her family.

The drop in her stomach almost makes her wretch again, just the very idea of her father terrifies her, it sends an icy pain straight to her heart without a second thought.

How her body even finds the strength to move is a mystery to her, her entire system is shot and her muscles are non existent, but she forces her legs out of the locker room and down the hall to the waiting shuttles.

 

—

 

It takes her a good ten minutes before she feels like she can get off the ground without hurling her organs onto the floor. If it weren't for Simone she probably wouldn’t have made it to the bus, she still doesn’t know how she got here. Every part of her body is on fire, in just such a short time she’s surprised how her entire universe could come down in flames. 

She can’t meet anyone’s eyes the entire ride back to the village, even when Simone erases the distance between them in aisle, the comforting arm of her friend still isn’t enough.

She avoids the sympathetic gaze of Maria, ignores the words Simone is whispering to her, ignores everything because nothing matters anymore. Nothing will ever matter—she had absolutely nothing.

“Do you want me to come up with you?” Simone asks tenderly, her arm never leaving its place around Aly’s shoulders.

She sees it, the small encouraging squeeze that Maria gives Simone, and it shatters her all over again. She’s been here before, she knows everything they’re feeling, the secret looks, the faintest touches that are almost not there, but the fact they are make it that much better.

Her tattered heart is tugged in a million different directions, vulnerability consuming every ounce of her being, she can’t help but swallow against the tears that haven’t spilled yet but threaten to.

With a swift shake of her head she turns to walk to her room. 

She doesn’t leave Simone room to say anything because she should be celebrating her gold right now. She should be celebrating with Maria and the rest of their friends, maybe Aly was spiraling down but that didn’t mean she was going to take her best friend with her.

A few long moments pass before Aly finally gets to her door. Her room feels completely void of any life without Aliya there, her hands hover over the doorknob as she contemplates what she can do now.

It wasn’t more than a day ago Aliya told her she was coming home with her, it wasn’t even a fucking second ago in Aly’s mind. Sergei had torn her entire heart out of her chest in all but two minutes.

The bed creaks under her slightly when she sits tenderly as if she might break into a million pieces at any second. Aly’s brain roils over her fears, her insecurities. She pictures the press conference just hours ago and the way Sergei had stared directly into her eyes when he spoke the word “engagement.”

The urge to throw up is now real and as she stands to close the short distance to the bathroom she stops at the soft knock at her door. Aly turns her head and stares at the piece of wood, unsure whether she should even do this now—because literally and figuratively she would be opening the doors to hell.

But she reaches for the doorknob anyways, turning it ever so slowly.

 

—

 

She fights against the liquid burning behind her eyes, and tries to find her strength but there is none left. Instead of speaking she turns back into her room, leaving the door open for Aliya to enter.

It doesn’t feel the same—not at all. It doesn’t feel like the bedroom she’s spent so many nights in, curled under the sheets, skin and limbs so close they were practically stuck together, kisses and whispers shared between each other and words of devotion muttered into the darkness of night.

No, instead this room feels like a complete stranger Aliya is meeting for the first time and the girl in front of her mirrors that. She bites her lip, closing the door behind her with a soft click, before she makes her way towards Aly but pauses when the other girl takes a seat to look at her.

“Say something…” She begs, pleads, implores of Aly but the other girl just shakes her head, her bottom lip quivering.

When Aly’s first words to her come out in a broken; “I can’t,” Aliya’s knees almost give out beneath her. She struggles to stand, grasps onto the first thing in her vision, but she settles for the wall for minute support.

“I don’t know what to do. I-I thought everything was okay. Please look at me...”

The other small shake that Aly gives Aliya makes her stomach drop, she has to swallow against the bile in her throat once more, but she presses on.

Aly leans over her knees and closes her palms around her forehead, squeezing her eyes shut she continues to listen but remains a ticking time bomb.

“I’m going to find a way—“

“And what? Risk your entire family finding out and hating you? Risk your country denouncing your titles?”

Aliya bites the corner of her lip, her eyes searching the girl bent over her knees in front of her for some kind of answer. “They would find out eventually.”

Aly’s arms shift to cross in front of her chest and she finally turns her eyes up to look at Aliya, weak and huddled against the far wall by her bed, the sight is almost too painful to look at and she finds herself subverting her gaze back to the floor once more.

She doesn’t know what compels her to say it, or even where it comes from but she suspects it’s from the last four years, the last four years of this rollercoaster relationship.

Aly wasn’t sure if she was staring down the barrel of the end of their relationship or the beginning, there’s an an overwhelming anxiety and panic that triggers her, because she knows this feeling, it's too familiar. One of them will always be leaving.

“At least it will be easier for you.” She spits out the words with such venom that Aliya visibly recoils slightly at her tone, the regret instantly settles into Aly's system and she flinches in guilt.

“What did you say?” Aliya straightens up a bit this time, squaring her shoulders as much as she can, fixating her eyes right into Aly’s skull, begging the older girl to just fucking look at her.

But she shouldn’t have wished for that because the moment Aly’s eyes meet Aliya’s she gasps as her chest squeezes impossibly tight, she has to grip her shirt to stop herself from collapsing.

Aly clenches her jaw, staring down the only person that holds every ounce of power over her. 

“It will be easy for you to get over us, it will take longer with me.”

Aliya almost blanches, her spine prickling uneasily as she takes a step closer to Aly’s sitting form, her eyes still boring into her. “What does that even mean?”

Her voice hits Aly like a thousand icicles are dripping from the break in her voice, she strains against the feeling to burst but it’s too late now; something inside her just snaps. She makes a noise like a scoff before standing so suddenly to come face to face with Aliya.

Aly steels herself in front of Aliya and feels the same constriction in her chest. She shakes her head to try to avoid the tears that are now freely spilling but it’s useless.

“Well we both know…we’ve both always known,” Aly starts then the look she gives Aliya is almost like she’s saying “you don’t know?”, it confuses and angers Aliya even further, making her raise an eyebrow in response.

The incredulous scoff that escapes Aly’s mouth drives a knife into Aliya’s heart and she takes a step back from the girl in front of her.

“Aliya, the main fact of our relationship is that I love you more than you love me…which is great news today, because it means you will be able to move on!”

Aly throws her arms up in exasperation, turning away from Aliya because she can't bare to see the hurt she's causing her. The bitterness in her tone does not go unnoticed as she bites her lip, hard enough to almost draw blood. The expression of agony that crosses Aliya’s face makes Aly step back herself.

Just looking at Aliya breaks her fucking heart. Aliya chokes on a sob, her hands flying to her face as she wipes furiously at her eyes. She reaches out to try to steady herself against the wall but the task does not prove easy for her shaking limbs.

“How could you ever say that?” Aliya’s voice is cracked, broken and quiet when she finally addresses Aly after what feels like an eternity of the two of them standing in the tension of the room.

Aly feels dizzy, dazed, unreal, and she forget that she still hasn’t and still can’t forgive herself for abandoning Aliya. It's suddenly far more important for Aly to realize that Aliya leaving could very well bring about her own death.

“Aly, you left _me_!”

“I spent four years trying to fix myself so I could be the woman you deserve,” Aly fights against her emotion for the strength she needs to continue, her fists clenching so hard her knuckles turn snow white.

“You’re perfect, and just every fucking thing under the sun! How could I ever make you happy if we were worlds apart? I couldn’t do it—I love you more than I love myself and I couldn’t fucking do it, Aliya! I walked away because I had to, I had to or else I wouldn’t have been able to save us when the time came and at the time that seemed like a lot less painful than sticking around to watch us go down in flames. I tried to contact you but you cut me out!”

They’re both sobbing now, but neither can offer the other comfort and that makes them both cry even harder. Aly’s bottom lip quivers so hard her face scrunches up slightly when she cries, she tries to draw a steady breath in but her entire ribcage feels like it’s collapsing into itself.

“You got over me before, and you’ll do it again, you’ll go back to Russia a star and marry Denis, have a bunch of kids, and _forget_ about me!”

Aly’s words are bitter and she knows it, she knows they’re harsher than she wants but if this is really it she has to make Aliya hate her, she has to make her hate her so much so Aly will be forced to have a reason to never think of her again.

Aliya doesn’t hold back, her anger bubbles to the surface and she has to say what she wants to say because she's waited too long to not show Aly how utterly heartbroken she left her two years ago.

“Don’t you dare say that to me, don’t you ever dare.”

It feels like forever that Aliya is struggling to breathe again. Numbness steels over her, the world retreats behind a curtain of cold and black and Aly’s words replay in her head like a torture method, and Aliya is oblivious to everything but the girl in front of her—the only thing in life she’ll ever want or need.

“I waited two years for you! I spent those years waiting by my window at the Lake hoping you would come and rescue me eventually—“

Aly softens at the absolute pure vulnerability Aliya is expressing right now, she looks smaller than ever, she looks like seventeen year old Aliya.

“Aliya-“

“I waited for you even after you left me! Don’t you think for a second that I _got over you_. You walked away, you couldn't even face me! Because of that I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do; I gave you up!”

Aly’s still struggling to breathe past the vise stilling her heart, past the panic and the fear and the pain flooding her veins, past a regret of her words that somehow weigh on her more than anything else right now.

“Medals, Russia, my family, my friends, my gym; they are nothing to me. I was nothing without you!”

She involuntarily chokes in pain and guilt at Aliya’s words. Aliya’s eyes are hollow and empty, which causes Aly to flinch just looking at them.

“Don’t you dare try to say you love me more, don’t talk to me about why you left, because everything you did is nothing, Aly, nothing compared to me giving you up!”

Aly takes an immediate step forward, reaching out her hand to pull Aliya in but she moves away roughly, shaking her head.

“Don’t touch me!”

She shakes her head before reaching forward to hold her again but Aliya moves even further away, crushing her back against the wall like Aly is the plague.

Aly stops and just watches her, she doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t know how to react. She doesn’t know how to translate into words the roil of emotion tossing her insides and pulverizing her bones to dust.

They're both humming with emotions, both shaking so hard they don't know whether it's in anger, heartbreak, fear or all three. 

Aliya never stopped loving her. She never will. Even when Aly had slammed the door on their relationship she had stayed in love with her. Aliya's right, everything Aly did is nothing compared to the things she had to give up.

Aly was going to hold onto Aliya forever, and she was going to prove that now.

Aliya still feels like she is moving through mud, like there is a strong, persistent resistance to the very air around her as she sits up against the wall and makes herself look at Aly. She doesn’t know where to go from here and she’s pretty sure Aly doesn’t have a clue either.

There’s only one thing they know, they can both see it in each other and they’re not really sure who initiates it but in a flash they’re crashing together like two colliding astroids. They hit hard and burst together.

Teeth, tongue, lips, limbs are entwining, clothes flying onto the floor so quickly Aliya finds herself on her back in seconds.

Aly yanks at her sweats like they’re burning Aliya’s skin, ripping them off so cleanly she doesn’t waste anytime in doing the same to her underwear before she spreads her legs wide and falls between them.

Aliya wastes no time herself in helping Aly with her own clothes and makes sure her gold medal makes a loud clattering sound when it hits the ground.

Their skin is blazing and just touching each other is lighting a fire inside of Aliya but it’s not enough. Aly’s arms around her, Aly’s scent, thick and saturating, Aly’s bare skin folded over hers, it’s overwhelming, it’s devastating, it’s staggering, but it’s not enough. Aliya needs more.

Aliya and Aly are pressed so closely together they leave no room for anything to come between them, Aly’s arms wrapping around her so tight she can feel herself to bruise under the possessive pressure of her fingertips.

Nothing else matters to Aliya in this world alone but Aly Raisman. 

—

 

The sound of their heartbeats are so loud they hear nothing else in the silence except each other while they lay side by side on top of the sheets, their chests rising and falling rapidly. Aly is the first to sit up after a few minutes and stretch her back, Aliya watching her shoulder muscles flex and move in the semi-dark space. 

She doesn’t know if she has the strength to even lift her body off the smooth mattress, it feels like a cloud on her fatigued body but the sound of her familiar ringtone blaring somewhere under their pile of clothes prompts her to sit up.

Aly looks in her direction, watching Aliya rifle through their scattered items for the ringing object while she stays on the bed, her body tight with nerves. Aliya’s eyes go dark when she reads the caller ID, her throat constricting in a rigid swallow before she puts the phone to her ear.

“Papa.”

Aly freezes in place, unable to take her eyes off of Aliya’s stoic figure, her own showing a look of absolute fear. Aliya is speaking lowly in Russian but Aliya hadn’t been the only one mastering a new language over the years. Russian was complicated but Aly put in the hours and right now it was paying off, but in the worst way possible.

“Aliya! Sergei called to tell us about the engagement personally. I am so proud and happy for you!”

“Papa it’s—“

“Your mother is already looking at flowers, dresses, and venues. When you return we will show you them!”

Aliya tears her eyes away from Aly and turns towards the window, running an agitated hand through her hair. “Papa please-“

“Have you thought about where you’ll live with him? I should buy you two a trophy case for your medals!”

“Stop!”

She doesn’t mean for her voice to sound so forceful but she needs to say something, no matter how this is going to go; she needs to do it and do it now before it’s too late.

“I can’t marry him. I don’t want to marry him.”

“Aliya…”

“I can’t go back to Russia and become his wife.”

There’s a pause on the other end of the line, Aly holding her breath like it might just be her last, and she wants to reach out and hold Aliya but her mind is trying to translate every word as fast as she can.

“Is it because of that American gymnast?” Aliya blinks, switching the phone to her other ear, the sinking feeling from earlier coming back to her stomach. “How did you-?”

“Sergei mentioned it to me a while ago. I did not want to believe it and thought he was just pulling my leg because no daughter of mine is gay. You are Aliya Mustafina, you belong in Russia and nowhere else.”

Her father’s words issue a white hot flash of pain lashing over her entire body, she has to hold her chest again to stop herself from sobbing.

“I will never belong somewhere that does not accept me.”

She hears Farhat cough, realizing her mother is probably listening on the other line but she continues, this time in English which she knows they both understand to a degree.

“I love her.”

“Aliya, you’re playing a very dangerous game with this phase of yours, I’d step back before you do something you’ll regret.”

She inhales sharply, not really sure of the next few sentences that come out of her mouth because her entire childhood and her country were becoming a blurry, distant memory of the past.

“This is not a phase, papa. I don’t expect anything from you so if this is goodbye then so be it, but please think about Viktor, think about what you lost and please don't push me away in the same manner. I’ve spent my entire life never feeling true happiness and now that I have it—you want me to leave it. I love you, mama and Naliya, I love you so much, but I’m finally  _happy_."

She was holding out her hand, begging her father to take it. A small shred of her was trying to get him to understand that he can be different this time, she's not Viktor she's his daughter, who's standing here begging for her family's support. 

"Please papa, I know you feel guilt over Viktor. I know it. This time can be different. I have happiness, please don't take that from me..."

There’s another pause, and Aliya is really starting to fucking hate silence these days, then she hears her mother hang up on the other end. 

“Goodbye, Aliya.” Farhat mutters brokenly before the line goes completely dead, her phone falling from her hand and onto the ground.

 

—

 

“Aliya…?”

Aly tentatively takes a step towards the other girl, her heart still in a vice grip, a turmoil of emotion going through her right now at what she just witnessed.

“He said goodbye.”

Aly pales instantly, her eyes flying to the discarded phone on the ground then back to her. Aliya’s voice is scratchy and almost unreadable when she finally speaks.

“He doesn’t get to do this.”

“Aliya, I’m so s-“

Before she can even finish Aliya is yanking her clothes on haphazardly and she only manages to get into her sports bra, pants and shoes before she’s out the door in a flash, leaving Aly to blubber like a fish.

“Aliya—where are you…wait!”

Aly panics looking for her own clothes, throwing on her nearest hoodie and pants before she’s racing after the girl who’s moving at a pretty impressive speed down the hallway to the other side of the village. She doesn’t know what’s suddenly possessed Aliya but it just makes her run faster.

“Aliya! What are you doing?!” She shouts after her, not caring who hears or who wakes up but as she passes the side of the corridor that Simone’s on she notices her door open and the girl poking her head out.

“Aly, what the hell?!”

Aly throws her arms up and continues to follow Aliya, Simone narrows her eyes before watching Aly continue to chase the Russian down the hallway.

It only registers with Aly a second before they arrive that Aliya was going to Sergei’s room.

“Aliya, no!” She starts in a sprint towards the other girl in an attempt to stop her but the door flies open and the smug smirk he gives Aliya makes Aly’s entire body pale and she stops in her tracks to stare at the man that has singlehandedly tried to ruin her entire existence.

“Have you said goodbye to your filthy American?”

“You…” Aliya clenches her jaw, finally letting her anger control her.

A beat doesn’t even pass before her fist flies straight into Sergei’s smug face, a cracking sound filling the room. The gasp of shock that falls from his lips is one of the most beautiful sounds Aly has ever heard and as he stumbles back into his room, Aliya follows to quickly give a hard kick straight to his crotch.

“You little bitch!” Sergei spits venomously, groaning as he holds his balls and tries to search for any shred of dignity he might have left after this. 

Gymnasts might be small but years of training and conditioning can have amazing effects on the strength of the body. Something Sergei had to find out the hard way.

Aliya bends down to grab his collar but the taller man makes a quick recovery and slams his entire body against Aliya’s small frame, catching her off guard, and forcing her against the wall. Aliya lets out a gag as the air is knocked straight out of her but she steels herself although unable to find the strength to push him off.

This entire time Aly has been frozen but the sight of Sergei laying a finger on Aliya sends a flash through her, then suddenly she’s running into him and shouting. She drives herself forward so hard she manages to shove him off Aliya, watching as his large frame stumbles back once more at the force of her 5’2” body.

He sneers at Aly like she’s nothing before he lunges back at Aliya, his leg striking out like a bullet straight into Aliya’s knee. The scream of horror that bursts from Aly pierces the empty hallway, probably waking up the entire village, but then Aliya is buckling to the ground and all she can see is red. The pain catches up to her and consumes her entire frame, her vision starts to blur a bit, a scream of agony rupturing from her throat.

“Aliya!”

Aly throws herself to the ground next to her, wrapping her arms around her shoulders protectively, her eyes lifting to the satisfied look crossing Sergei’s face before he lifts his leg again, Aly preparing herself for the pain but when none comes she looks up when she hears frantic voices round the corner down the hallway.

“In there, Marta! I heard Aly screaming!”

Simone Biles to the fucking rescue. Sergei stops and backs away from the door, Simone appearing with Marta, Evgeny and two security guards. Marta looks at the scene horrified and runs to Aly and Aliya instantly, Evgeny pushing into the room to grab Sergei by the collar of his shirt.

“You better have a good fucking explanation, Sergei!” 

For the first time in his life Sergei stutters, completely scared shitless at Evgeny’s towering figure. The man was like a giant protective bear.

“I-I” Sergei motions to Aliya and Aly but Evgeny’s eyes boring into his make him cower away entirely.

“I saw Aliya come in here to talk to him and then the next second he was beating her.” Aly speaks lowly, her arms still wrapped tightly around Aliya’s shaking form. Evgeny looks between Sergei and Aly, Sergei interjecting angrily,

“Don’t listen fucking listen to a word she says! They’re fucking dykes-“

Evgeny shakes him by the collar so violently Aly swears anymore force would have snapped Sergei’s neck in two. He puts his face so close to Sergei’s their noses are touching and the next word he whispers so fiercely it could physically burn one’s skin.

“Don’t you dare show your face in my gym or any gym ever again. You are nothing.”

He says his last word with a pointed shove before nodding to security. “Leave your jacket and uniform. You’ll be lucky if you don’t get thrown in jail here.”

Sergei doesn’t even get a word out, the security guards grabbing him by the shoulders to handcuff him, he shouts and protests but the sounds soon fade fade down the hallway.

Evgeny watches him go then faces Aliya, kneeling beside them to frame her pale cheeks in his hands. She tries to look at him but her vision isn’t focusing correctly and the whole time she’s been clutching her knee, her nails digging in so hard it’s almost drawing blood but she can’t feel a thing.

“Alka, it’s okay, we’ve got you…” Aliya is shaking so fiercely she’s having a hard time responding and the way Aly is holding her says all he needs to know right now. He kisses her forehead, smoothing her hair.

“We need to get her to the medical area to have her knee checked.” Marta says firmly, standing to help Aly up, Evgeny agreeing as he easily scoops Aliya into his strong arms. She holds onto him like her lifeline, hissing when Marta runs a gentle finger over her leg.

Her jaw is chattering, her whole body feels like an iceberg and she hears Marta mention something about shock but she’s too distracted reaching blindly for Aly, needing her to just touch her to know she's there. She’s sinking and she can’t swim on her own right now.

“I'm here, just hang onto my hand…” Aly whispers to her, walking step in step with Evgeny, Marta and Simone following on their heels. She kisses Aliya’s forehead soothingly, holding onto her hand the entire time even when she feels the world going black she keeps talking to her.

Aly watches like a hawk as one of the doctors examines Aliya, she watches everything as they conclude her knee is just a little bruised and fragile but nothing is torn or broken from the impact.

She watches a nurse give Aliya something to help her calm down, watches her start to fall asleep against the small medical cot, and even though she wants to talk to her she's grateful the shaking in her body is starting to subside, and she lays curled together gently she looks so small and fragile.

The nurse suggests she spend the night incase she needs more assistance and before she can even finish her sentence Aly has already pulled a chair up right beside the bed.

Marta gives her a reproachful look, saying she should also be examined for any wounds but she remains sitting in the chair, with one hand closed around Aliya’s hand just to remind herself that Aliya is physically here and alive. Breathing.

Evgeny and Marta discuss the authorities arriving tomorrow to talk to them as they leave the girls in the room, Simone stays for a few minutes afterwards once everyone else is gone from the room she pulls Aly into the tightest hug, inhaling into her shoulder.

“You scared the shit out of me, grandma.”

Aly hugs her best friend back before returning to her seat right next to the bed. She gives Simone a thankful look, regretting not being able to really form a cohesive sentence right now but Simone understands and gives her one last squeeze before leaving with the promise to come back first thing in the morning.

Aly doesn’t sleep that night, instead she stays curled uncomfortably on the small chair, just in case Aliya needs her at all during the night, with one hand closed over Aliya’s wrist just to remind herself that Aliya is physically here and alive.

Even after the nurse shuts the light off and soaks the room in darkness, Aly's eyes still remained fixed on Aliya's unmoving form.

She still feels like she is in a daze, like all of this never happened and the last six hours weren't real.

She hopes Aliya doesn’t mind, but now she can’t let go. Her heart is still wrapped in a cold, hard vise and only the slow, steady, subtle beat in the vein under her thumb, only the warmth of Aliya’s skin against her own, reminds her to stay there…breathing…surviving...

—

 _Once we start a meter clicks,_  
_and it goes running all through the night_


	12. All We Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!! First of all I'm so, so sorry it took me this long to update. I'm getting all muddled up with school and what not but here is the second to last chapter!
> 
> I will be posting the epilogue soon and then not too long after I hope to post the prologue to the sequel. I'm not done with this couple just yet!
> 
> Thank you for your overwhelming support this fic has gotten, I write this for you and I hope it has been satisfactory!
> 
> xx

_ We've passed the end, so we chase forever,  
'cause this is all we know _

—

 

“Welcome back to the 2016 Rio Olympics, thank you for joining us. Today we have some devastating breaking news; last night at around 2am, Russian gymnastics coach Sergei Starkin assaulted gymnasts Aly Raisman and Aliya Mustafina in the Olympic village. We are told the police arrived with Marta Karolyi shortly after and the two women were brought to the medical wing and have been reported with no major injuries.”

“Head Russian coach Evgeny Grebenkin issued a statement this morning saying Starkin has been forced to resign and is undergoing investigation by the Russian Federation for months of physical abuse towards his athletes Aliya Mustafina and Denis Ablyazin.”

“Mustafina has done so amazingly in the games this year it’s heartbreaking to hear behind her success she has undergone months of this abuse from her coach, but I’m glad this has finally come to an end and hopefully the two gymnasts can try to find peace and recover. There are more reports saying Starkin could also be under investigation in Brazil for illegal drug handling.”

“In our last bit of news today; Denis Ablyazin released another statement this morning discussing the steps he’s going to be taking for him and Mustafina in order to heal from this traumatic situation, in the meantime he has called off their engagement so the two can have time to work on their mental heath. We will have more as reports continue to come in, thank you I’m Hoda Kotb with Bob Costas for the NBC Olympic coverage.”

 

—

 

She fiddles with the remote before the screen of the TV in front of her goes black. She tosses it to the side of the bed, making sure to avoid the ice pack wrapped around her knee. The cold numbness that has taken over most of her upper leg is beginning to annoy her and she moves to unwrap the ice before a voice stops her.

“You have five more minutes with it, Aliya…”

Aly’s stern yet gentle voice makes her hand pause and she pulls back with an annoyed groan that makes Aly giggle lightheartedly. Aly’s stood in the doorway from the bathroom with a small smile on her face, just knowing Aliya is in her room safe and healing is what is keeping her sane right now.

“Leg is numb.” Aliya mutters with annoyance, shifting her shoulders against the headboard behind her. Aly smiles sympathetically, hesitantly making her way to sit on the side of the bed, careful not to jostle her knee too much.

They had been released from the medical wing earlier that morning and despite Aly’s protests Aliya had made sure she went to her afternoon training session. She may not have any more events to compete in but Aly still had the floor final and she wasn’t going to let her fall behind on her training.

Once Aliya had been settled into Aly’s room with Maria staying with her for a little Aly felt confident enough to leave her alone, even though Aliya also felt this sudden clinginess to her she still pushed her back to the gym.

They hadn’t had time to talk about everything, Aliya’s family, Sergei, Denis, all of it. Aly was so on edge she didn’t know where they stood but just Aliya being here right now, tucked up in her bed had to mean something.

A few beats pass before Aliya lifts her eyes to meet Aly’s, reaching to link their fingers over her knee. The action makes Aly’s heart leap and a surge of hope fills her, making her lips twitch into a smile.

“I hate that you abandoned me.”

It stuns Aly out of her daze of happiness and brings her back to the present but Aliya is still holding her hand and she clings to it with both of hers. She has to listen, no matter how much it will fucking hurt she’s not going to run away anymore—she won’t make the same mistake she did two years ago.

She faces Aliya, her eyes swirling with anxiety but Aliya leans in and kisses her cheek to reassure her before she settles back and inhales

Light brown hair obscures most of her face. Her chin is now tilted downward, her expression is raw, and she is split so wide open Aly thinks if she looks hard enough, she’ll be able to see Aliya’s pain running angry and red and swollen all through her body.

“Me too,” Aly whispers into the air because it's the truth. She hates that she abandoned Aliya out of fear, she hates that she couldn't face her in the end, it haunts her everyday. Aliya finally looks back to her, her eyes mirroring the same anxiety and unsureness in Aly’s.

“I don’t know if I have fully forgiven you yet,” Aliya pauses to gauge Aly’s reaction but the other girl just nods for her to continue because she understands. She understands more than ever and even though it hurts to hear she feels relieved because if they can have these conversations then they can work on it and fix it.

“But I’ll love you forever, and that’s more important...” Aliya leans in without warning and presses her soft lips against Aly’s with such a softness it makes them both melt. It’s like the first time they kissed.

Aly is the first to speak once they’ve pulled away, the sadness from earlier is still piling up in her stomach and she has to let Aliya know she’s going to do everything she can to help her. “Your family, I’m so sorry-I want to help, I just don’t know…”

Aliya shakes her head, leaning her chin on Aly’s shoulder with a small kiss to her jaw. “You are my family.” Aly pulls her closer with a fierce nod, she’d never let Aliya feel alone again, because they had each other now. Forever.

“Maybe one day, they will be happy for me…I hope for it, but for now I will take it day by day.”

Aliya cracks a sad smile but remembers if in the end it had come to Russia or Aly she would have chosen Aly. Always. There was no other choice she had even if she wanted one, and she still knew even with Sergei out of the way there was a lot she still had to face but maybe the worst of it was over.

“Evgeny says I can continue at the Lake if I want to compete in Tokyo or the next Worlds—he’ll find a way to work it out once I move to America…I am surprised at his reaction but it warms me…he supports me.” The grin that flies across Aliya’s face makes Aly’s heart jump with joy, just seeing her so _happy_ makes everything worth it. It makes the last two years without her worth it if this was going to be their outcome.

Her heart is so warm and full, they’re both healing and more importantly they’re doing it together. Aly had also been surprised at Evgeny’s nonchalant reaction to them but then again she should have expected it from the teddy bear of a man, yet it still surprised her when he hadn’t even thought twice about letting Aliya know she still always had a place in his gym.

“I can’t wait to get home.”

Aly presses her lips into Aliya’s hair and squeezes her tighter into her chest. A jump of excitement collides through Aliya’s body, her eyes widen a little and her smile doesn’t go away as she repeats the word that has never really meant anything to her up until now, because without Aly it had no meaning;

“Home.”

 

—

 

_ The sound of her zipper going up and down resonates in her ears, her fingers fiddling with the latch obsessively as she stares ahead at the large flat screen screen in front of her. She swallows nervously and glances around at the faces of her siblings, her parent’s in the next room preparing dinner. _

_They were sat in the den watching re runs of the 2012 Olympics, she had barely gotten home a week ago from London and by then she was so sick of watching herself or any of the competition but her siblings had of course insisted on watching the team all around._

_“Dinner in ten!” Lynn’s voice filters into the den where the Raisman kids make small sounds of acknowledgment before their attention turned back to the large flat screen. Aly cranes her neck to the kitchen, watching her parents cooking and chatting with each other, the sounds of the TV are long muted in her head._

_She sees them laughing and smiling, something that may be gone in just a couple of minutes. She has to tell them tonight or else she won't ever do it. The anxiety that sits in her gut is too much and she even finds herself shaking, thankful no one has noticed her weird behavior for the last few days._

_She has been so jittery, like coffee was constantly toiling around in her system and she was thankful no one had really noticed, they were probably still on the high of coming back from London._

_Everyone was but that had long faded but Aly, she was on a different high; the high of Aliya Mustafina._

_“It’s ready!” Lynn’s calls into the kids as all of them rise automatically and hustle to the dining room towards the enticing smell of a roast._

_“We made Aly’s favorite because she’s our Olympic champion!”_

_Aly follows closely behind Chloe, smiling at the younger girl as they all take their seats at the table. “It looks great, mom.” She forces a small smile, hiding her shaky hands under the table as Lynn starts to dish everyone a plate._

_Everything is silent for a few minutes, everyone just enjoying their food instead of making small talk but she still feels all her sibling’s eyes on her, as if they were imploring her to say something._

_“Honey, you’ve been so quiet since we got back, that’s not like you is everything okay?”_

_Aly nods almost took quickly to her father, forcing another smile before taking a large bite of mashed potatoes, Rick narrowing his eyes at her. Brett is the first to speak up, casting Aly a worried look._

_“Really, Al, you’ve been acting so jittery since we got back. Did something happen in London?”_

_She doesn’t even have to look up from her plate to know her family’s eyes are on her. Aly swallows and tries to shake off their stares, pushing some broccoli around on her plate. Her patience is thinning and she might as well just say it but another part of her is running away to hide._

_ “Sweetie, are you sick or—“ _

_“No I’m just gay!”_

_It comes out so quickly a small part of her thinks no one heard her but Chloe’s fork clattering onto her plate is the definite indication they all heard her. She closes her eyes, bracing herself for the disappointed looks she knows she’s going to see on her family’s face but when she reopens her eyes she’s greeted with the exact opposite._

_“You owe me twenty bucks, Brett.” Madison points a finger at her brother, the boy rolling his eyes as he reaches into his pocket. Aly opens and closes her mouth a couple of times, Rick giving her an amused look that kind of pisses her off but she’s just grateful they’re not particularly upset._

_Lynn reaches across from her and takes her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Honey, we know.”_

_Aly blinks rapidly, making sure she doesn’t wake up soon from this dream like state she feels like she’s in currently._

_“What?”_

_Rick gives her a knowing look over the rim of his wine glass before Lynn smiles gently and sets her own glass down. “Aly, we’re your parents we can tell these things. We know Mihai doesn’t let you date when you’re in training but it’s not like you’ve ever expressed interest in men when you had the chance.”_

_Aly blanches, completely taken aback by what’s going on right now and she looks to her siblings to see their take but when they nod their heads in agreement with Lynn she really feels like she’s going to pass out._

_Madison pushes her glass of water closer to her, Aly giving her a thankful look as she takes large gulps, her parent’s watching her closely._

_She can’t tell whether she wants to cry in happiness or be pissed off she hyped herself up and had all this anxiety for weeks for nothing. She sets the glass down shakily and looks between Rick and Lynn._

_“You’re…you’re not disappointed or something like that?”_

_Lynn scoffs, Rick chuckling into his wine glass while Madison leans over beside her and hugs her tightly. Her mother shakes her head and gives her hand another firm squeeze._

_“Aly, how could we ever be disappointed in you being who you are? We love every bit of you and we’ll support you no matter what.”_

_She feels herself crying a bit now, but she doesn’t reach to catch the tear that falls from her eye. She just settles on smiling at the people sitting around the table, her heart swells and she finally feels a weight fly off her shoulders._

_“Your mother and I would never try to take happiness from you.”_

 

—

 

“Tomorrow’s the floor final and then we’re done.” Aly smiles into Aliya’s hair, pressing small kisses to her scalp while they sit together on her bed, flipping through TV channels absently. 

Aliya nods under Aly’s lips, flipping the screen off before she rolls over and smiles up at her girlfriend. “Are you sad you’re done with all your events?”

She thinks for a second, her mind flashing to the gold medal on the desk a few feet away. She glances to Aly and shrugs  her shoulders lightly. “Yes and no—I’m proud of all I have done, but kind of sad it’s over.”

Aly hadn’t really thought a lot yet about whether she would come back for Tokyo or not. She thought coming from London that she wouldn’t even be back for Rio but that had all changed and now here she was, probably thinking she wasn’t going to worry about Tokyo but for some reason during the past few days she had thought about nothing more than doing it.

She already had another round of Olympic medals, she had Aliya, it was all so good that stopping didn’t really seem possible right now—she wanted to go all the way, wanted to imprint herself into the very essence of the Olympics.

“Do you want to compete in Tokyo?” Aly steals another kiss from Aliya before she pulls back to let the younger girl answer. She sees a series of emotions intertwine and cross Aliya’s face. She doesn't know what it would be like for herself to compete and for Aliya to not.

A part of her would be heartbroken if the world never got to see Aliya Mustafina compete again. She would also be saddened if she never saw Aliya compete again, it made her so happy and she was so fucking good at it.

“I am not sure. I'd like to but I won’t compete under any other flag than the Russian one, I’m not sure where I stand with my country right now.”

Aly nods in understanding, dancing her fingers along Aliya’s arm, nuzzling into her neck with a deep breath. “Hopefully Evgeny can help you, if you choose to. I’ll support anything you do—even if it means you have to go to Russia to train. I’ll follow.”

Aliya lets a wide grin split her face as she leans up and presses their lips together tightly, framing Aly’s face between her palms. “I think you should go for Tokyo, you only get better every year.”

She whispers the words of encouragement against Aly’s lips and hopes she can truly show the girl how prideful of her she is. No matter what decision Aly makes in the end she would always have Aliya’s support, but the Russian knows more than anyone that Aly wants this, even if Aly doesn’t even know herself.

“You think so?”

“I believe in you more than anything. I’ll even wear a USA jacket to support you.”

Aly squeals in disbelief and presses into Aliya firmly, running her hand down her spine to pull her against her chest. “I’m holding you to that!” She tickles the insides of Aliya’s ribs, sending the girl into a wiggling fit as they both explode with laughter, excitement and most importantly pure happiness.

 

—

 

Simone’s fall on the beam makes the entire crowd bristle in anticipation, her gold is lost but she can still make it to the podium. Even though her mistake will cost her her score on beam is so high she’ll still be able to take bronze or silver.

Maria finally takes her eyes away from the scoreboard and relaxes back in her seat, Aliya leaning forward next to her as they watch the competition continue. When Maria says it she should have anticipated how much it would hurt, but she didn’t know her words would effect her this much.

“You’re leaving then?”

She doesn’t look at Maria for a few seconds, concentrating on the pixels of the scoreboard but eventually turns her sad eyes to her best friend, biting her lip in guilt. 

“Yes.”

Maria sucks in a sharp breath, taking Aliya’s hand in her own automatically. She doesn’t say anything for a while but Aliya doesn’t feel anxiety from the silence, she knows this is Maria’s way of processing, and she herself is anxious over leaving her best friend.

“I’ll miss you.”

Aliya leans in and places a soft kiss to Maria’s cheek, sighing. “I’ll miss you too, so much…”

Maria looks down, trying to hide the fact that she was on the verge of tears. This was all she had known since she was young, and now a part of her childhood, her being, was leaving and maybe never coming back.

“Will you ever come back?”

Aliya shakes her head, trying to fight back her own tears threatening to spill. She had done more crying in the last two weeks than her entire life. She was still surprised her body had tears left to produce.

“I hope to.”

Maria lifts her eyes up to lock into Aliya’s and she finally sees the hurt rolling around in Maria’s pupils. She wishes more than anything that she could take Maria with her, but she knows that’s beside the point. She’s not even sure she wants to ask about Simone right now because Maria doesn’t need a reminder that she’s losing two people when the games are over.

“Are you going to tell Seda and Angelina?”

Aliya shakes her head once more, wrapping her arm around Maria’s shoulders comfortingly. “No, not the whole story. They’re too young to understand right now.”

“I know they’ll miss you too.” Maria leans her head into Aliya’s with a small hiccup, wiping at her eyes with the sleeve of her jacket.

“I’ll tell them that you are happy. They will understand.” Aliya gives her a grateful squeeze, letting out a long sigh as they watch the last gymnast wrap up her beam routine, the judges calculating the final scores.

“You will come visit me—you are always welcome with Aly and I. I’m sorry I can’t take you with me.”

Maria smiles widely, a watery giggle escaping her as she sniffs, sitting up in her seat once more. She looks at her friend and can physically feel the happiness rolling off of her. All she’s ever wanted for Aliya is pure happiness and Aly was that for her.

No matter how far Aliya went Maria would eventually follow but perhaps this was a path she wasn’t able to follow her down this time, and that breaks her. She didn’t have much in Russia herself. Her father had left a long time ago and her mother hopped around from guy to guy and kind of resented her.

Gymnastics was her escape from her troubled home life, she didn’t speak of it often but she had fought long and hard to make something of herself. If Aliya could get out maybe there was hope for her one day too.

“I will save up all my money to come see you.” She bumps her forehead affectionately against Aliya, and anyone from afar might think it was a romantic gesture but between the two of them it was the strongest bond of friendship either of them had. Maria was her person.

“We’ll be leaving before the closing ceremony, I expect the Americans will stay for it. Simone is going to be holding the flag.” Maria smiles proudly down at the girl in the arena, her heart fluttering a bit at the sight of Simone’s bronze medal win.

Even when the girl made a mistake in her routine she was still able to place. She was the most amazing person Maria had ever been in the presence of. It rocked her to the core in all the best ways.

Aliya claps along with the crowd as the medals are presented to the three champions before she turns back to Maria. “I’ll help you all pack after the floor final, I won’t let you go without saying goodbye.”

They both linger on that word; goodbye. They let it anchor them but it also creates starts a rift in their already fragile hearts. Aliya feels her chest squeeze but she won’t let herself cry anymore. This is a happy time even though she’s letting go of certain things, this was the next chapter of her life.

Maria will have her own soon, she would figure things out and Aliya would be there for her every step of the way no matter what country she was in.

 

—

 

Aly’s still buzzing on the high from placing second on the floor exercise. Adrenaline is coursing through her veins as she waves to the crowd next to Simone while they step off the podium to greet the press cameras off the stage. She holds up her silver medal proudly, biting into the metal as they do traditionally for photos, the taste of the silver resonating on her lips in the best way.

“Aly! How do you feel achieving another medal in the floor exercise?”

Microphones and cameras shove up in her and Simone’s face and she tries to put on a smile as they try to move forward towards the press room.

“I feel great! I’m glad I could improve from London, I just keep getting better and it’s only up from here!”

She doesn’t have a chance to answer anymore questions because Mihai is ushering her away from the cameras to gather her things. “Aly, Aly, will you be coming back for Tokyo in 2020?!”

The shouts from the reporters drown out behind her only to be replaced with the oncoming questions from the ones inside the conference room. She gets into her USA jacket, following Simone up to the table as they take their seats.

The questions are nothing new, and she answers them with poise but all she can think about is it’s all over. Her and Aliya can go home soon. Their lives can finally start together. That’s the only thing getting her through this mess; she’s proud of herself but she wants to relax. She wants to lie down and preferably with Aliya for a long, long time.

“Aly, we’re so glad to see you’ve been able to compete even after your incident with Sergei Starkin, how are you and Aliya Mustafina holding up and how do you feel about the charges being brought against Starkin?”

Her shoulders instantly tense and she averts her eyes straight to the journalist, Simone squeezing her knee under the table.

“I’m doing fine thank you and so is Aliya. I’m glad that justice will be delivered to the victims for all of Sergei’s abuse.”

The moderator clearly senses Aly’s unease with the question and holds up her hand when the journalist tries to inquire more. “There will be no more questions on this topic.” She sends a grateful glance to the moderator and sits back in her seat, taking a sip from her water.

She fields a few more questions, Simone getting the bulk of them to no one’s surprise so she sits back and hopes this will all come to an end soon. Her knee bounces anxiously under the table, her ability to listen to and answer questions is slowly fading from a combination of exhaustion and her adrenaline high coming down.

She looks to the moderator as they finally end the onslaught of questions and the conference comes to an end. She stands on tired legs, giving one last wave to the press pit before she follows Simone out of the room and finally into her new life.

 

—

 

“Here.”

Aliya reaches out and stops Maria from zipping up her suitcase the other girl giving her a quizzical look. Maria watches as Aliya takes out a familiar looking object before she places her gold medal from London on top of the folded clothes.

Maria’s eyes widen before she quickly shakes her head, handing it back to Aliya in a flustered movement, practically shoving it at her.

“Alka, no, it’s yours…”

“No-“

Aliya shakes her head in return and gently places it back into her suitcase, a small smile on her face. “I want you to have it for now—so you have a piece of me in Russia. One day I’ll get this back from you.”

It’s a silent promise between the two of them that doesn’t even have to be explained. Aliya is giving Maria a part of her; a part of her that is promising Maria one day she will come back for her.

“Alka…”

Maria wipes at the corner of her eye, being careful of her makeup as Aliya pulls her into a tight hug. She had managed to get through hours of packing without breaking but now she feels her resolve fading, everything was happening too quickly.

Barely two weeks ago hey had arrived in the Rio airport, still surprised that Russia had been cleared to go and now here they are, ready to go back to Russia but this time Maria was leaving something behind.

“Remember to call?”

Maria nods rapidly, zipping up the rest of her bags when they pull away from each other. Evgeny calls down the hallway to give everyone a ten minute warning before they have to board the airport shuttles.

Aliya kisses her forehead and hands her her team jacket with a sad smile. Maria links their hands as they walk into the hallway where the other team members are filtering into towards the buses.

“Check your pocket later, there’s something in there from someone.”

Maria quirks an eyebrow and feels a small lump in the left pocket but before she question it Aliya is pulling her into another tight hug, pouring everything she has into it. She whispers gently into Maria’s ear, squeezing her eyes shut.

“Ya budu s toboy. Vsegda.” _I’ll be with you. Always._

Aliya walks her all the way to the entrance as she thanks the driver for taking her suitcase. They stare at each other for a few heartbeats, Maria memorizing every part of Aliya’s being while she does the exact same. There was no other spirit in the world like Aliya, she was so vastly unique Maria knows for the rest of her life she would never meet anyone that compared.

“Never goodbye, always see you soon.”

Maria lets out a watery chuckle at Aliya’s phrase and hugs her once more with a firm nod repeating the words for solidification; “Never goodbye.”

Maria glances over her shoulder once more at Aliya’s figure before getting onto the bus. The emptiness starts to seep into her system but she gives Aliya one last smile. This is it.

She takes an empty seat by the window and waits for the others to board, Aliya waving to her one last time before she motions to her pocket and points to Maria, reminding her to check her jacket.

She jumps a little and quickly unzips her pocket, pulling out a small box of Skittles and a folded note. She instantly recognizes Simone’s handwriting.

Her heart flutters and she can hear each beat it makes in her chest. She looks back to the window and finds Aliya in the crowd and presses her hand to the window. The weight of the Skittles packet feels heavy in her other palm but in all the right ways.

Maria owes so much to Rio from so little time. She wonders if she’ll forget these two weeks, she hopes she doesn’t because she firmly believes they were the most important in her life. 

She feels the bus engine start before the vehicle pulls out of the lot just as she unfolds Simone’s letter. Her face lights up just after reading the first two lines.

She may be going back to Russia now, but she sure as hell was going to make it out someday.

No, Maria Paseka will never forget the 2016 Rio Olympics for as long as she lives.

 

—

 

Aliya watches the first shuttle pull away and down the road away from the village, her eyes follow the vehicle until it goes completely out of sight and even after that her eyes still remained fixed on the road. 

She turns back and walks a few steps back into the building, the remainder of the Russian teams making their way to the rest of the buses.

She lifts her eyes from her shoes and like it’s fate she lands right on Denis coming down the stairs with his suitcases. They lock onto each other, Aliya not really sure what she can say and Denis feeling the same.

He stops in front of her, his face stoic but she can sense the emotion behind it. She takes a deep breath and squares her shoulders, feeling this might be the last time she sees Denis in her lifetime.

“Thank you,” she breathes out, Denis raising an eyebrow as his eyes glint with a kind of gratefulness towards her.

“No, thank you.” He nods firmly but before anything else can transpire between the two he walks past her towards the shuttles.

“Have a good life, Aliya.” He throws over his shoulder with one last look in her direction and a small smile.

Aly returns the smile genuinely, releasing a breath she didn’t even know she was holding. "You too, Denis."

She watches his figure exit through the double doors and onto the bus, she watches it pull away in the same direction as before and disappear over the horizon.

 

—

 

It’s a little after dark when they return to the village from the floor exercise. Aly steps off the shuttle, stretching her aching limbs when she spots Aliya coming towards her and every ounce of exhaustion leaves her body like a river. 

Simone is greeted by her family and eagerly starts showing her medals to Laurie and Gabby, Aly walking past all of them towards the only thing that matters.

She doesn’t even care who’s watching as she runs towards the girl and wraps her up in her arms, both of them wanting to touch and hug every part of each other.

“I am so proud of you!” Aliya squeals and leans forward to press their lips together, and if it weren’t for the absolute bliss Aly finds herself in she would realize it’s the first time Aliya has ever initiated contact in public with her.

She didn’t feel nervousness anymore, or under constant surveillance—this kiss felt completely different. It felt like freedom, freedom for both of them. Aly presses forward and deepens their connection, wrapping her hand in Aliya’s hair as they sway with each other.

She can feel the smile Aliya has and mirrors it, recapturing her lips with vigor. She wants to consume every inch of Aliya, she wants to envelope them both in a haze of love forever—she doesn’t need or want anything else, she never will.

Aly has everything she ever possibly needs in her arms right now. The taste of Aliya’s tongue and the feel of her palms caressing her cheeks center her, she’s breathless and what little air exists between them is disappearing because both of them are trying to get closer and closer to each other.

“Stay.” Aliya pulls back for air, speaking the phrase softly between them as they ignore the obvious stares of Aly’s teammates and friends. She doesn’t even care, let them watch because what they were witnessing was the purest form of love every imaginable.

“Forever.” Aly replies before they both move forward and smash their lips back together. They pull back again for air after a minute or two of making out again and that’s when it hits Aly in the face like a brick.

She locks onto Aliya’s dark chocolate colored pupils, the breath escaping her lungs at the emotion she sees in them. Aliya’s eyes are like an ocean and every time Aly looks into them she’s taken away by the waves to be drowned, they hold everything.

She sees their new life together, she sees everything in them; marriage, kids, and just loving each other forever and more. Aly doesn’t feel the ticking time bomb she felt after London, she doesn’t feel this overwhelming pain at being away from Aliya instead she just feels happiness at long last.

“Oh my god, grandma break it up!”

Simone laughs at the two of them teasingly, Aly giving her the finger as she presses her forehead against Aliya’s, both of them soaking in the close proximity to each one another. Aliya still had so much to figure out but she wasn’t afraid of facing it anymore- not when she had Aly next to her.

The last few days had been entirely incredible but equally heartbreaking for Aliya. She hopes that above all the pieces of herself that Sergei, Russia, and her family took from her will come back eventually.

She has so much emotional healing to do, and it’s intimidating but she knows as builds this new world with Aly she will always make sure to leave room for those pieces to make their way back into her life.

Her heart races as it knocks against her ribs almost like it was trying to break out of her chest to jump right into Aly’s and stay there forever.

Later when all is said and done, when the adrenaline from the competition has calmed down and Aly isn’t in this loved up haze she’ll ask Aliya how she was able to handle her family’s reaction in the way she did, how she could bring herself to watch Maria ride away on that bus, and how could she so willingly depart with Russia, the country that raised her and that she competed for? Aliya’s answer is so pure it only makes Aly fall more in love with her;

“Because without you I do not know who I am. How could I go back to a country, to my family, that doesn’t allow me to exist? I am not Aliya Mustafina without Aly Raisman.”

—

 _I'll ride my bike up to the world,_  
_down the streets right through the city,_  
_I'll go everywhere you go_


	13. Epilogue: Sunday Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are everyone! This fic has come so far and has gained such an audience I wanted to take the time to genuinely thank each and every one of you for your support, comments, kudos, etc. This story and couple only remains alive because of everyone in the fandom!
> 
> I have already a bit of the prologue written for the sequel and I'm excited to bring it to you all soon. I don't know how everyone keeps updated but my friend at the aliyaandaly blog will keep you up to date on the sequel and I have created a series for it so subscribing to that may help too.
> 
> I actually wrote the last chapter when I wrote the first chapter because I knew exactly how I wanted to end this fic and what title I wanted for the last part. This chapter jumps around a bit in terms of time but wraps it up nicely I think. I almost didn't include the part about Maria but I just found myself writing and couldn't stop but okay enough of me talking. 
> 
> Okay enough of me going on, here is the end to Stay.
> 
> **update: the prologue to the sequel has been published.
> 
> Thank you, thank you once more from the bottom of my heart,
> 
> xx Anna

_Sunday morning rain is falling,_  
_steal some covers share some skin_

—

 

_ “Hi everyone this is your captain speaking, we are about twenty minutes from landing. On behalf of the crew and I; we would like to welcome you to the wonderful city of Boston, we hope you enjoy your stay, and if you’re coming home then welcome home!” _

_Aliya slides the window shutter up just in time to see the plane scrape over the Massachusetts coast; bright, beautiful, and full of boats just like she remembers it. She clutches her passport with her visa paperwork tightly between her hands, her stomach doing a backflip as the city comes into view through the clouds._

_Aly stirs gently, her head resting on Aliya’s shoulder as she mumbles sleepily while her eyes adjust to the sudden flux of light into their row. “Mm, I was sleeping…”_

_Aliya rolls her eyes playfully and points out the small plane window, “Look! We’re flying over Boston…” The admiration and awe in her voice doesn’t go unnoticed by Aly as she lifts her arms out from under her blanket and peers over Aliya to see her home city._

_“Just wait until I take you to the coast, it will take your breath away.” Aly pecks her cheek excitedly and gives her knee a squeeze. “Do you have all your papers ready? When we get off I’ll have to get in a separate line but if you need me just ask someone to find me, okay?”_

_Aliya fiddles nervously with the papers, opening her passport to scan through them in order. “I’m having trouble with the English…” She points to the scribbled words and documents, Aly taking them from her hands to examine._

_“You’ll present these to the people at customs and I’ll meet you right on the other side, I promise.” She rubs her thumb over the back of Aliya’s knuckles comfortingly, sensing the obvious anxiety in the other girl’s movements._

_“Don’t worry, Alka.” She places another comforting kiss to Aliya’s lips, rubbing her side. “Just think about once we get back to my place…we can finally be alone.” She whispers the last word hotly against Aliya’s lips making the other girl prickle with heat, her throat bobbing up and down in anxiety._

_Once the plane lands and the aggravating wait to get off is over Aliya finds herself alone in the middle of American customs. She holds the documents to her chest like her lifeline, her body shuffling forward in the line of foreigners._

_Aly had long disappeared into the crowd of U.S. passport holders and Aliya finds herself nervously shifting her eyes everywhere to try to find her amongst the throngs of people. Her efforts prove to be useless so she focuses her sights on the documents, trying to pick out which words she could understand._

_Reading them wasn’t the problem; the real issue was piecing together the words she did know with the words she didn’t. No matter how many flashcards she did there were still gaps, it was frustrating but Aly’s encouragement and pride in her was more than enough to want to do better every time._

_“Six months from this date you will be allowed to live and travel on United States soil until your departure or application to a longer visa program…”_

_Her and Aly hadn’t really talked about if she would have to apply for a visa extension or something more permanent and the prospect kind frightened her. In the back of her mind the idea of being deported back to Russia was always nagging at her constantly, it sometimes kept her up at night._

_Those months seemed like a long time but in reality when given that amount of time to figure out her life she felt completely lost._

_Would she have to try to get a green card? Would Aly even want to get married? All the panic and worry distracted her enough she almost doesn’t hear the officer directing her to a customs station. She throws an apologetic yet grateful smile to the woman and moves up to the desk._

_She slides the papers over with shaky fingers, the customs officer looks her over once before sorting through the papers, signing various lines and stamping her passport. “Welcome to America,” he mutters before sliding everything back to her._

_Aliya blinks at the simplicity and gathers her things, shooting him a quick ‘thank you’ before she finds herself back in the airport crowd when she spots Lynn and Rick searching the crowd for her. She raises her hand, waving to them with a grin as she shuffles through to them._

_The hug Lynn wraps her up in warms her heart instantly and before she can do anything else Lynn passes her straight to Rick who exudes the same warmth and happiness she think she’s been searching her whole life for._

_“Welcome home, Aliya!” Chloe and Madison shout next to their parents, both of them hugging her sides. She smiles warmly and gives them each an affectionate squeeze, giving Brett a quick side hug after. She turns to see Aly coming towards them, pushing a cart with their luggage and a the most loving look spread across her face._

_She takes a second to soak in her surroundings; groups of people greeting loved ones, sun blazing through the large glass windows, billboards the size of trucks lining the walls with various American ads, cars and taxis zooming through the pickup area. Everything was entirely overwhelming but to Aliya it was just what she needed to see._

_Aliya Mustafina had finally arrived, and after all this time nothing had ever felt so good._

 

—

 

_ “Why are you moving so much?” Aliya’s sleepy eyelids blink slowly into the darkness of their bedroom, Aly shifting restlessly next to her every few seconds. “I’m trying to warm up!” Aliya lets out a snort before Aly hits her playfully with a whine.  _

_“It is not cold, Aly. It is only December.” She rolls her eyes even though she knows Aliya can’t see the action in the dark she can probably sense it. “Yes it is! Not all of us are made up of Russian blood that can withstand Siberian like temperatures!”_

_Aly scoots closer to Aliya with a pathetic whimper, trying her best at puppy dog eyes even in the dark room. She had tried effortlessly to cuddle up to Aliya during the night but the other girl, who wasn't feeling the cold quite as much, insisted that it was making her too sweaty and overheated._

_“Can you warm me up, pleaaaase?” Her bottom lip sticks out innocently when Aliya gives her an annoyed look. Over the past few months Aly learned that sleep was something Aliya valued and took very, very seriously. Any lack of it did not bode well the next morning._

_Aliya sighs softly as she thinks for a couple minutes before she abandons any hope of getting back to sleep. The stark red numbers of Aly’s alarm clock reading 3:30am. She lifts her arm and runs it down Aly’s back, gently drawing the girl towards her. “Fine! I’ll help you warm up, krolik…”_

_Aly grins triumphantly and lets the gentle feel of Aliya’s hand on her back soothe her while she presses her face into her girlfriend’s neck to leave small kisses over the already formed love bites from earlier in the week._

_Aly had skipped out on bringing Aliya to her cousin’s house for Hanukkah services earlier that day using the excuse she wanted to take her present shopping and show her around snowy Massachusetts, except she really just wanted Aliya to herself in an empty house._

 

—

 

_ “We are so proud of you, aren’t we Vera?”  _

_Maria smiles at her baby sister when she babbles a series of nonsense to her, reaching out to hold her little hand. The sight of her mother and sister waiting for her at the airport amongst the welcoming family and friends crowd had shocked her at first; she had never expressed an ounce of interest in Maria or her career, yet somehow here she was waiting for her with her baby sister in tow._

_“Thank you mama.” Maria leans her head down as her mother leaves a small kiss to the top of her head, Vera tugging on her sleeve to be picked up. She balances the toddler on her hip, saying her goodbyes to her teammates for the time being, following her mother outside._

_It’s only August but the air in Moscow is already getting cooler with the impending winter, she can feel the chill begin its creep into the country. “You must be tired.” She nods absently, sliding into the back to tuck Vera into her carseat._

_“I did not see Aliya get off the plane?” Her mother peers at her through the rearview mirror and Maria averts her gaze, fiddling with the buckles of Vera’s seat. “She is taking vacation.”_

_“Not in Russia?”_

_“Nyet. In America.”_

_The disgusted sound her mother gives in response makes her suck in a deep breath and she looks to the now sleeping Vera to center her so she doesn’t go off. She’s jet lagged, her best friend is countries away, Simone is countries away, and she can’t talk to anyone about it right now._

_Her patience with her mother was very thin to begin with but now she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to spend an entire car ride with her without wanting to go back to the Lake immediately._

_Unlike most of the gymnasts at the Lake Maria was never itching to visit home, the Lake really was her home. She hadn’t called her mother’s house home for years. She sits back to watch the buildings pass her, sighing heavily._

_“I am proud of your silver. I’m sorry you lost to that American girl…”_

_Maria glances up once more to see her mother watching through the rearview mirror. Her expression remains blank but her mind and heart are running a marathon right now. She knows her mom can see something in her eyes but she can’t identify it._

_She turns to face the window, the landscape of Russia passing with every second of her heartbeat._

_“Her name is Simone Biles.”_

 

—

 

“Oh my god, look we’re here!” 

Aly beams through the windshield of the truck as she maneuvers the large vehicle up the short drive, the windshield wipers flap back and forth to toss the rain water off the glass. Aliya looks at the directions on her phone next to her before lifting her head, her eyes lighting up when the house comes into view.

Aliya throws open the passenger door to jump out as quick as she possibly can, almost forgetting her umbrella once Aly cuts the engine. Her heart does a black flip at the sight in front of her, her eyes widening at the gorgeous home sitting like a perfect fairytale in hills of Malibu.

She swallows, Aly coming around the front of the moving truck looking just as emotional.

The sound of another car approaching signals them to Lynn and Rick pulling up behind the truck, boxes practically falling out of the back of their car as Lynn waves from the window. It doesn’t feel real at all, standing in front of this mirage Aliya is sure it’s going to disappear at any moment.

“I can’t believe it’s ours.” Aly wraps her arm around Aliya’s shoulders. The only sound surrounding them is the steady beat of the glorious Sunday rain. A small mist is settled over the California coastline and the sight has never been more breathtaking.

Aly gives them both an excited shake as the other girl continues to look in awe at the house. It had only been six months since they came back from Rio. Six entire months. Even a month ago the thought of moving to Malibu, let alone buying a house, was so out of reach for them but in some divine miracle they had ended up here all in one piece.

Aliya hadn’t been able to adjust to Boston as easily as she had assumed she would but the winter wasn’t particularly bad, considering nothing could ever be as cold as Russian winters the weather really wasn’t the problem.

She was still trying and learning how to fit into American society, she usually did a lot of research on the Internet but at points it got so overwhelming she wasn’t sure if she would ever figure it out, let alone fit in.

“It’s like we dreamed.” Aliya drops a animated kiss to Aly’s cheek before wrapping Lynn and Rick in a hug when they reach them. “It’s even bigger than the photos!” Lynn says in excitement, motioning for Rick to open up the truck to get started.

“Chloe, Brett, help your dad get the small boxes inside first!” Aly glances over when her siblings stumble out of her parent’s car and head toward the truck, moving to open the back of it. “Dad and I can start with the heavy stuff mom, we just need to get the small boxes in first.”

Aliya helps Lynn arrange a couple chairs so Rick and Aly can get to the back of the truck, Chloe and Brett starting towards the house with arms full of boxes, Lynn following close behind trying to balance an umbrella over their heads.

“We need someone to open the door!”

Aliya steps off the truck without even realizing how symbolic this moment is, the keys in her pocket jiggle slightly when she pulls them out and puts them into the lock, the door swinging open to reveal the beautiful open space of their front hall. It takes the breath right out of her lungs when she gets her first look at her new home.

She had seen it earlier that month when Aly and her had come down to close on the deal but now that it was really _theirs_ she saw it completely differently. Chloe and Brett must sense her moment as they set their boxes down and return to the truck.

She reaches her hand out to run it over the wooden lining of the door, her hands brush the perfect mahogany under her fingers and she has to stop herself from getting too choked up over a fucking piece of wood.

“Aliya…?” Aly comes up the walkway, reaching for her hand when Aliya turns to her and motions to look inside the entry way. Aly raises an eyebrow before she follows Aliya’s line of sight, the same emotion hitting her right on cue.

“Wow.” She exhales the words slowly, Aliya agreeing before they both take a step through the threshold, never letting go of each other’s hands. Aly’s in awe of everything surrounding her right now, even though the house was completely empty and void of anything at the moment, this very instance was one of the most important moments in her life.

Just standing in the empty space with Aliya sets her heart ablaze.

“What a perfect rainy Sunday.” Aly read somewhere when she was younger that rain on the first day of moving somewhere or construction was a sign of good luck; and this was definitely a sign. Rain on Sundays was her new favorite thing from now on.

“We did it, Aly…” Aliya speaks with such exhilaration lacing her tone Aly finds her own body filling with joy and pride. She squeezes Aliya’s fingers, pulling them over to the windows lining the kitchen that overlook a beach off of their backyard. Aliya presses her hands to the glass, needing to touch them to know that she’s here, she’s alive and that nothing is a dream this time.

“We really did.” Aly casts her eyes away from the empty house to Aliya, their faces moving closer as their lips almost touch. Her heart vaults out of her chest and the small ring box in her pocket weighs her down like a boulder. This was their forever.

 

—

 _That may be all I need,_  
_in darkness she is all I see,_  
_come and rest your bones with me_


End file.
